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For those of us who have to deal with toxic parents, the consequences can be devastating. Consciously or unconsciously, we may:
- Be unable to move on from the past and fail to build a happy present for ourselves;
- Be emotionally unavailable as adults and therefore unable to sustain intimate relationships;
- Harbor insecurities into adulthood about whether we deserve to be loved or nurtured, and sabotage opportunities we get;
- Find ourselves at times responding similarly as parents to our own children, and therefore perpetuating the cycle of emotional pain;
- Feel suicidal regardless of how much we have achieved in adult life.
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So how can you break free from the shackles of a troubling emotional past, especially when the triggers (the parents) are still part of your present life?
While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, social worker and therapist Imi Lo suggests starting by acknowledging our anger.
"Ultimately, we need to reconcile with the deep disappointment of not having our desired relationship with a parent," Lo said. "However, the first step to liberating oneself from the past is to acknowledge the tragic nature of events and understand that there is a place for legitimate anger. Just because we recognize we have been failed and have a natural emotional reaction does not mean we unproductively point the finger or blame anyone."
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Then, we can try talking about the hurt. "Talking to your parents about aspects of your childhood that have caused lingering emotional hurt can prove to be one of the most powerful and healing conversations to have," Lo explained.
"Perhaps as adults, you can begin to see the children inside your parents and see that they were once young and helpless."
Just be aware that this strategy is not always possible. "Some parents are more defensive and might never acknowledge what they have done. On some level, they know they had failed you and that the feeling of guilt probably makes them more defensive," she added.
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The next step is setting boundaries. "You can exercise assertiveness and set firm boundaries with your parents. As a child, you could not escape the family home or build a wall to defend yourself. But as an independent adult, you have the ability to say no, walk away, and minimize contact."
Lo said that at first, doing so often feels uncomfortable. Our parents are likely to resist the change by criticizing and guilt-tripping us. But we can find a way to tell them we need to be treated with respect, and they can no longer influence important decisions in our life.
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Finally, we should love ourselves and believe in our worthiness. "At the end of the day, you want to be able to cross over the bridge of resentment and move to a place of peace," Lo said.
"But however cliche this sounds, you need first to love yourself, embracing both the good and the bad, your ability to love and your rage towards others. You must forgive yourself for your inability to forgive. You are a survivor for being here today. You deserve to live without emotional baggage."
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