We all know how disappointing it is to go on a first date and realize the person sitting across from you is a giant red flag. But honestly, that’s a blessing in disguise. Because some people don’t reveal who they really are until years down the line, and that is infinitely worse.
One Redditor asked divorced women to share how their ex-husbands did a “180” after they got married, and the answers were shocking. We’ve rounded up some of the most jaw-dropping stories below. Scroll down to read them and upvote the ones that left you speechless.
#1
The drinking, the behavior during the drinking, the meanness and vulgar insults he hurled my way, his volatility, the first time he broke something, the first time he was texting “just an old friend,” the first time a friend sent me screenshots of his Tinder, the first time I made excuses for him, the first time he made me cry and *laughed* before giving me a shove.
He was so utterly charming and vulnerable, so passionate and gregarious. He was captivating in every way; from the second we met, I was just SUNK for my ex. I so so so so wanted us to work out. I was so dedicated that I buried my head in the sand.
But I’m stronger and wiser now. And I have made a gorgeous little life for myself. :).
He was so utterly charming and vulnerable, so passionate and gregarious. He was captivating in every way; from the second we met, I was just SUNK for my ex. I so so so so wanted us to work out. I was so dedicated that I buried my head in the sand.
But I’m stronger and wiser now. And I have made a gorgeous little life for myself. :).
30points
#2
We agreed to live in Korea temporarily for his mother. After she passed he refused to move back to Canada. So we moved to Japan for a bit, hated living there too. Eventually I had enough divorced him and came back to Canada.
He ended up moving back to Korea and working in the kpop entertainment industry.
He STILL stalks me on social media (mainly this account). I literally had to delete everything to get him to leave me alone.
He never remarried (which is kinda satisfying). And I went onto do *super* well for myself.
The biggest red flag that I had no way of knowing at the time is how Korea treats men and women vs how Canada treats men and women. I met him in Canada in high school, and he acted like a Canadian man. When we got to Korea he did a 180 and acted like a Korean man. I took Japanese and Korean all throughout high school just so I could communicate with his family and *thought* I had a grasp on the culture but my god was I wrong.
Within a year I knew I hated living in Korea AND Japan.
Those countries are not for women.
But my advice to anyone marrying an international man FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KNOW THEIR CULTURE.
I'm part Korean and have citizenship in Korea and thought that would keep me safe but it absolutely did not.
And now I speak/read/write in 2 languages for two countries I hate and absolutely would never live in. I wish AI existed back then because I never would've learnt the languages had I known AI would come into play. I wasted so many years miserable over rose tinted glasses i had on because I loved a man.
I'll never date another Korean man that's for sure.
He ended up moving back to Korea and working in the kpop entertainment industry.
He STILL stalks me on social media (mainly this account). I literally had to delete everything to get him to leave me alone.
He never remarried (which is kinda satisfying). And I went onto do *super* well for myself.
The biggest red flag that I had no way of knowing at the time is how Korea treats men and women vs how Canada treats men and women. I met him in Canada in high school, and he acted like a Canadian man. When we got to Korea he did a 180 and acted like a Korean man. I took Japanese and Korean all throughout high school just so I could communicate with his family and *thought* I had a grasp on the culture but my god was I wrong.
Within a year I knew I hated living in Korea AND Japan.
Those countries are not for women.
But my advice to anyone marrying an international man FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KNOW THEIR CULTURE.
I'm part Korean and have citizenship in Korea and thought that would keep me safe but it absolutely did not.
And now I speak/read/write in 2 languages for two countries I hate and absolutely would never live in. I wish AI existed back then because I never would've learnt the languages had I known AI would come into play. I wasted so many years miserable over rose tinted glasses i had on because I loved a man.
I'll never date another Korean man that's for sure.
25points
#3
I married who I thought was my “person”. A naive, star-crossed kind of love, which tinted my glasses a very dark shade of rose. For background- I consider myself a hyper-independent, matriarchal, outspoken and intelligent feminist. Surely I was above the social programming that convinces one to believe in fairy tales. But I was no better.
I thought I had the pacing right and everything. Checked in with myself every step of the way. 1 year dating and living separately. His house seems clean enough. Check. His ability to maintain a stable job to provide for himself seems adequate. Check. He even cooked a meal for me while I was staying over and feeling well. Check. He’s well educated (we met in college! Wow, not even on an app!) Check.
Year two we move in together. We are managing finances together. Check. We are taking care of a home together. Check. We are still spending quality time together and having frequent date nights and intimacy. Check.
Year three we get engaged. We travel. We are on cloud nine. Year three he crashes out over his career. I assume this is normal, his justifications make all the sense in the world. I assume this is one of those hard things couples endure together. He assures he will be back on the horse in just a couple of weeks.
He does not get on the horse. Meanwhile we are planning our wedding. Pushing forward through the discomfort. I learn I cannot approach him about things that are bothering me. Lack of effort. I can’t believe this is the same person I agreed to start my life with. But still, I push forward, attributing our problems to wedding planning stress, feeling immense amounts of compassion for the huge identity crisis he’s going through after years of education and persistence.
I suggest therapy. These conversations get ugly. Suddenly I’m the bad guy all the time. I’m too practical. He’s too depressed. But still, I persist. After all, it is a “star crossed kind of love”.
He never attends.
He finds a new career path. We get married. Things are good again for a while, but he never really picks up slack in the home. I’m tired and frustrated. He says I only care about chores and work. He works less hours than I do and I cook him dinner and clean up after him every night. After 6 months I can’t take it anymore and I beg him to go to therapy because I need help and I’m resentful and we can’t talk about anything without everything falling apart. If not alone then with me. He refuses and gets very angry, for hours if not days, as is typical now for XYZ reason.
I decide to go to therapy myself. I figure it must be my fault. In the first few weeks I learn about better communication styles. In the subsequent weeks I learn about the patterns of emotional mistreatement and am advised to look out for patterns. So I do, but I persist. But so do the patterns. His angry outbursts are more frequent. He is throwing and breaking things. He is kind and sweet. He loves me. He hates me. So I never know what flavor to anticipate and I live my life walking on eggshells.
Suddenly I cannot have hobbies, see friends, see family, without punishment by him, emotional in nature and therefore inherently confusing. The goal posts keeping moving. He is never satisfied, in any capacity, even those involving consent to interact with my body, even when I am unwilling and unable to pour from my empty cup.
He begins to scare me. In counseling I am reminded no one thinks their spouse will hurt them. In counseling I am reminded some people spend decades trapped in this cycle. I learn I thought I was the exception with my fated lover and I was wrong. I don’t want to make the same mistake again so I leave.
I learned about the importance of patterns and paid attention to save my life. I gave too much grace until the end when I knew I could no longer give any. And if I would have had listened to my intuition from the start, I would have realized his good behavior was the exception, just gestures and not the pattern, and I would’ve given less grace then too if I knew then what I know now.
I thought I had the pacing right and everything. Checked in with myself every step of the way. 1 year dating and living separately. His house seems clean enough. Check. His ability to maintain a stable job to provide for himself seems adequate. Check. He even cooked a meal for me while I was staying over and feeling well. Check. He’s well educated (we met in college! Wow, not even on an app!) Check.
Year two we move in together. We are managing finances together. Check. We are taking care of a home together. Check. We are still spending quality time together and having frequent date nights and intimacy. Check.
Year three we get engaged. We travel. We are on cloud nine. Year three he crashes out over his career. I assume this is normal, his justifications make all the sense in the world. I assume this is one of those hard things couples endure together. He assures he will be back on the horse in just a couple of weeks.
He does not get on the horse. Meanwhile we are planning our wedding. Pushing forward through the discomfort. I learn I cannot approach him about things that are bothering me. Lack of effort. I can’t believe this is the same person I agreed to start my life with. But still, I push forward, attributing our problems to wedding planning stress, feeling immense amounts of compassion for the huge identity crisis he’s going through after years of education and persistence.
I suggest therapy. These conversations get ugly. Suddenly I’m the bad guy all the time. I’m too practical. He’s too depressed. But still, I persist. After all, it is a “star crossed kind of love”.
He never attends.
He finds a new career path. We get married. Things are good again for a while, but he never really picks up slack in the home. I’m tired and frustrated. He says I only care about chores and work. He works less hours than I do and I cook him dinner and clean up after him every night. After 6 months I can’t take it anymore and I beg him to go to therapy because I need help and I’m resentful and we can’t talk about anything without everything falling apart. If not alone then with me. He refuses and gets very angry, for hours if not days, as is typical now for XYZ reason.
I decide to go to therapy myself. I figure it must be my fault. In the first few weeks I learn about better communication styles. In the subsequent weeks I learn about the patterns of emotional mistreatement and am advised to look out for patterns. So I do, but I persist. But so do the patterns. His angry outbursts are more frequent. He is throwing and breaking things. He is kind and sweet. He loves me. He hates me. So I never know what flavor to anticipate and I live my life walking on eggshells.
Suddenly I cannot have hobbies, see friends, see family, without punishment by him, emotional in nature and therefore inherently confusing. The goal posts keeping moving. He is never satisfied, in any capacity, even those involving consent to interact with my body, even when I am unwilling and unable to pour from my empty cup.
He begins to scare me. In counseling I am reminded no one thinks their spouse will hurt them. In counseling I am reminded some people spend decades trapped in this cycle. I learn I thought I was the exception with my fated lover and I was wrong. I don’t want to make the same mistake again so I leave.
I learned about the importance of patterns and paid attention to save my life. I gave too much grace until the end when I knew I could no longer give any. And if I would have had listened to my intuition from the start, I would have realized his good behavior was the exception, just gestures and not the pattern, and I would’ve given less grace then too if I knew then what I know now.
25points
#4
As a woman who’s signing her divorce papers in less than a week, I can say that in hindsight I did miss a major red flag: *unaccountability*.
It was never his fault.
Ever.
He was always the victim. Everything happened to him.
Also, ladies: (most of the times) the way he talks about his ex is going to be the way he talks about you when your relationship is over!
So let us believe men when they show us who they are. Because they do. With actions, or lack there of.
We sometimes want to believe our love will change them. We want to believe they’ll walk the extra mile for us.
But you cannot love someone into growth.
It was never his fault.
Ever.
He was always the victim. Everything happened to him.
Also, ladies: (most of the times) the way he talks about his ex is going to be the way he talks about you when your relationship is over!
So let us believe men when they show us who they are. Because they do. With actions, or lack there of.
We sometimes want to believe our love will change them. We want to believe they’ll walk the extra mile for us.
But you cannot love someone into growth.
23points
#5
He refused to take responsibility for little things, even when they were clearly his fault, and he would get very angry about something small and then pretend like he’d never been upset. He lied constantly, but I only started picking up on that after we were married.
23points
#6
His "180" happened after the birth of our child but, that said: He was a person who was fundamentally unwilling to make sacrifices for loved ones.
It wasn't obvious to me because I've always been a very independent, self-reliant person. I never needed him to make personal sacrifices for me. After the birth of our child both of us needed to make sacrifices and, for the first time in our relationship, I truly needed his help.
This made him intensely resentful. He felt wronged by the necessary changes that come with parenthood and he took it out on me. He cheated and became violent with me for going forward with a divorce.
It wasn't obvious to me because I've always been a very independent, self-reliant person. I never needed him to make personal sacrifices for me. After the birth of our child both of us needed to make sacrifices and, for the first time in our relationship, I truly needed his help.
This made him intensely resentful. He felt wronged by the necessary changes that come with parenthood and he took it out on me. He cheated and became violent with me for going forward with a divorce.
22points
#7
I dismissed small red flags like hiding a silly swimsuit calendar, small instances of rigidness or control, and little lies. He had been hiding a lot more and a lot worse. His control turned nasty once I had a child, and he ended up mistreating me in every possible way. It really wasn't a 180, but like he was able to hide who he was because, as a woman, I was taught to compromise and play nice with men. Allow for their small mistakes. But I didn't know that these were little tests. They were little pushes against boundaries until I was placated and vulnerable. Once I was isolated from family and friends, and locked in due to the baby, he no longer had to hide who he was
21points
#8
I got married to my ex, he suddenly changed his tune to him being "in charge" as the "man of the house" and making financial decisions. I actually paid the bills because everything came out of my account, but I never had any extra money because so much of my income was used and his wasn't, since my kids weren't his. Then I inherited some money and HE nickeled and dimed it to no end until it was nearly gone less than two years later. Our divorce was final before our second anniversary. It cost me a fortune (the inheritance) but it was worth it to get rid of him. He didn't display any of this behavior beforehand.
20points
#9
The red flags were there, I just didn't know that they were red flags.
My ex-husband true colors did not totally come out until after my first child was born, about 2 years into our marriage. I think the birth threatened his "space and attention." The day he called me a "bad mom" (I was struggling with PPD), and threw me across the room, was the day I should have left, but I thought it was accident and wouldn't happen again. He never touched me again, but things also never got any better.
My ex-husband true colors did not totally come out until after my first child was born, about 2 years into our marriage. I think the birth threatened his "space and attention." The day he called me a "bad mom" (I was struggling with PPD), and threw me across the room, was the day I should have left, but I thought it was accident and wouldn't happen again. He never touched me again, but things also never got any better.
19points
#10
His friends and family told me what a "good influence" I was on him and how he used to be before I came in the picture - quick to escalate situations, yelling, physically fighting, etc.
Turns out, I was only a good influence until I couldn't easily walk away. And by then, we had moved to a different state. Our new friends knew the "cool" version of him and it was just me getting the version of him that his people warned me about.
Turns out, I was only a good influence until I couldn't easily walk away. And by then, we had moved to a different state. Our new friends knew the "cool" version of him and it was just me getting the version of him that his people warned me about.
16points
#11
We were friends for a couple of years, got into a relationship, and after five years of being a couple, we got married. We knew each other well and saw each other as best friends (or I thought so). In the span of a couple of months after our wedding, he did a 180. I knew him as a supportive, loving partner, but that changed, and he became lazy, passive, entitled, and verbally aggressive. I think marriage made him feel so confident that I wouldn't leave that he started showing his true colors. In hindsight, the red flags I ignored were jokes at my expense, weaponized incompetence, and subtle attempts to control me. Those things only happened a couple of times a year, but after our wedding, they became a daily/weekly thing."
"Also, a lot of people around him often joked that he didn't deserve me and that I was too kind. Because it didn't happen often, I ignored those red flags, but honestly, ANY disrespect like that should've made me question the relationship. I asked for a divorce after three years of marriage, and two weeks later, I was diagnosed with cancer. He made life a living hell during that period. Spread rumors about me, made jokes about my illness, tried to have me legally kicked out of our home while I was sick, etc. Needless to say, getting a divorce was the best choice I ever made. I recovered well and have never been happier!
"Also, a lot of people around him often joked that he didn't deserve me and that I was too kind. Because it didn't happen often, I ignored those red flags, but honestly, ANY disrespect like that should've made me question the relationship. I asked for a divorce after three years of marriage, and two weeks later, I was diagnosed with cancer. He made life a living hell during that period. Spread rumors about me, made jokes about my illness, tried to have me legally kicked out of our home while I was sick, etc. Needless to say, getting a divorce was the best choice I ever made. I recovered well and have never been happier!
16points
#12
I truly didn’t see any red flags, even in hindsight, I can’t explain his absolute revolt against me. I went from being his best friend to his enemy and authority figure that he needed to fight against.
15points
#13
There were plenty of hindsight-visible red flags for other reasons, but none related specifically to the 180.
We went into the wedding as equal partners and yet after the wedding during the marriage his expectation was for me to functionally do everything for him and essentially be his mother. He expected to go to work and get paid. He expected me to also go to work and get paid + handle the entire household, all bills, all cooking, all cleaning, all planning, everything - even maintain his family relationships for him. Every responsibility he could shirk, shirked it would be, and I'd be the one screamed at and held accountable if it didn't go his way. I don't miss those times at all.
There were lots of clues for why we probably wouldn't last, but there were no clues for the switch from wanting to have and be an equal partner to expecting someone to care for and cater to you constantly. His own family didn't even work that way, so I don't know why he thought that would fly with me.
The relief and freedom when we decided to divorce was amazing.
We went into the wedding as equal partners and yet after the wedding during the marriage his expectation was for me to functionally do everything for him and essentially be his mother. He expected to go to work and get paid. He expected me to also go to work and get paid + handle the entire household, all bills, all cooking, all cleaning, all planning, everything - even maintain his family relationships for him. Every responsibility he could shirk, shirked it would be, and I'd be the one screamed at and held accountable if it didn't go his way. I don't miss those times at all.
There were lots of clues for why we probably wouldn't last, but there were no clues for the switch from wanting to have and be an equal partner to expecting someone to care for and cater to you constantly. His own family didn't even work that way, so I don't know why he thought that would fly with me.
The relief and freedom when we decided to divorce was amazing.
13points
#14
The only red flag was that he aggressively chased me and was too quick to move in together, propose, have a big wedding, etc. Literally the day after the wedding, he decided he finally “got me” and was bored now that the game of chase was over. Within a month, he found a new girl to obsess over.
12points
#15
How his friends’ partners viewed him. Every wife and long term girlfriend among his friends hated him. This wasn’t just in one friend group. Some of these women didn’t know each other and yet all viewed him as a huge jerk.
12points
#16
I saw a friend‘s husband do this, and it was the craziest thing ever. It really showed me that people can hide who they truly are for years before finally showing you their real self.
My husband was roommates with him when he was younger, I even lived with him for a little bit, everyone in our friend group thought he was a nice dude, he really had all of us fooled.
Even to this day, he was not a bad friend to us. He was just so horrible to his wife that we could not justify being friends with somebody like that.
Then he was confused why pretty much everybody stopped talking to him.
Like I don’t know. Maybe it’s being a cheater and toxic POS that makes people not like you.
My husband was roommates with him when he was younger, I even lived with him for a little bit, everyone in our friend group thought he was a nice dude, he really had all of us fooled.
Even to this day, he was not a bad friend to us. He was just so horrible to his wife that we could not justify being friends with somebody like that.
Then he was confused why pretty much everybody stopped talking to him.
Like I don’t know. Maybe it’s being a cheater and toxic POS that makes people not like you.
11points
#17
He was delightfully open minded and cool when we were dating and then about a year after we got married, he started listening to Rush Limbaugh. He came from a conservative Baptist family, so agreeing with Rush was about a half step from his upbringing. I should have thought about the uber religious parents. Today’s our 32nd anniversary. I’ll never be able to get away from this relationship because I can’t earn enough $ to live, and it’s miserable. I say, in general, run fast, run far from any man, especially one from the South!
11points
#18
I told him I wanted to get my engagement ring at the antique store. It wasn't about a certain price point. It was just more about finding something old and unique that would fit with my personal style.
Unfortunately when we went to my local antique store, there was nothing that we really liked. I kept telling him we don't have to get it right away and he insisted. He called four different stores. We drove around for 20 minutes to find a place that was open because it was getting late at night.
Ended up getting a ring from helzberg diamonds. I didn't entirely hate it but it wasn't exactly what I wanted either. Also, after the proposal a few days later and I woke up to an email. He had booked our wedding trip to Vegas without talking to me first.
At the time I took his actions as him being very excited to marry me and excited he was the type of man who gets stuff done. Which was something I was desperately craving considering my previous boyfriend was not exactly a driven go-getter type of guy.
Looking back, however, I realize that it was kind of all about him... He didn't want to propose without a ring. He wanted to book the trip right away.
Our marriage only lasted 2 months.
Unfortunately when we went to my local antique store, there was nothing that we really liked. I kept telling him we don't have to get it right away and he insisted. He called four different stores. We drove around for 20 minutes to find a place that was open because it was getting late at night.
Ended up getting a ring from helzberg diamonds. I didn't entirely hate it but it wasn't exactly what I wanted either. Also, after the proposal a few days later and I woke up to an email. He had booked our wedding trip to Vegas without talking to me first.
At the time I took his actions as him being very excited to marry me and excited he was the type of man who gets stuff done. Which was something I was desperately craving considering my previous boyfriend was not exactly a driven go-getter type of guy.
Looking back, however, I realize that it was kind of all about him... He didn't want to propose without a ring. He wanted to book the trip right away.
Our marriage only lasted 2 months.
10points
#19
I mean- his irritability was within the range of normal. At least while he wore the mask.
It's like turning the temperature up slowly--they get you used to small things and then all of the sudden you've had to lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from him and 911 can't hear you yelling for help because he's pounding the door so hard.
Then you're like "how tf did I get here."
The biggest thing though--all of his exes were to blame rather than him. And also I learned that he had been lying and gossiping about people we knew *to me* to try to get me to distance myself from them.
I hadn't had a toxic relationship with a partner so those things didn't alarm me at the time.
It's like turning the temperature up slowly--they get you used to small things and then all of the sudden you've had to lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from him and 911 can't hear you yelling for help because he's pounding the door so hard.
Then you're like "how tf did I get here."
The biggest thing though--all of his exes were to blame rather than him. And also I learned that he had been lying and gossiping about people we knew *to me* to try to get me to distance myself from them.
I hadn't had a toxic relationship with a partner so those things didn't alarm me at the time.
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10points
#20
He wouldn't share his credit card debt amount with me. He told me that he was worried I wouldn't marry him if I knew and if I loved him, I would wait. I was 26 and naive. He was $50k in debt and I worked three jobs to help him pay it off. He only worked one job, and then played golf on weekends. We ended up divorcing about 5 years after we got married. I don't regret the experience though because it taught me how to work hard and save money and all sorts of other wonderful things that have served me well over the last 3 decades.
8points