“Is There Any Real Benefit In Marriage For Women?”: 50 Honest Answers People Didn’t Hold Back On

I'm noticing that often posts wondering "is there any point to marriage" are really more "I married a jerk".

So no, there's no point and no benefit to being married if one married a bad man. That's not really a problem with marriage in itself though, it's a problem with the man you chose as your husband.

CanthinMinna:
That is not the problem. There are a lot of men who drop their masks after they have "trapped" the woman, in marriage or with children. Men often show their real personalities after they think that the woman can't leave. It is not only in the USA - plenty of Finnish discussion forums have women telling how after a year or two their husbands suddenly regress into a completely helpless state, or how slowly all the housework starts to pile on the women (men execute weaponized incompetence easily).

Women do not choose cr**py men. Women choose men who hide their cr**piness until the honeymoon is over.

If it benefited women, it would be illegal.

My mom’s plan was to retire, and then move to the west coast to be close to her grandkids (and kids.) She told my dad he was welcome to come with her, but he made it very clear he was never moving anywhere. So she was going to leave him behind and happily live her best life without him. We were so proud of her.

Unfortunately, she got cancer and passed before she could make her move. She worked her whole life waiting to be free and do what she wanted, and she never got to do it. Life is short, you should live it for yourself.

No. Marriage is set up to benefit men only. If it was to benefit women there wouldn’t be such a thing as marriage.

Single women live longer happier safer and healthier lives. I would do it now and do it quietly. You’ll not regret it. You’ll find that once you’ve left you’ll see your work load in the home decrease drastically. Also the mental load. I wish you all the best.

savagefleurdelis23:
I saw this at age 14. I kept thinking there has got to me more to life than marriage and a man. I was a naturally very independent child and wanted to keep my independence so I went after a h**h earning career (Finance.) I make 4x what most people make and some years even more. I have amazing friends, an amazing village I’ve built over the years, people who pour into my cup daily. My life is full, adventurous, plenty of super close connections, support, and love. Marriage is completely useless for someone like me.

I’m proud to say I’ve not done any dudes dishes or laundry. I’ve certainly lived with a “partner” but I refuse to enable so I won’t pick up after him. The dishes can stay in the sink for weeks cause f**k that noise. I am nobody’s mommy.

I can confirm being single is the best and most happy I’ve ever been in my life. And as I get older I get happier. I have men friends but I don’t date. I refuse to subject myself to that h**l. Single is best for competent women.

Marriage benefits breadwinner women even less. The wealth sharing rules around marriage were meant to protect women who didn’t earn money but who took care of the home. For most of us, we still take care of the home and the man benefits from both our money and our service.

This is why I’m not married.

Throwaway_hoarder_:
Plus of course resentment by the lower earning man is so common. It's ridiculous that men get to assume their dating pool will widen the more they earn, and women fear it will shrink, and often they'll have tk do extra work downplaying their success to assuage his ego. 

I’m in a similar position to you. Currently trying to decide what path I want to go down when it comes to my marriage of almost 19 years. I’m convinced marriage should be a short-term contract. Once the contract is up, the parties can choose to renew, change the terms, or just end the contract.

Dogzillas_Mom:
I’ve developed the short term contract idea for years. Love it. Initial contract should be three years. Children are negotiated before the contract is executed. Also, all financials and who owns what. Basically, a very thorough prenup. There will be two one-year optional renewals. After year five, renew, renegotiate or just end it.

The perfect partner for me at 20 is a completely and totally different person than the right partner for me at 30 or 40. The idea of lifetime marriage is based on religion and was really about inheritance, assuring your estate goes to your rightful heirs.

So he believes he is the “head of the house” but you worked two jobs to get him through school and have always been the bread winner. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

As a perpetually single women (by choice) - this has been my feeling since I was very young - that marriage has very little, if any, benefit to me. I don't hate men - but unless/until someone comes into my life that adds to it instead of chipping little bits of me away - I see no value to it (esp. as I don't want children). I make my money, my house is how i want it, i take the trips I want, etc. and it's not perfect - there are times I feel left out or a little lonely but that's maybe 5% of the time.

I think the benefit a woman gets from marriage strongly depends on the man she is married to. Lots of marriages do end once the children are grown. You may find, though, that when it is just the two of you, you reconnect in ways you haven't since before you started a family. I got married at 19, but we focused on education and careers so didn't have our first child until 8 years later. When we became empty nesters, we were right back to traveling and exploring hobbies together. It has been wonderful!

lastpickedforteam:
Exactly. I guess I'm a rare bird, i married my best friend. We're married 36 years and still in love. We've gone thru some rough times but we both wanted the marriage to work .I don't know how I got so lucky.

I like my husband and enjoy his company and affection.

I don't carry the mental load. We split it. If anything he takes more of it because he works from home most days. He does all the school stuff or we go together but he is the point of contact. We go to most kid doctor appointments together or he goes alone with them since I work weird hours. I have a chronic illness and he's really been a huge help. I do the cooking and he does the laundry. That sort of thing.

I think the key is having a partner where things are split in an equitable way. We've been together 25 years and it wasn't always this way. When I was a sahm I did everything and it was a huge burden. I couldn't live like that and we almost got divorced, but did counseling and got on the same page.

For me the benefit is companionship and security that if we split I won't be hung out to dry. Dating is awful these days, judging by my single friends.

I think we are at a strange point in history where society expects women to handle all the admin, mental load and emotional labor because that’s how it worked in our grandparents’ houses—even though we now earn at least half the money. It’s ridiculous, but it’s because in order to convince men to let us work and vote, our mothers had to tell them they wouldn’t have to give anything up. So they didn’t.

I think it’s pretty common to get extra frustrated with this inequity as perimenopause hits and the hormones that make us want to cuddle and care for our people decline.

Once the kids are gone, it may become less stressful. And maybe you and your hubby can find time to try to connect more. I would try to talk to him and get couples therapy before throwing in the towel. But you’re not wrong to feel the way you do. And especially with his patriarchal BS you might well be happier alone.

But in the meantime, maybe try to start taking more time for yourself and asking others to do just a bit more for themselves. Do something on your own once a week; take yourself on a weekend getaway. It will make the transition less scary if you end up leaving.

Idk, sounds like you married someone who was never a real partner and you just accepted because "that's what marriage is like".

I've been married for 13 years and I love being married, love sharing my life with my best friend and lover. And we very much share responsibilities in every level (even if in certain areas one might take the lead).

notkeepinguponthis:
This. When I see posts about marriage being the problem I then look at the details of the post and clearly see sh**ty partners leading people to believe all marriages are bad. A marriage can be a bad deal, and it sounds like this one is. But that doesn’t mean they are all a bad deal.

73F here. I saw no real benefit. I gave way more than I received while being bossed around. It is a cultural thing, it was expected that hubby had the last word. It was certainly not all bad though but I would not do it again. I am single now (widow) and happier than ever. No more compromise !

I just want to hug every single one of you who feels alone in your marriage. I’m so sorry. I went through a breakup last month with the person I once thought would become my spouse, and after reading your experiences (and retroactively reflecting on unspoken concerns and potential red flags), perhaps my being single at 43 is actually okay.

If you have a decent husband, it makes life far easier to help with chores, and the economic security that comes with 2 incomes.

If you don't have a decent husband, it becomes a net negative and a drain, and it's better to find intentional family instead.

One benefit of marriage for either gender is if something befalls you or your husband, you’re first in line as a health directive unless stated otherwise.

I say it’s a benefit because plenty of people who were in a relationship with someone for ages… but unmarried, end up comatose or unable to respond. But since they weren’t officially married, their next of kin gets to decide what happens to them, instead of the partner they dated and lived with for over a decade.

Edited to add: marriage can also make you eligible for FMLA if your spouse becomes sick. I don’t think you’re eligible if you are unmarried. That’s one thing a living will or healthcare directive won’t cover.

We got married before marriage equality was a thing. We considered not marrying, because it didn’t seem fair. We were considering waiting for marriage equality before marrying ourselves.

We decided to go for it because I was choosing a career in public service, and he was going into medicine, so our salaries would be highly mismatched. We wanted, in the event of the relationship breaking down, for me to have legal and financial protections.

We have been married 26 years now. He makes $300k a year, and I make $80k. My entire salary goes into retirement and savings. We have a great life, and expect to be together forever. If he were to die, I would get his pension and social security.

Legal marriage has been a huge benefit. We are equal partners in household administration/chores and parenting. But I see the emotional labor part of it to be completely unrelated to the legal aspect. I would not be in a relationship that wasn’t equal in that sense, married or not.

I don’t have any answers, I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. Sometimes I feel like the odds are a bit stacked against love for smart women. Men have long been socially trained that keeping a relationship intact means being *needed* in some way. Even if that historically was just, “I’m keeping you from living in poverty so you need to put out,” and that wasn’t great for women.

Too many men have just not transitioned well to a world where most women don’t *need* help surviving but they *want* help to build a family and future. Somehow that isn’t translating for men, and the lack of true need is making them unmotivated, leaving women stuck with men that aren’t that bad but really aren’t that great either. Life without them feels different but not that daunting.

I’ve been in the exact same boat lately, if that makes you feel any better. Best case scenario feels like my husband cheats on me, and I can get out of this blahness without the guilt and social stigma, and go live a happy quiet life alone in a little place near the ocean. It’s strange to catch myself fantasizing in that way.

I am recently divorced. My kids are young, and we have 50-50 custody. I would say that 95% of the time I am much happier and feel fulfilled living my own single life. I can do my hobbies (running, knitting, reading), listen to music I like, watch TV that I want without anyone making me feel guilty or judging my choices. The house is as clean as it was when I left.

BUT I feel a lot of responsibility. I also don’t have any family around to help me, so if there is an emergency or something happens, it is all on me. I don’t have anyone to call for help. Several months ago I got home from work and picking up the kids, and walked into my house and a pipe had burst and was pouring water into the basement. Instead of doing normal dinner, bath, bed routine, I had to deal with the mess and cleanup. I wasn’t able to make dinner and fed my kids cake for dinner. It felt horrible. I felt horrible. In those moments, I would like to feel like I have a partner. However, when I was married, I often felt like I didn’t have a partner then as well.. so….

If there is I’d like to know what it is….

I was the breadwinner, class representative for three classes, the manager of the sports teams, booker of holidays, and organiser of every appointment and activity for over a decade.

Im now mid 40s and separated nearly two years.
Have my young kids half the time and live my best no parent life the other half. My career has gone from strength to strength, I’m having the best s*x of my life, and my relationship with my kids is thriving.

The first year can be tough with financial separation, custody and divorce, but once thats done… nothing but positives for me. My married friends tell me I’m a walking advertisement for divorce.