What do you get when you mix intense pain, exhaustion, adrenaline and a room full of people yelling "push!"? Potentially, an atmosphere where almost anything can happen - and sometimes, even some top class entertainment.
Giving birth has the ability to strip away every layer of politeness, pretense and sanity. It's raw, it's emotional and often, in hindsight, it can be quite hilarious. From moms screaming for a divorce, to dads passing out, the flies on the maternity ward walls have seen it all. Messy chaos that culminates in the beautiful moment new life enters this world.
Someone asked, "OB/GYN doctors/midwives what is the craziest thing that a woman has said during labor?" and people didn't hold back.
Bored Panda has out together a list of the most unfiltered answers for you to scroll through as you marvel at the miracle of birth. Many prove that labor isn't just a medical event, it's a full-blown unscripted performace.
#1
This wasn't during the birth part, that was pretty ho-hum to the outside observer as it was a c-section and I just laid there feeling push pull sensations and waiting.
My story is afterward, jacked up on the fullest dose of morphine they could give me (so I could "stay ahead of the pain", they frightened me into the largest dose). My whole family was in the room, as well as all of my friends, some of them were dudes.
I was holding my new pink beautiful lil baby boy and wanted to breastfeed right there. Being skinny skinny my whole life, I was quietly delighted to have obtained an ample bosom, but at this moments thanks to that glorious morphine, I wasn't so quiet about it. I whipped my boobies out without warning and yelled "Behold! I will breastfeed!" And everyone shuffled awkwardly and put their hands up by their faces or shifted their gaze. "What? They're just boobs! Some fine boobs!"
This is on video.
My story is afterward, jacked up on the fullest dose of morphine they could give me (so I could "stay ahead of the pain", they frightened me into the largest dose). My whole family was in the room, as well as all of my friends, some of them were dudes.
I was holding my new pink beautiful lil baby boy and wanted to breastfeed right there. Being skinny skinny my whole life, I was quietly delighted to have obtained an ample bosom, but at this moments thanks to that glorious morphine, I wasn't so quiet about it. I whipped my boobies out without warning and yelled "Behold! I will breastfeed!" And everyone shuffled awkwardly and put their hands up by their faces or shifted their gaze. "What? They're just boobs! Some fine boobs!"
This is on video.
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44points
Pregnancy Brain, Mommy Brain, Momnesia... Many people joke about it but it's actually a real thing. And it affects up to 80% of women who have children, especially toddlers or newborns.
Because of the way pregnancy changes a woman's brain, it can take up to 6 years to feel "normal" again. During that time many moms experience memory lapses, difficulty recalling names or words, brain fog, poor concentration, disorientation, clumsiness and absentmindedness. It isn't just exhaustion at play...
#2
My mom had c-sections with me and my two siblings. Well the doctor had to cauterize something during one of her c-sections, she saw smoke, and asked the doctor, "Is that a bush fire!?" The doctor had a pretty good sense of humor and just laughed it off.
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43points
#3
Not doctor or midwife, but nursing student. A patient's husband was getting REALLY into the delivery. Super pumped. Started yelling and then ripped off his shirt and took his shoes off while saying "YEAH, LETS DO THIS!" It was bizarre and hilarious. Had to take a lot of convincing for him to put his shoes back on.
31points
“Pregnancy-related changes to the respiratory, cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, endocrine and immunological systems are well understood and often highlighted more than changes in the brain," says Obstetrician and Gynaecologist Dr Tasneem Gallant.
The expert adds that studies have shown pregnant women's brain's undergo various changes including a decrease in grey matter volume, cortical thinning, an increase in white matter and ventricular volume size.
#4
Fairly common occurrence, but while stitching up an episiotomy, the mother farted a few times in my face, but since she couldn't feel it due to the epidural, and could only hear it, she giggled. The funny part was that then she said "that's what you get".
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30points
#5
I was in labor with my second. I had a dose of stadal (sp?) that had worn off hours before and they gave me pitocin which made the contractions more painful. It was terrible. I was getting close to pushing. I was 10cm but there was a lip of my cervix that wouldn't recede. So, pretty intense time. Well the room phone rings and the nurse reaches across me and grabs the phone. Stretching the cord across me. She's having a conversation with the lab about how my blood had clotted or some stuff and they needed more. She relays it to me. I'm mid contraction, listening to how the hospital screwed up and there's a phone cord stretched across my belly. I grab her by the stethoscope around her neck and yell, "IF YOU DONT HANG UP AND HELP ME, YOUR GONNA HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE TO COLLECT YOUR BLOOD......FROM THE WALLS!!! It was so mean and I didn't mean it. I was just hurting really bad and she was irritating me. I felt horrible after and apologized a million times. I had my mom bring her breakfast the next morning.
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25points
#6
I did my internship in L&D for surgical technology. The hospital I was at is located in a very Hispanic part of Southern California, and as a result, most of my patients spoke little to no english. There was one woman who chose to get the IV meds instead of an epidural, and had a pretty bad reaction to them. She ended up standing up in the hospital bed, screaming the same thing in Spanish over and over and pointing out the window. Someone who spoke Spanish translated it to "There is a brown cow!"
We were on the 2nd floor.
We were on the 2nd floor.
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25points
“The hormonally influenced decrease in grey matter volume observed during pregnancy is thought to contribute to pregnancy-related brain symptoms," explains Gallant. "It is thought that these brain adaptations enable a heightened response to an infant’s needs and increase bonding between mother and child.”
#7
I should ask my husband for some quotes..
They gave me some IV pain meds during labor that made me see the same funky geometric shapes I had hallucinated way back when I ran a high fever in kindergarten. I remember being really excited about this and trying to explain how cool it was that the shapes were back after all this time. When the meds wore off enough that I could see my sweet husband through/between the shapes, he just looked confused and concerned. He told me I could tell him all about it later.
After that dose wore off, the nurses didn't give me any more medicine in my IV. The meds were supposed to relieve pain and make people a little disorientated as a side effect. They weren't supposed to be strong enough to knock me unconscious or make me talk about my friends the triangles.
Apparently I'm just an extreme light weight when it comes to meds and the normal dosage was more than enough. Fortunately, labor lasted another 12 hours and those meds wore off so I was clear headed enough to hold my baby immediately after birth.
They gave me some IV pain meds during labor that made me see the same funky geometric shapes I had hallucinated way back when I ran a high fever in kindergarten. I remember being really excited about this and trying to explain how cool it was that the shapes were back after all this time. When the meds wore off enough that I could see my sweet husband through/between the shapes, he just looked confused and concerned. He told me I could tell him all about it later.
After that dose wore off, the nurses didn't give me any more medicine in my IV. The meds were supposed to relieve pain and make people a little disorientated as a side effect. They weren't supposed to be strong enough to knock me unconscious or make me talk about my friends the triangles.
Apparently I'm just an extreme light weight when it comes to meds and the normal dosage was more than enough. Fortunately, labor lasted another 12 hours and those meds wore off so I was clear headed enough to hold my baby immediately after birth.
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23points
#8
I am not a medical professional but when a friend was induced and the labor was not progressing quickly enough (I think it was something like 6cm dilated after 12hrs) they told her right before a contraction that they wanted to go ahead and prep for a c section. She turned to them just as the contraction hit and said "don't you cut me" in such a way as to frighten everyone in the room (like they expected her head to spin around next). She ended up getting her way and gave birth naturally as things started progressing faster at that point.
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23points
#9
Not a doctor but I just gave birth via c-section two weeks ago. They let my mom bring my son over to me for a couple seconds and when she did, he immediately stopped crying (though I'm pretty sure that's normal). Since I was on morphine, after I saw my affect on him, I said "I am the earth mother!" That's the only thing I remember saying.
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23points
#10
When my younger sister was born, she was covered in some sort of weird gooey stuff that wasn't there when I was born. My dad, puzzled, commented that she was covered in cheese. My mother apparently could not stop laughing at cheese for like 30 minutes.
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22points
#11
When I was giving birth to my second kid, one of the nurses had the gall to tell me I was overreacting. I'd gotten no painkiller and the head was crowning. I tried to climb out of bed and told her, "I'm overreacting? Bring your fat butt over here and I'll *show* you overreacting! Why don't you go buzz off" and then my husband gently pushed me back down and placed an oxygen mask over my face. I'm not usually a confrontational person.
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20points
#12
I have a friend whos father is a doctor. Apparently when they deliver babies they usually wear rubber boots and such because a delivery is messy. Well this one time some fluid or afterbirth shot out from this lady giving birth and landed straight in to his rubber boot so he had to perform the rest of the delivery with his boot full of bodyfluids.
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20points
#13
My mom told me that my dad was trying to calm her down with breathing exercises and she got so irrationally angry through her pain that she grabbed my dads privates and shouted "THIS IS ALL *YOUR* FAULT!".
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20points
#14
My second daughter was an insanely fast delivery. I pushed three times and she was out. Because of this, my body wasn't able to adjust to things fast enough and i started bleeding pretty badly. So my daughter was put in a bassinet beside me until they could get the bleeding to stop. During all of this chaos, an aide kept asking me what I wanted to order for lunch. I was absolutely not hungry and told her that several times. Finally, the bleeding was under control and things slowed down and this nurse AGAIN asked me (like the 7th time asking in less than an hr) what I wanted for lunch. I snapped at her and said "I told you I'm not hungry! I just want to hold my baby!" She left the room and the nurse came in and handed me my little girl. About 15 minutes later, this aide comes back in and - here's the real kicker - was carrying a sandwich. She told me I had to put the baby down and eat it.. Well, at this point I was exhausted and beyond annoyed. I took the sandwich and threw it across the room, and between gritted teeth said "don't come back in here." She didn't come back.
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20points
#15
During my wife's first childbirth the OB/GYN walked in when she was at about 7 cm. She was sitting up playing cards and joking with us. The lady in the next door room was screaming the place down.
Doctor says "Oh come on, at least breathe deeply - give us something!".
This is why you should accept the meds offered to you ladies. Plus, I think my wife just has no pain reflex.
Doctor says "Oh come on, at least breathe deeply - give us something!".
This is why you should accept the meds offered to you ladies. Plus, I think my wife just has no pain reflex.
19points
#16
Not a doctor, or midwife, but when my wife was finally getting a c-section after three days in labour she asked the doctors to stop.
Uh... that baby has to come out.
Uh... that baby has to come out.
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18points
#17
Not at doctor but my dad is. He said one time he walked into the delivery room and all the lights were turned off and all these candles were burning. Being night, he flicked the light switch and the couple started FREAKING OUT! Apearently, their baby needed to be born by "natural light".
17points
#18
My wife climbed off the bed mid active labor and claimed she was going home epidural drip in tow.
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17points
#19
My friend had her baby and had really crazy complications during the delivery due to her frame being so small and a few other issues. She told me she became convinced that she somehow lost the lower half of her body. She insisted that they had cut her in half like one of those circus tricks and demanded her body be reconnected. It turned out she hadn't expected the epidural to numb the lower half and she was just looped off of pain stuff they gave her for her complications.
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16points
#20
I'm not an OB, but after I had an epidural during my first labor, I went silent for several hours, then looked over to my husband and said "What was the name of that movie where Shaq played a genie?"
Apparently both of us made a lot of "inappropriate jokes" after that which I don't remember, because, pain and meds.
Apparently both of us made a lot of "inappropriate jokes" after that which I don't remember, because, pain and meds.
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16points