#1
After that moment, I paid better attention and saw the ways they loved each other without words and when no one was looking and saw so many quiet examples of a deep love. They were married 65 years. .
#2
A few days later, the funeral director voluntarily told me he was sponsored by my grandfather. I hadn’t seen his name (only read 5-6 out of the two pages), and in that moment I knew my grandmothers was right for destroying the list. That relationship between an alcoholic and their sponsor is sacred, and she was going to protect it when my grandfather couldn’t do so himself.
#3
These dramatic revelations may shock or surprise us, but they are certainly not as rare as you might think.
One study found that about 97% of people are holding at least one significant secret, with the average person carrying around 13 secrets at a time.
Many of these are things they’ve never told anyone.
Maybe it’s a teen hiding a bad grade from their parents, or an adult keeping a past relationship a secret from their partner.
No matter the size, almost all of us have something that we want to keep under wraps.
#4
I remember family gatherings as a kid, all eating dinner together. By the time dinner ended and he had had a few drinks, us kids were told to go downstairs and watch a movie. Looking back now, it was because of how he acted.
In college I did a research paper on PTSD and how it effects soldiers. By now I had learned he was a Vietnam vet. So I created a 20 something question form and sent it to my aunt, with a note that I wanted her to cross out and questions that would affect him in a bad way.
He returned it a week later, and answered all of my questions. I learned about some things that trigger his PTSD, how it's affected his daily life over the last 30 years, and some stories about things that happened to him during & after the war.
In the years since, he was able to go to schools and talk to students about his experiences. He also got a chance to meet with members of his unit and a guy they rescued to talk about things that happened.
It really helped me to understand why he did certain things the way he did, and how he acted. I've been able to research the documentation on medals he earned and things like that.
#5
He was talking to the electric company asking for a payment extension.
I’d always thought he was just strict and kind of emotionally unavailable.
Turns out he was juggling bills and just never let us feel it.
Completely changed how I saw him. He wasn’t cold. He was tired.
#6
When I was in my late teens, I realized these guests were all recovering alcoholics. My grandpa was involved in AA and also managed a half-way house later in life. My grandparents regularly invited people in recovery with nowhere else to go to celebrate the holidays with us.
As an adult, I realize how much love and support my grandparents showed those men trying to stay sober.
Children develop the ability to keep secrets by the time they turn five, and science says it’s an important milestone in their mental development.
Some secrets are kept for protection, while others may be hidden out of fear, shame, or embarrassment.
But even though our brain’s instinct is to protect us, deliberately hiding info often comes at a cost.
A child or a teenager might feel more independent when they hide things from their parents, but at the same time, it might affect them psychologically.
Holding onto secrets is also linked to lower well-being in adults and can even hurt their quality of relationships.
#7
#8
Ever since then, I tell them to shut up and get lostall the time because I see them for the victim blamers they are. Everything that happens to them is their fault because of something they did.
What's funny is they think I'm a MASSIVE jerk for speaking to them the way they speak to everyone else.
#9
Studies say that the real problem with having secrets is not that we have to hide them, but rather that we have to live with them.
We are usually able to keep our secrets safe, but concealing them can be taxing.
The more people think about their secrets — the more ashamed and isolated they feel.
“You might think about secrets when you’re showering, when you’re doing your dishes or when you’re heading to work,” says Val Bianchi at the University of Melbourne in Australia.
“Having these thoughts pop into your mind when you don’t necessarily want them to is often unpleasant, and people seem to get caught in vicious cycles of thinking spontaneously about their secrets as they go about their life, and feeling worse about them.”
#10
#11
Also, he didn't disown my uncle for coming out (like many people did back then). My uncle would bring his partner with him whenever he came to visit. He's family now. My uncle has since passed away, but we still talk.
#12
Not that they ever proved anything!
Some secrets can do real damage. Not just to the person hiding them, but also to anyone affected by them.
Research shows that growing up around secrets can leave a lasting mark. It can affect how kids form relationships later in life, how much they trust others, and even how they see themselves.
In some families, children end up taking on adult roles — like noticing a parent’s struggles, or trying to fix things they’re too young to handle.
Anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues can arise as people struggle to cope with the hidden truths.
It’s not uncommon for these secrets to become a source of conflict, leading to arguments and further emotional distance.
#13
And Grandma said “I’m LEAVING YOU !”. Went upstairs. Packed a little bag. Put on her best going to town suit and hat. Called a cab. And took the train into the city (NYC). And stayed with a friend all week. Went to the spa. Went shopping. Went to museums and art exhibits. Had a lovely time.
And Grandpa was miserable. Moped around. Grumbled. I cooked for him and helped him around the yard. He didn’t even want to go fishing. Just sat around listening to the radio and grumbling at the newspaper.
And Grandma appeared. Polished. Elegant. Relaxed. And Grandpa was desperately affectionate. “I missed you SO much !”
And while she was hugging him and he was crying, she looked at me and gave me a slow, sly, wink !
#14
This was news to me because they were pretty perfect together - 60+ years of marriage and still laughing and joking with each other all the time. But apparently there was another man in town who had been kinda "courting" my granny back in the day, and she thought that he was going to be the one she married. Then she went to a village dance, saw my grandpa, and that was it.
She told me that the man she almost married had stayed in town and married someone else - and that he beat his wife terribly. She had a kind of mix of guilt and relief that her life had gone a different way, but guilt that someone else still went through that. It was really sad, and had clearly stuck with her all this time.
She passed last year and I always wondered if she'd ever told that story to anyone else. Then at her funeral my aunt (her daughter) was talking about how much granny had worried if my sister's boyfriend was a kind man, and how that was all she asked about. Maybe I'm making assumptions, but I think she was thinking about her almost-husband, and worrying about my sister ending up in a marriage like that (fortunately my now brother-in-law is a great guy).
#15
While the term secret often carries negative connotations, not all of them are inherently harmful… some of them may actually serve a functional role.
They can allow people to maintain autonomy and boundaries.
For instance, if someone discovers a partner’s infidelity, they often won’t tell other members of the family, especially the kids. It’s their way of avoiding disrupting the family dynamics.
Then there are also those private sweet moments that some people like to keep hidden.
For example, a grandparent quietly helping raise a child who isn’t biologically theirs can be one of those unspoken acts that keeps a family steady and supported.
#16
We have completely cut them off, but her wanting to control family dynamics is beyond disgusting.
#17
#18
Experts say sharing your darkest, deepest secrets with someone can actually help you.
“Secrets fester in the darkness. They grow larger and scarier, and they have the power to shape our whole lives without our even knowing it. But if we shine light on those secrets, the most extraordinary thing happens: we realize that we are not alone,” says American author and podcast host Dani Shapiro.
Shapiro says that the internet has given some people a safe space where they can confess these secrets.
“We are experiencing the era of the end of secrecy. Whether it’s as a result of DNA testing or the internet or of the #MeToo movement, the explosion and revelation of secrets all around us is allowing us to begin to understand that we may trust others with our deepest fears, our most deeply held secrets.”
#19
#20
