148 English Teacher Jokes To Bring A Bit Of Fun To The Classroom

“A woman stands on the edge of a bridge about to commit suicide. An English teacher spots her, ‘Don’t jump!’ He cries, ‘You have so much for which to live!’”

What's the longest word in the dictionary?

Rubber-band, because it streches.

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Student: "A teacher!"

Father: "Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams."

Son: "No father I'll score 100% marks."

Father: "Why are you kidding?"

Son: "Who started?"

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar. The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?" The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'whom', not 'who'." The coach rolls his eyes and says, "How are you an English teacher?" The teacher says, "Why do you ask?" And the coach responds, "Because, joke aside, that's not even remotely the correct usage for 'whom'." The teacher rolls his eyes this time and says, "How are you a baseball coach?" The coach, of course, responds with, "Why do you ask?" The teacher says, "Because we're watching tennis."

“I used to date an English teacher, but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.”

"My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange. 'There was a young man who had nothing, until one day he happened upon an orange.' That rhymes?"

An English teacher pulls his student aside after class and goes off on him. "Every time you forget to properly punctuate your work. Please, it's the hundredth time I've asked you, can't you get it through your thick skull? Seriously, it's not that hard. The last time I told you off was what, a day ago? Every time it's the same thing, the same mistakes. It's not a hard thing to learn. No one else in the class struggles with this."

“Where did the English teacher and the student fight? In the MLA boxing ring.”

Teacher: (Picks up the telephone) "Hello, Eric speaking."

Student: "Hello, Shohag can’t come to school today."

Teacher: "How are you related to Shohag?"

Student: "This is my father speaking."

Teacher: "Shohag!"

Teacher: "Does anyone have a question?"

Student: "Is Bubbles a good name for a hamster?"

Teacher: "Your topic is Mexico. So please keep your questions to the topic!"

Student: "Is Bubbles a good name for a hamster in Mexico?"

“Teacher: ‘Everyone, take a seat.’

Student: ‘Where would you like me to take it?’”

Teacher: "In some words we ignore the pronunciation of certain letters. For example, in honor and hour we don’t say the “h”. We call those, silent letters. Shohag, can you go to the cafeteria and heat up my lunch?"

The student goes to the cafeteria. When he returns, the teachers lunch is all gone.

Teacher: "Why did you eat my lunch?"

Student: "I thought the “h” was silent."

Teacher: "How do you feel about coming to school?"

Student: "The coming part is fine, the going part is also good, it’s the part in between that I don’t like."

“Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright!”

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "Have you ever heard of the word contagious before?" "Of course miss" Johnny replies "My father actually said it when we were talking yesterday". "Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?" "Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up."

Have you ever heard a grammar teacher tell a story?

It's always intense!

Children, you have to write an essay that ends with the sentence "Mother, there is only one." One child presents his essay about the time his mother saved his puppy from being run over and killed: "And that's why I say that mother, there is only one." Another child presents his essay about the time he was sick, with fever, and his mother did not leave his side: "And that is why I say that mother, there is only one." And then it was Timmy’s turn." Let's see, Timmy, what have you written." "Once some of my mother's friends came home and she told me "Timmy, go to the fridge and bring 8 beers", and I came back and said "Mother, there is only one"."

"I finally slept with my English teacher. Home-school is great!"

An English teacher has volunteered to educate prisoners at a local prison. Teahcer: "Can you tell me please, what comes after every sentence?" One of the prisoners then responds with, "That's easy. Parole."