Sometimes, when giving presents to kids, it might be of little importance who got them or who paid for them. However, once they are older, in most situations, hiding the source of their gift might seem like a petty attempt to lie or take them as naive. Either way, such was the suggestion of this teen's aunt when she asked this mom to present her gift to the boy as being from both of his parents. Or as she put it, the boy’s mom should let the father “chip in” $160 to her paying “the other” $34,000.
A woman decided to get her son his first car for his 17th birthday but got confronted by her ex's sister
Image credits: JAGMEET SiNGH (not the actual photo)
The boy's aunt thought his mother should take the financial situation of his father into consideration
Image credits: TimeRemarkable6641
Image credits: Sora Shimazaki (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TimeRemarkable6641
The woman's ex was an absent father for 8 years, until they started doing 50/50 custody later
Image credits: Alan Quirván (not the actual photo)
The boy's aunt suggested his mom should let her ex add $160, so the gift would be from both of his parents
So this Redditor’s story has to do with her son’s aunt, who possibly wanted her brother and his son to have a nice bonding time, however, for some reason, thought his mother’s gift should be used for that. It was after the boy’s mother saved $34,000 for her son’s first car, knowing that he likes the 2023 Camry, and decided to get it for his 17th birthday.
However, upon sharing her idea with her son's father's sister, whom she is semi-close to, little did she know what the aunt's reaction would be. While at first, the boy’s aunt was excited to hear the idea, later she said the mother shouldn’t get the car. The aunt was worried that it might make the boy’s father look bad.
The boy’s mother thinks that whether the boy’s father works hard or not is his own responsibility and has nothing to do with her getting a gift for her son. The man’s sister, on the contrary, called her a few days later to share her plan, which consisted of her and the boy’s father each contributing $80, so the gift is from both of the boy’s parents.
As the cost of the car is $34,000, the woman refused to have a joint gift, which made the boy’s aunt livid because according to her, the boy’s mother was denying the great opportunity for the boy to get closer to his father, therefore being selfish. The aunt called the woman twice asking her to either let them chip in or not get the gift.
The boy's mother refused to let his father contribute, as she had it covered
Image credits: Any Lane (not the actual photo)
The ex's sister called the woman a jerk twice, claiming she should either let them contribute or not buy the gift
In their study, Parenting By Lying In Childhood, five scholars were studying the practice of parenting by lying, which uses deception for controlling children’s behavior and affective states.
Scholars explain that while parents often emphasize the importance of honesty when educating their children, their own behavior often is at odds with their own words and requests, as parenting by lying is widely observed across cultures.
Researchers note that the results of their study, which included 379 young adults who often experienced being lied to by their parents during their childhood, suggest that parenting by lying may have negative implications for a child’s psychosocial functioning later in life.
Adults participating in the study who remembered being exposed to higher levels of their parents lying to them in their childhood showed higher levels of deception toward their parents and experienced higher levels of psychosocial maladjustment.
In order to better understand the situation, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Cameron Caswell, who is a doctorate in developmental psychology with 15 years of experience in coaching parents and mentoring teens, and she graciously responded, answering our questions.
Dr. Caswell explained that there is a lot going on in this Redditor’s story and there are at least four sides to it. When it comes to the boy’s father, based on the fact that he has had 50/50 custody of his son for at least nine years, it can be said that he clearly wants to be in his son’s life.
When it comes to the father’s sister Dr. Caswell explained that her being extremely protective of her brother suggests that even though she is shown as a jerk in the situation she is probably trying to be a hero for her brother.
In addition to making a note concerning both siblings that “while chipping in $80 for a $34K car might seem like a ridiculously insignificant amount, it may be a huge amount in relation to how much the father has.”
Image credits: The Lazy Artist Gallery (not the actual photo)
Finally, Dr. Caswell shared her thoughts on the situation as it relates to the boy’s health and well-being. Dr. Caswell emphasized, that the father has had nine years to build a relationship with his son, but hasn’t been able to do so can be crushing to a child.
She explained the underlying problem, noting that: “even if he bought the entire $34K car himself, it wouldn’t “fix” that or bring them closer together. In fact, it’s likely to come off as trying to buy his son’s love and strain it even more.”
“(Plus, let’s be real, the son is never going to believe the dad bought part of it.) It’d be a waste of his dad’s money.”
Dr. Caswell gave her recommendations to the boy’s father and his sister: “I would encourage the dad to keep his money and spend as much time as he can with his son, trying to build a relationship with him. I can guarantee that will be far more valuable to his son than anything he could buy.”
While Dr. Caswell recognized that the boy’s aunt wants to help her brother, she would recommend redirecting “her energy and compassion to helping her brother connect with his son rather than protecting him from his ex-wife.”
Finally, Dr. Caswell cheered the boy’s mother “who raised her son while raising herself up” with a “way to go!”. “You worked hard and beat the odds. You deserve to buy your son the car of his dreams and bask in the joy it brings both of you,” she added.
To find more on parenting from Dr. Cameron Caswell, please visit her blog Ask Dr. Cam, and her website Dr. Cam Parenting Hub.
Bored Panda also reached out to M.Ed. Annie Fox, who is a tweens and teens parenting expert and an award-winning author, and she graciously agreed to give us her take on the situation.
The main emphasis drawn by Ms. Fox was on not putting a child of any age in the middle of a battle between ex-spouses, which she explains to be just “plain wrong”. Ms. Fox elaborated that “when lingering tensions exist between divorced parents, as seems to be in the case here, those parents should make an agreement not to speak negatively about one another to the child or in the child’s presence.
According to Ms. Fox:” If the boy’s father would like to make a contribution toward the purchase of the car, that’s fine. In that case, the boy’s mother could (accurately) say to her son, “Your father contributed some money to this gift and you should thank him.” Ms. Fox, however, would not recommend the mother to specify exactly how much the father contributed, as “that’s neither necessary nor helpful information.”
Finally, Ms. Fox recommends that parents, who have some unresolved issues with an ex-partner, “either deal with them directly and/or in therapy.”
To find more on teen parenting by Ms. Annie Fox, please visit Annie Fox’s Blog, Family Confidential podcast and her website.
Redditors shared their take on the situation
