Someone asked “Guys who got told “No” during a failed marriage proposal, what happened afterwards?” and people shared their stories. We got in touch with renowned clinical psychologist, host of The Reimaging Love Podcast and author of Love Every Day, Dr. Alexandra Solomon, to learn more about things to think about in serious relationships.
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Bored Panda got in touch with Dr. Alexandra Solomon renowned clinical psychologist, host of The Reimaging Love Podcast and author of Love Every Day to learn more about what people need to really consider before committing to a long-term relationship.
“Committing to a long-term relationship requires what I refer to as Relational Self-Awareness, an ongoing curious and compassionate relationship you cultivate with yourself which becomes the foundation for a thriving intimate relationship. Deepening your Relational Self-Awareness enables you to recognize and better understand the thoughts and feelings you’re having about your relationship and then communicate clearly and kindly with your partner about what is going on for you.”
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A good friend of mine, who was only 19 at the time, heard from her parents that her boyfriend of about 4 months was going to propose at midnight on New Years in front of her entire family. She was terrified and didn't want to say yes, but her parents were super insanely strict and threatened to throw her out of the house if she didn't say yes. I called her (I was drunk) at 11:58 and kept her on the phone for about 10 minutes telling her bad jokes and getting every single person at the party I was at to say HNY to her. Ruined the moment for the guy, and he never asked. Ooops I ruined New Years Eve 1991 for Kevin. Oh we've been married for 28 years now.
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“Being able to give and receive feedback is a crucial skill for long-term relationship success! While there are so many considerations for someone as they create a long-term relationship, what is most important is to understand that excitement about this new chapter in your life likely sits alongside some sadness about saying goodbye to your single chapter. Transitions are emotionally stirring, even transitions that we choose and are excited about. Creating a “we” requires accommodation, flexibility, and adaptation.”
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She shared some questions that one must really answer to himself honestly before taking a step as “big” as marriage. “What am I most excited about regarding this relationship? What parts of my “old life” might I miss the most? When I need to give my partner feedback or ask for something I need, what do I need to keep in mind or remember? For example, ask before I feel angry and resentful, let my partner know why doing this for me or with me would mean a lot to me, remember that my partner and I are on the same team, remember that my partner also has feelings and needs, try to figure out an “third option” beyond my way or my partner’s way that honors each of us.”
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“In a relationship, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Your stuff plus my stuff equals our stuff: this is what I like to refer to as The Golden Equation of Love. This means all of “your stuff,” from your Family of Origin, your previous relationships, and your past experiences, it all comes with you into your relationship. Because a long-term relationship requires vulnerability and trust, your relationship will stir up stuff from the past.”
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“The strongest relationships are the ones in which partners can open up to each other about the beautiful and tender parts of their stories. This is the heart of intimacy. Our past is not something for our partner to fix but it is something our partners need to understand. It is also helpful for you to understand your partner’s past so that their preferences and fears make sense to you.”
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