Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away… This year, to save me from tears, I’ll call you out in front of your entire family!
The holiday season is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but unfortunately, life never takes a day off from bringing bad news. After learning that his boyfriend has been cheating on him, one man is now wondering if it would be appropriate to expose his partner’s actions on Christmas in front of his entire family. Below, you’ll find the full story that was recently shared on Reddit, as well as a conversation with Dr. Kathy McMahon, President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc.
Christmas is a day that is typically celebrated surrounded by loved ones
Image credits: nrradmin (not the actual photo)
But after finding out that his boyfriend has been unfaithful, this man is wondering if it would be appropriate to call him out on Christmas
Image credits: TThheoo
Image credits: Jonas Leupe (not the actual photo)
"Most of the damage done in an affair happens not when it is discovered, but because of the continued lies and continued betrayals that follow the disclosure"
To gain more insight on this situation, we reached out to President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc., Dr. Kathy McMahon. She told Bored Panda that it's never easy to respond gracefully to finding out that a partner is cheating, but the saner you are capable of being, the better. "I say 'capable of being' because oftentimes, people just fall apart," the therapist explained. "It is like having the ground beneath their feet turn to sand. They become highly dysregulated, have trouble eating or sleeping and have intrusive thoughts of what they know about the affair and chronic ruminations."
Because of this, Dr. McMahon says that the first course of action is to take care of yourself. "Put your own needs ahead of trying to jump ahead and plan out everything you think you should do," she noted. "Your first impulse, like this gentleman's, is unlikely to be the wisest."
Image credits: gpointstudio / envato (not the actual photo)
"Realize that most of the damage done in an affair happens not when it is discovered, but because of the continued lies and continued betrayals that follow the disclosure," the expert continued. "Denial, gaslighting, cover-ups and deleting texts and emails are very common."
"If there is one bit of advice I would give to the involved partner, if they want to keep the relationship, it is to 'come clean,'" Dr. McMahon told Bored Panda. "It will be painful to do, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, it will hurt less than if you trickle out the information, little by little, or outright lie, gaslight, etc."
"Revenge fantasies or attempting to humiliate him in front of his family reflects more on you than it does on him"
As far as the hurt partner goes, the therapist notes that revenge and retaliation are seldom smart moves. "If you don't want to keep the relationship, as it sounds like the man doesn't, to quote Paul Simon, 'There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.' If he isn't working, cut your losses, save your energy, and focus on how you can move on. Revenge fantasies or attempting to humiliate him in front of his family reflects more on you than it does on him. He was an infidel. Then, you stooped so low as to attempt to humiliate him. Both of you have egg on your face."
Image credits: Prostock-studio / envato (not the actual photo)
"Plus, you don't really have a lot of extra time at this point," Dr. McMahon added. "You may have to pack, find new housing, or take another look at your finances, if any of these were shared. If you have children together, these little ones should be the first priority in terms of how to look out for their best interests."
"If you have no children, or financial entanglements, count yourself among the blessed that can exit quickly and move on," the expert added. "Value yourself and your own worth to hold your head up, recognize that it was his loss, and buy new cute clothes or get a new haircut. It's time to mingle!"
When it comes to whether or not it's ever a good idea to publicly call out a partner, Dr. McMahon notes that this behavior is only for "the drama queens or those of us who need an audience to know just how badly we've been treated." She also says that most people likely aren't thinking clearly immediately after receiving news like this. "What if you have changed your mind about booting him to the curb? Now you are the offending party," the therapist explained. "This is particularly hard to accept if, in fact, it all started with his behavior. Nevertheless, two wrongs don't make a right."
"The ones that get through [an affair] the best decide after careful thought whether they want to stay or leave; if they want to stay, it is usually with conditions"
Image credits: baffos / envato (not the actual photo)
"If you want consolation, pick a close friend who knows and likes you both to unload on," Dr. McMahon recommends. "They'll be the best person to offer grown-up advice about what you should do. If you do break up, everyone will know you are not an item. However, I don't believe that it is still smart to spread all the details to anyone who will listen. You're hurt. It's really bad. He's a man of little character who you wasted 4 years on. Next."
"I work with a lot of affairs in my practice, and these are never easy on the hurt partners," Dr. McMahon told Bored Panda. "But the ones that get through it the best decide after careful thought whether they want to stay or leave. If they want to stay, it is usually with conditions. My favorite is a hefty chunk of change in a separate account to be used to pay a private investigator if there is any suspicion that they are once again unfaithful."
But the expert added that one client put it particularly well when she told her: "I have no interest in getting passwords for his computer or this sort of thing. Those can always be gotten around. And I cannot take him at his word, because he lies to me. It would be foolish to trust him. But I will pay attention to my gut, because honestly, Dr. K, I knew something was going on and I chose to believe what he said, rather than what I felt in my heart to be true. That will never happen again."
If you'd like to hear even more wise words from Dr. McMahon or another expert, be sure to check out Couples Therapy Inc. And if you're interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing similar themes, look no further than right here.
Many readers urged the man not to expose his boyfriend on Christmas, noting that the couple could simply break up without creating family drama
However, some encouraged the man to enact petty revenge on his partner
