“I Say It Every Time They Come Visit”: 55 Times Parents Set A Rule For Their Kids And Wished They Hadn’t

It's normal for kids to complain about having to follow rules, with some even going as far as calling their parents "mean," "nasty," or "unfair" for implementing them. Would life be great if we could all do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted?

Not actually. If everyone ran amok, the world might very well be in a worse state than it already is... Children and adults need rules in order for us to function properly. Many experts agree that setting rules and boundaries for kids is crucial.

"Trying to raise a responsible, cooperative child without age-appropriate boundaries is setting your child up for failure, unpopularity & stress because a well-balanced, self-regulated adult, starts with a child able to follow your rules first until they can self-regulate their own behavior," says Sue Atkins, President of Montessori UK and a parenting expert.

Atkins argues that not giving kids rules is a bit like handing your keys to a toddler and letting them drive your 4x4. Rules, she says, prepare children for the real world, and teach them what to expect and how to behave. Having clear expectations can help kids adapt to new situations, perform better at school and fit in easily at work & in society as a whole.

The expert adds that no matter how often children act as if they want to be in control, having too much power is frightening. "They intuitively know that they need an adult to be in charge, and they count on you to guide, nurture and steer [them]," she explains.

Atkins says it's best to set "positive" rules rather than always saying "no," "don't," or "you can't." For example, instead of saying “No running about with food,” say, “We eat in the kitchen at the table.” And praise them when they're doing something right rather than yelling, nagging or moaning when they do something wrong.

Family therapist Katelyn Alcamo warns that one of the biggest mistakes parents make is not enforcing the rules they set. "We are programmed to want to make our children happy," she explains. "This desire often translates to avoidance of anything that makes our child upset, including enforcing consequences for negative behaviors."

However, Alcamo stresses that it's important to set realistic rules. That's because it’s easier to enforce rules you believe are logical and reasonable. And if your rules are ridiculous, your child may not take them seriously.

"Realistic consequences are also important," notes the expert. "Don’t threaten something you can’t enforce. Kids notice when parents are inconsistent in enforcing consequences and will take advantage."

Both experts agree that the earlier you start setting and enforcing rules and consequences, the easier your parenting journey will be. Alcamo says she's seen many cases of parents not setting rules when their kids were little because they didn't see any major problems.

"As a result, they were often lenient the few times their kids did make poor choices. However, things change when kids become adolescents," warns the therapist. "Not only are the stakes higher, but the pushback may be more intense if they don’t understand their behavior has consequences."

Atkins' advice is not to be too strict. She says many parents set too many boundaries in an effort to be firm and avoid spoiling or indulging their kids too much. But the flip side is that without meaning to, these parents end up severely restricting and trying to control their child’s behavior.

"I worked with a lovely Mum who had 35 rules written up on the back of the kitchen door! The little 5-year-old was so angry all the time – he had a special cushion in the kitchen to punch," shares the expert, adding that she helped the mother get the list down to 5 or 6 realistic house rules.

As this list proves, being too strict, or setting ridiculous rules can backfire. And Atkins agrees.

"Don’t expect your toddler to sit for an hour at the table every evening while you all eat dinner with Grandma or to never to run in the house – you are setting up your child to fail as your rules aren’t realistic," she warns. "You could also damage your child’s self-esteem as your high expectations could make them feel that they’re incapable of ever getting things right or ever pleasing you."