Whether we like it or not, our parents plant mental and emotional seeds in us. These seeds grow as we do. In some families, they are seeds of love, respect and independence. In other families, it’s fear, guilt, obligation and toxic mentality.
So while it may be hard to wrap your head around why exactly some parents use their kids to get special treatment, this often happens with controlling parents. Controlling parents tend to be anxious, paranoid and possessive. They like taking things into their hands and knowing what’s best for their kids. Sometimes that means they don’t allow their kids to nurture their personalities and forbid them from taking interest in things, like playing guitar or joining a soccer team at school.
Susan Petang from The Quiet Zone Coaching, a certified life coach, told Bored Panda that hobbies give us a release from the responsibilities we all have. “They allow us to blow off steam, grow our curiosity and intellect, and can even lead to career paths that will be joyful instead of monotonous.” Her advice to parents is to encourage their children's hobbies because the lesson that hobbies teach us is one of self-care.
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Susan also explained that as our children grow, they slowly start to separate from us. For controlling parents, this may be a particularly challenging time. “From the 'Terrible Twos' to the pains of adolescence, the purpose of the journey is to teach our kids how to be independent, happy, and healthy adults who give something to the world around them.”
However, the life coach warns that if you're making all the decisions for your children, they're not learning how to make decisions for themselves. “You're not going to be around forever to advise and guide them; they have to learn to do it alone.”
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Kristen Brown, a spiritual and empowerment author, life coach and mentor, argues that “it is imperative to set appropriate boundaries with those who are draining our energy, disrespecting our lines, minimizing our value or attempting to control all aspects of our lives - even when it's our parents.” No wonder that kids, after growing up with toxic families, choose to emotionally detach from them as they get older.
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Moreover, pathologies of families are carried through the generations until someone (and it's probably you) decides, "It ends here!!", Kristen argues. “Somewhere in the midst of your dysfunctional family, you knew in your soul this is not right and it desperately needs to change.” This is what she calls a pioneer spirit which drives us to speak up. “You may be the first and only one who ever speaks up. However, your boundary setting could be the very thing to open their eyes to this destructive pattern and heal it once and for all.”
