#2 If You're Going To F**k Up, Make Sure You F**k Up In Such A Way That It Leaves People Asking How You Did It
Every mistake is a lesson to be learned, isn’t it? No one is immune to the occasional slip-ups — they are a guarantee in life that cannot be avoided no matter how much we try. Life throws curveballs to give us valuable learning opportunities that may hit us hard at first, but allow us to improve and become more rounded human beings. So by now, we should know to accept our blunders for what they are and treat failure as a growing experience. But in reality, how many of us see our mistakes as such?
Well, it depends. We humans are a curious species that sometimes find it hard to let go of the fear and stress that comes from messing up. We stumble, fall, and manage to tangle ourselves in our failure, unable to get up, learn from it, and continue with our lives.
What matters more than any misstep or its magnitude, however, is our response afterward. To find out from an expert how to best handle these situations on an emotional level, we reached out to a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Therapy In The City, Aliza Shapiro, LCSW. She runs her own private practice where she provides evidence-based care for adults and adolescents and helps them overcome an array of mental health challenges, including depression, OCD, and anxiety.
According to Shapiro, justification and self-deprecation are two of the most common ways we respond to mistakes. "It is hard, and often scary, to admit to our mistakes, and unconsciously, we will try to do anything to avoid doing just that," she told Bored Panda.
"For some, messing up in a high stakes scenario generates an enormous amount of cognitive dissonance, and instead of accepting the difficult reality that being imperfect is simply a part of life, we justify our actions instead," the psychotherapist added. "Others have an equal, but opposite, reaction to mistakes. If our self-esteem isn't intact, one error can quickly turn into a cascade of self-doubt, judgment, and deprecation. Again, instead of accepting that human beings are by definition imperfect, a single mistake can turn into a spiral of 'I'm not good enough.'
Well, we're going to let you in on a little secret — nobody is flawless. Intuitively, we all know that perfectionism is an unrealistic trait that often blocks our road to success. Yet, whether it’s out of fear or to avoid encountering uncomfortable feelings, we still strive to be perfect and avoid making blunders at all costs.
But making mistakes can be beneficial, it all depends on the perspective. "Not only do mistakes lay the groundwork for some of the greatest lessons we learn in life, they are also a necessary part of any person, team, or company's growth," Shapiro explained.
"Facebook's corporate office famously bears signs that read 'Fail Harder,' embedding into the corporate culture that failure is not just OK, it is crucial. In our personal lives as well, when we look our mistakes in the eye, we also learn exactly where and how we need to grow."
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But many of us often choose the path of avoidance, even if it can lead to even more suffering and inflict unnecessary stress on us and the people around us. That’s why apologizing, forgiving yourself, and seeing your mistake as an experience you can move forward from instead of constantly beating yourself up about it is a great confidence-building tactic. Plus, it can also make you more resilient to any future challenges.
Psychotherapist Shapiro agrees with this line of thinking. "Self-compassion is the single most powerful tool to combat self-judgment and blame, and also becomes the fuel for positive change as well," she told Bored Panda. "When we respond to ourselves in moments of setback with a mindful, compassionate understanding of how/why we made certain choices, we gain strength to move forward in healthier ways."
"In contrast, when we respond to ourselves with blame and judgment, we lose the strength and motivation necessary to resolve the mistakes that were made." Moreover, this can also put us in danger of repeating the same errors. Thinking "I’m worthless" and telling yourself that you are a failure won’t get you very far in fixing your error. However, it can have dire consequences and even lead to negative thought spirals when one harsh critique leads to another, with no end in sight.
