If you thought family situations like Harry Potter's with his aunt and uncle—where the young wizard was the default scapegoat for literally everything—were simply a product of a writer's imagination, you're definitely mistaken. Moreover, one of the heroines in today’s story didn't even have Hogwarts to hide from the injustices of her home.
The tale we present to you today is kind of bittersweet. Yes, the narrator, the user Fogthefrogfred, eventually realized how unfair she actually had been towards her own daughter for years. On the other hand, the past can't be changed, and what's done is done...
More info: Mumsnet
It's always very difficult to be a family scapegoat, especially when you're often not guilty in any misbehaviors—but this is life after all
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author of the post has 4 adult children and recently, 3 of them gathered at the parents' home—except the youngest daughter, who lives abroad
Image credits: Fogthefrogfred
Image credits: gzorgz / Freepik (not the actual photo)
During the gathering, the mom found out that she had put the blame on the absent daughter for various minor faults
Image credits: Fogthefrogfred
Image credits: prostock-studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The husband and the other kids admitted that their sis has actually been the family scapegoat for years
Image credits: Fogthefrogfred
So now the mom is tormented by remorse and wonders if it would be reasonable to apologize to the daughter
So, the Original Poster (OP) has four adult children, all in their 20s, and they sometimes meet at their parents' house for various family gatherings. This time, too, they gathered—except for the youngest daughter, who lives abroad with her boyfriend and rarely comes.
During the dinner, the mom caught herself trying to blame her absent daughter for something she hadn't done. Or maybe she had done, but incorrectly. For example, forgetting to close the back door, or leaving a dirty plate on the table. It ended with one of the sons jokingly remarking that his sis had always been the family scapegoat…
It could’ve ended as just a joke, but the OP tried to figure out what those words meant—and what she heard literally shocked her. It turned out that both her husband and the other children always believed that their sis was, in fact, the mom's scapegoat—and the other siblings readily shifted the blame for all sorts of minor infractions to her. Over time, she came to terms with it and took the blame herself every time.
This was a real blow for the mom. In the following days, she reflected on and recalled her reactions from years ago and came to the conclusion that she'd always unconsciously assumed this daughter was to blame "by default." Simply because she had always been more defiant and disobedient than the others. So the OP is tormented by remorse, and she’s torn between offering an apology or just letting it slide.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
"Yes, this happens when a parent, wittingly or unwittingly, 'appoints' one child to blame for the disobedience of others—often this happens completely unconsciously, as was the case in the situation described," says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. "Simply because they anticipate some kind of trouble from this child."
According to the expert, in this case, it's more appropriate to criticize this woman's husband too, who saw the unfair criticism directed at his daughter and understood everything, but took no steps to rectify the situation. And the fact that he's now trying to persuade her to "let it slide" likely only emphasizes his own guilt.
"In any case, it's perhaps no coincidence that, of all this woman's children, it was this daughter who chose to move as far away from her parents' home as possible. Thus projecting distance from a place that likely evokes painful memories. Be that as it may, perhaps it's really worth asking her for forgiveness - that would be the right thing to do," Irina Matveeva sums up.
Incidentally, many commenters also noted that asking the daughter to accept an apology for this would’ve been the right move on the author's part. At least some responders who experienced similar treatment from their parents in their childhood never received an apology. So what's your opinion on this story? Please feel free to drop your comments below.
Many commenters agreed that the author was really wrong for her reactions, and urged her to talk to the daughter and apologize
