RelationshipsNOV 25, 2021

40 Ridiculous And Toxic Requests These Women Received From Their Exes

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The term “toxic relationship” was first coined by Dr. Lillian Glass, a California-based communication and psychology expert in 1995. She defined it as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”

Today, we hear of it more often than ever. You may wonder what on earth happened that so many of us struggle to have healthy relationships, but it’s always best to listen to those who have been in such situations and experienced what it’s like in the first place.

So when the Redditor SputtleBug posted a question “What is the most ridiculous thing a partner has asked you to change about yourself?” on r/AskWomen, it seems like it hit close to the bone for many women in the community. So they shared their genuinely disturbing experiences that show just how lethal and wrong some relationships are and remind everyone that we don’t ever have to put up with it.

#1

40 Ridiculous And Toxic Requests These Women Received From Their Exes

He wanted me to get rid of my pets, if I was reeeeaaally good though, he could be okay with me keeping my dog. Nope! Got rid of him instead.

Aouwi, Chewy

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417points

#2

The amount of men that ask me to come off antidepressants because "don't I make you happy enough without the pills" Lord give me patience

PandaConspiracy4000, Nastya Dulhiier

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344points

#3

Said I used "too many big words" and he just wanted to be able to "relax" more. Criticized my tv and movie preferences as being too "cerebral." Also told me I was too "analytical" in how I liked to solve problems. Now I have an MA and JD, and married a tech millionaire with a Ph.D. in theoretical physics, so looks like my preference for cerebral entertainment and big words paid off.

FuzzyJury, Jonathan Daniels

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343points

Bored Panda reached out to SputtleBug, the author of this thread on r/AskWomen who said that they feel like everyone males and females alike receive societal pressure but the reasons are different.

"In my experience, the standards for women are often focused on physical appearance and reproduction while the standards for men are mainly focused on other things like careers and behavior, there’s still a pretty strong expectation for men to be extremely masculine," SputtleBug commented.

She continued: "We no longer live in the 1950s but the expectations we had then for men and women remain relatively the same now. Although the standards may have been created by men it’s had to have been backed by many women which is the main reason they’ve been allowed to perpetuate. Granted this seems to have changed significantly in the last few years but the start to change, is in most cases, slow."

#4

My ex asked me to stop being depressed after we lost our daughter

Fairy-goddess999, Rae Angela

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321points

#5

Asked me to be more "agreeable" and not discuss feminist issues in his presence. This winner also told me I needed to lose about 40 pounds because women shouldn't weigh more than 120. For context, I'm 5'9" and at the time was wearing a size 6. I noped out of that relationship pretty quick.

lost_throwaway_3326, NeONBRAND

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295points

#6

It wasn't a long term thing, we had been dating for a few months at the time. He didn't ask me to change specifically but he was upset when he found out I was born in Romania. I was adopted by an American family when I was two and have lived in the US for the vast majority of my life. I barely remember anything about Romania.

He couldn't see himself with someone like me because I wasn't actually white. So he broke up with me. It was pretty shocking, I had no idea he had this massively racist side to him. He did me a favor.

Admirable-Candy3294, Naomi Suzuki

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275points

The author of this thread also said that while some of the responses she received were indeed surprising, other comments consisted of "things like losing weight, changing their aesthetic/clothing style, changing their personality that were the most common."

Sputtlebug believes that many people end up in toxic relationships and it's a common occurrence for all sexes but not one frequently talks about it.

#7

I’m very pale, so pale that you can see the blue of my veins throughout most of my body. A boyfriend I had about ten years ago asked if there was “anything I could do to get rid of them?” I had to explain that no, I had a circulatory system and very much wanted to remain alive

calcitemerged, Coline Haslé

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274points

#8

I'm mixed half Indian half German and he asked to suppress my Indian side and culture cuz he "only dated me cuz at least I'm half"

Successful-Painter87, Deva Darshan

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253points

#9

He asked me to pretend I wasn’t in pain when I was.

I have endometriosis and if I’m dating you, you will have an up-close and personal seat into the life of someone with a chronic pain condition.

Now, I don’t complain a lot about it, it’s just a fact of my life, and I came to terms with it a long time ago. So when my ex-fiancé got “fed up” with me “being sick all the time,” I told him I can’t act healthy all the time when I’m sometimes in debilitating pain….and he said, “Can’t you fake it?”

schmicklebutt, Yuris Alhumaydy

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242points

Sputtlebug said that "it was definitely a learning experience, I didn’t really walk into this with any expectations in mind. It was a curious cat moment if that makes sense. Some of the comments made me laugh but a lot of the responses were demoralizing at best and heartbreaking at their worst."

"Overall I’m glad it was a moment for people to talk about something that maybe isn’t comfortable or okay for them to talk about with their friends and family," she concluded.

#10

My former spouse asked me to move my period because it fell on his three day weekend and he refused to have sex with me when I was "broken" so that was a real bummer for him. I suggested that he ask one of the other guys to swap with him but he wouldn't even ask and I suspect it's because he knew noone liked him enough

tooterfish80, Anthony Tran

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238points

#11

To go off birth control. At 16. Not because he wanted to try getting me pregnant (we weren’t even having sex) but because “knowing that I wasn’t technically fertile made me seem less feminine.” Not to mention I was on it for debilitating cramps.

fliffers, Thought Catalog

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225points

#12

My ex didn’t necessarily ask me to change this because he knew it was impossible, but he had a serious problem with me being white. Said he was “betraying his culture” by being with me.

I can’t begin to understand the struggle of being a black person in the US, but it makes zero sense to pursue me so hard and then hate that I’m white. Not like that was something I kept hidden that came out later.

booksandarrows

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221points

#13

I dye my hair a lot, this is something I’ve always taken pride in and I LOVE my hair. My ex, on the other hand told me I wouldn’t meet his parents until I got rid of the crazy colors. I never met the parents.

Clementinecutie13, Tommy van Kessel

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214points

#14

Me having Asperger’s, and he was a doctor too. When we started dating he was obsessed with how I was ‘the smartest person he’d ever met’ then he tried to get me off my meds because he didn’t believe in them and didn’t understand sensory meltdowns, then when we broke up he said “I tried to fix you but I failed’ lol ok ‘doctor’ good luck with that cure for autism

ariz0napi3z, Usman Yousaf

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211points

#15

He wanted me to be shorter. I'm 5'1. He literally wanted me to hunch my shoulders and only wear f**king flats all the time. He was 5'3 and insecure

gator--wave, Apostolos Vamvouras

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207points

#16

My ex-bf wanted me to get tattoos, get gauges, pierce my nipples, and start doing a lot of drugs because iTd Be So hOt. He also wanted me to change my demeanor from upbeat to brooding and moody. That kind of happened naturally with him anyways because he was so soul-suckingly awful to be around.

petite-crevette, Jessica Christian

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200points

#17

My ex told me I needed to start pretending I didn't understand things even when I did, bc "men like explaining things to women". The ex before him basically told me I was malfunctioning bc I didn't want to be a SAHM, and he asked me to never fart in front of him bc "women don't poop".

Lumpy_Constellation, Headway

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185points

#18

My religion. He verbally assaulted me when I said I didn’t want to convert to Islam. He did a lot worse, but that’s where the abuse began.

sarah-exalted, Abdullah Faraz

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179points

#19

My job. He didn't want me working around a "bunch of dudes just trying to f**k you" I'm a welder still 10 years later lol

thegurlearl

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176points

#20

Told me I was too anxious and depressed, and I just needed to be “happy” lol I was on birth control for him too (refused to wear a condom) which caused a lot of these mental health issues. After breaking up, got off the pill + the lack of his presence in my life made me significantly happier. Also, he told me I couldn’t take a joke even though his “jokes” were degrading and humiliating me in front of his friends.

lunarhoe411

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175points

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