Social IssuesOCT 20, 2021

Divorced People Get Honest About What Would Have Saved Their Marriages (30 Posts)

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It's estimated that in the United States, couples marrying for the first time have approximately a fifty percent chance of divorcing. And the pandemic has created a whole new wave of breakups and separated families, as spikes in searches for advice on ending a relationship have soared.

But however rocky the relationship had been, it’s only fair to wonder if anything could have saved it. So when Redditor u/ItzFruity asked divorced people “what could have saved your marriage?” on r/AskReddit, it turned into an eye-opening, honest and somewhat emotional thread of confessions.

People have shared what simple yet (maybe!) marriage-saving things they realized after it was too late and how it helped them build their new relationships. Scroll down through the best of the answers right below.

#1

Divorced People Get Honest About What Would Have Saved Their Marriages (30 Posts)

I was married to the sweetest man. He was just.. always trying to prove himself to the world, always unhappy with his achievements, thinking he was not masculine enough, quite a nervous demeanour.. I can't really explain. He also drank more and more over the years. By the time we turned 40 we decided to divorce. We chose to not have children, so we felt it was fine to just let each other be. We're still friends, although over the past 4 years since the divorce we did grow apart of course. But we see each other regularly still. Then.. a few months ago, he told me he went into therapy. Because as a child he had been sexually abused by a 'friend' of the family.

So there it is. I wonder ever since he told me that if he had confided in me or had gotten therapy earlier, in any way let this 'secret' out, we would've stayed together. It makes me sad, all of it.

exact_estimate20, Kelly Sikkema

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151points

#2

Absolutely nothing. We married young, and 8 years later we were fundamentally different people who would've never talked to each other in the first place, had we met then and there. Some marriages are not meant to last.

[deleted], Zoriana Stakhniv

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117points

#3

I used to travel 150-200 days a year for my international recruitment job. I would be gone to Asia or Latin America for a few weeks and then come back for a week, but I was never really present when I was at home because I was so tired. I never cheated on her when I was on the road (like a lot of my colleagues did), but that really wasn’t enough to keep the marriage going. She developed interests outside of the marriage and it ended.

I think i should have turned down a few of the travel opportunities with my job to balance things out and be more present. But the money was so good, I thought that would ultimately make us happy.

mmaine9339, Sacha Verheij

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107points

To find out what an expert has to say about saving marriages and how we know if it really can be saved, Bored Panda reached out to Jane Parker, a Strategic Intervention Advanced Relationship Coach who coaches clients to have successful, fulfilling and healthy relationships.

“From a coaching perspective, both partners have to be committed to improving the relationship and be willing to change,” Jane said and added that “That doesn't mean that they change who they are, it means changing how they show up in the relationship. If two people are truly willing to take a close look at their part in the relationship, and they love their partner, then I believe the marriage can be saved.”

“If, however, one partner is not willing to make the marriage a priority, it is very difficult for the other to change it on their own.”

#4

Being aware that marriage should be us as a unit, not me vs them. It took me awhile to process the lesson, but I did better the second time around.

Darunia-Sandstorm, Sandy Millar

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97points

#5

Never let contempt or resentment grab hold of either one of you. Whatever it is, fix it ASAP. Be vulnerable, be respectful. Once that contempt sets in, it’s pretty much over.

katydidkat, Sandy Millar

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92points

#6

If he would have:

1. Gone to therapy and done the work

2. Had regular, annual reviews of our finances and been willing to work with me on a financial plan

If his family would have noticed that they were working against me, and our marriage, when they supported his pathetic, man-baby behavior.

They 'get it' now that he's living with them.

newwriter365, Nik Shuliahin

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90points

The relationship coach added that it is vital that they both value their marriage and both want it to work. Jane believes that for many people, it is a priority, but for others, not until it is too late. “Couples can take their marriage for granted, other parts of life take over and then they pay attention only when it is about to end and unfortunately for some that is too late. If more couples put their marriage as their absolute priority from the beginning, we would have a drastically lower divorce rate.”

#7

Been willing to go to therapy and also be as kind to my struggles as I had been to his. And also not allowing his parents interject in our marriage.

boboddythe2nd, Danielle MacInnes

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89points

#8

She really needed to work on her mental health, and refused to do so until I had been checked out of the relationship for about 4-6 months at that point. Had to deal with 3 years of temperamental mood swings, her wanting a divorce every 6 months because I wasn’t making enough money when already working 60 hour weeks, then when I was working 80 hour weeks I wasn’t cleaning the apartment (only time I was home I was asleep, so wasn’t making it messy...) and spending enough time with her (... or spending it with her so I didn’t have time to make a mess or clean). Then she also required me to cook and do the dishes.

Finally I told her the next time she says she wants a divorce I was done because I was literally killing myself to attempt to make her happy. I was so dead inside I was done, and then when she said she wanted a divorce because I was no longer the bubbly guy that made her laugh and smile I just said okay, got up from the couch and went to bed. She was so pissed off over the next two months I only treated her as a roommate she tried lying about how abusive I was. Lost a lot of mutual friends to those lies until they realized she was living with me still instead of trying to get out (they offered her rooms and her parents had a spare room for her that they knew about).

All it would have taken though was her working on her mental health that just kept deteriorating and creating unrealistic expectations. I wish her the best, but I really feel bad for her future partners unless she makes significant changes; she is going to burn them to the ground with those expectations.

Will say within 2 weeks of her moving out my mental health was significantly better. Realized it when I took a lunch break (been WFH due to the virus) and stood up to make lunch I felt light, and this was because all the stress I had prior due to her had been lifted. Don’t stay in a shit relationship if it is literally causing you to feel weighed down by the stress of it.

ETA: Thank you to everyone that has messaged, replied, or upvoted this. All I can ask since this has to do with mental health is please seek help if you need it. If a loved one needs it like my Ex did try to work them towards that, but if they refuse to do not be afraid to walk away. It does not mean you are weak, but instead strong beyond your imagination for walking away from someone you love that refuses to seek the help they need.

For men, do not be afraid to seek mental health help. You are so incredibly brave by doing so. I am proud of you for taking that step.

For women, the exact same thing. So to both genders now that we got that out of the way. Take care of yourselves! You must take take of yourself before you can care for others. I love you all, stay safe, and stay healthy. I’ll try to reply to those messages that keep coming in.

Noteagro, Priscilla Du Preez

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88points

#9

Hiring a house cleaner and having a list of handy men. I was stuck with all the chores and a full time job. It was exhausting and I got crabby. He'd be lying on the sofa smoking weed and there was no way I could convince him to help out. It did not occur to me that there are people you can hire to do all that stuff.

ProTip: If you and your partner have a good income and are both employed, hire people to clean the house, mow the lawn and do handyman stuff.

VapoursAndSpleen, Volha Flaxeco

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79points

According to the relationship coach, “it would be valuable if people studied how to succeed in relationships whilst their relationship was going well and decided together that their marriage was going to be successful, whatever that looks like for them.”

#10

Should have been more aware of the them. I was a selfish prick. Emphasis on the was, as it's been nearly 20 years and I have grown up a lot.

WaterClosetReddit, Drew Coffman

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77points

#11

It didn't need "saving" it needed to be put down, and was. I needed saving and I was . Saving a marriage is not automatically a good thing.

mikedave42, Siora Photography

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74points

#12

Him hitting me and cheating on me less? I should have never married him. I thought I was "behind" other people my age in life, didn't realize then that it's not a race and people hit milestones differently. I learned from my mistakes and made a much better choice the 2nd time around.

stephers831, Alessandro Bellone

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66points

When asked in what cases divorce is a much better option for a family, Jane said that there are “sadly, marriages that suffer from physical, mental, or emotional abuse where it may be the better choice for the family if they were to part.”

She continued: “Marriages where there have been repeated affairs or broken trust also could signal time to leave. If you are consistently being stonewalled or treating each other with contempt or disdain this is also a huge red flag as it can be very harmful long term. Of course, if the children are being affected by an unhappy marriage this would also be a big factor in whether to stay or leave.”

#13

My first husband's friends told him never to compromise or let me have what I wanted, because then he would have "lost" control of the relationship. That...went about as well as you'd expect, if the "first" in husband wasn't a hint.

silversatire, Hutomo Abrianto

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57points

#14

Marriage is not 50/50 its 100/100

mattcruise

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47points

#15

She discovered she was lesbian so I guess my transition to a woman.

UPDATE: I just checked with her and she does not think me as a woman would have checked her boxes.

mrhymer

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46points

Jane added that no marriage is not clear cut, and each one is very different. “I believe that even very unhappy marriages can be saved if there is no abuse and both partners are on board to make it thrive again. Again, this can depend on how far down the road they are and if they can heal from the hurt they have already suffered,” she said and added that the sooner support or help is sought, the better.

#16

A desire to save my marriage, which neither of us had

psuedonymously, Beatriz Pérez Moya

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45points

#17

Me: letting him know what was bothering me before it turned into irreparable resentment.

Him: getting a damn job. I put him through school (3 degrees, 8years) while he didn’t work. Then after he graduated he didn’t get a job for seven more years. He finally started working when we got separated.

We are still friends, but he’s still not responsible for taking care of himself.

Social-director, The Creative Exchange

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45points

#18

When he listened to me the first 467 times I told him I needed more communication or it wouldn't work. Apparently divorce was the only thing that made that particular lightbulb click for him

CherryBomb214, Priscilla Du Preez

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41points

#19

He had a midlife crisis and began to think he was better than anyone else, so the prick got himself a younger model: "You would like her, she reminds me a lot of you..."

sonia72quebec

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40points

#20

It's a bit of an ouroboros honestly. If I had stood up for myself and valued who I was and what I wanted more than the fear that he'd leave me and no one else would ever want me, I would have been a lot happier and more well adjusted. Then again, if I had been happier and more well adjusted, we probably never would have gotten together in the first place, or wouldn't have lasted very long if we had.

z0mbiegrl, Claudia Wolff

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38points

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