100 Funny Fat Jokes That Are Actually The Best - Readers' Vote

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife kept nagging me to go on a diet.

One evening, we took a brisk walk around town, and I surprised her by leapfrog-jumping over a parking meter.

Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat men do you know who can do that?”

“One,” she retorted.

A woman caught her husband on the weighing scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Gary,” she said.

“Oh, it helps a lot,” he replied. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

My doctor told me to stop having family dinners for four, unless there are three other people with me.

I went to the doctor and asked what the best exercise was for weight loss.

He said, “Just shake your head”.

“How often?” I asked.

“Whenever someone offers you food!”

I used to think that the dryer was shrinking my clothes.

Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

An old man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the candy.

“Son,” the man said, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you”.

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replied.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day too?” The man asked.

“No,” said Johnny. “He minded his own business.”

Thanks to their healthy lifestyle, a married couple lives well over 100.

One day, they’re both tragically killed and go to Heaven. On the first day, they ask God where the gym is.

“Gym?” God replies. “We don’t have a gym here. You’ll never get fat even if you never exercise”.

That evening, they asked God where they could find a healthy restaurant for dinner.

God says, “We don’t have healthy restaurants. Here, you can eat as much as you want and never get fat!”

Suddenly, the husband snaps and yells at his wife, “You see? If you hadn’t forced me to lose all that weight, I could’ve been here 40 years earlier!”

They say that you should never go food shopping when you’re hungry.

But it’s been over a week now, and every day I just get hungrier.

My mate Joe has lost a ton of weight on the new Dolly Parton diet.

It’s made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.

A British man and his wife join a weight loss club. They’re told to try to lose as many pounds as they can by next week.

One week later, they return, and their mentor asks them how much they lost.

“I lost 10 pounds,” says the wife.

The mentor is thrilled. “That’s amazing! And you?” He points at the husband.

“Well, I actually gained 10 pounds,” he replies.

“That’s not good at all,” says the mentor. “What happened?”

“I bet my wife a tenner that she wouldn’t lose any weight this week.”

Two men were arguing about who was the more polite.

The smaller man said he was more polite because he always offered his seat to a lady.

But the larger man knew he was more courteous because when he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

A distraught woman went to the local police station to report her husband as missing. Her next-door neighbor went with her for support.

She said, “He is 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has an athletic build, and is kind to our children”.

The neighbor protested, “Your husband is 57, 5 foot 7, overweight, and is mean to your children”.

The wife replies, “Yes, but who wants him back?”

I was so hungry last night that I accidentally ate all of my cat’s food.

Don’t ask meow.

A very heavy blonde went to a weight loss clinic to get some advice.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He promised that she would lose at least 5 pounds in a month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The surprised doctor asked her how she felt.

The blonde said, “I’m so sore and tired. My muscles ache all over!”

Confused, the doctor asked, “From not eating?”

“No,” the blonde replied. “From skipping.”

A woman takes her very overweight cat to the vet.

The vet picks up the cat, examines its teeth, then its eyes, and then its ears.

“I’m sorry,” she says, “but I’m going to have to put your cat down”.

“Oh no!” Cries the woman. “Is it because he’s so fat?”

“Yes,” replies the vet. “My arms are getting tired.”

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

It was advertised as a "school reunion.”

My New Year's resolution was to lose 20 pounds by December. Only 30 to go.

An overweight guy decides to go to a fitness club to sign up to lose weight.

After signing up, the fitness coach asks him to go home and be ready early in the morning.

The next morning, his doorbell rings. He opens the door and standing there is a super hot girl.

She tells him, “If you can catch me, I’m all yours”.

Still stunned, the guy nods and tries to catch her, but he is nowhere near fit enough. This goes on for a few months where everyday the girl comes to his place and he tries to catch her.

The man is motivated to work out more and decides to upgrade to premium membership. His doorbell rings the next day and he rushes to open it.

A huge, buff man is standing outside, and he says, “I was told if I can catch you, you’re all mine.”

I know that skinny jeans are the fashion…

But at my current weight, I simply can’t pull them off!

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror and I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?”

He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect” (Rodney Dangerfield)