American psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., says many men begin engaging with their emotions only after a significant disruption—like a divorce—because it often follows a loss of previously effective coping mechanisms.
"The delay is not due to a lack of emotion but reflects sociocultural norms that discourage emotional expression in men," Travers explains. "From early development, boys are often taught to associate vulnerability with weakness and stoicism with strength."
"In heterosexual relationships, this can lead to reliance on female partners for emotional labor. When a relationship ends, that scaffolding is removed, forcing men to confront complex emotional states independently."
Thus, according to Travers, divorce becomes not only a relational rupture but also a psychological turning point—often the first step toward emotional insight.
For example, a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Research found that many boys learn to avoid showing emotional or physical pain not because they don’t feel it, but because they fear the social cost.
"Vulnerability is mocked, caring is labeled “girly,” and any sign of emotional softness is often derided as 'gay,'" Travers adds.
"Instead, boys often come to associate manliness with stoicism and toughness, essentially because their friendships frequently center on taunting, mocking and physical roughhousing — not because these things feel good, but because they help maintain a shared sense of masculinity. In essence, boys are socialized to suppress emotion as a way of belonging," the psychologist explains.
By the time they reach adulthood and begin intimate relationships, these emotional habits are deeply ingrained. Many of the men accused of not opening up are the way they are because they’ve never been taught how to safely express those feelings.
"As a result, when emotional challenges surface in marriage, they may default to minimizing, deflecting or shutting down — not because they don't care, but because caring out loud was never modeled as strength," Travers says.
"The real work begins in unlearning this emotional stoicism and replacing it with something richer: emotional literacy, self-awareness and the courage to be seen."
A study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy shows that while many men are now beginning to show more emotional vulnerability in therapeutic settings, this doesn’t always translate to shared emotional responsibility in their relationships.
The study suggests that men’s displays of emotion can sometimes reinforce traditional gender dynamics, placing their emotional experiences at the center, while still expecting their partners to do the "interpretive" and "repair" work.
This means that a man who seems emotionally open may still unconsciously rely on his partner to manage the emotional tone of the relationship.
"It's part of a deeper pattern: men expressing feelings without necessarily engaging in the relational labor that sustains emotional intimacy," Travers says.
"So when a relationship ends, what’s often lost is not just the partner, but the emotional scaffolding they provided — the one who tracked the emotional temperature, made sense of the unspoken and held space for repair."
When a divorce shifts routines and changes financial and social structures, it can also trigger a deep internal destabilization. What once served as emotional armor — overworking, staying busy, avoiding hard conversations — no longer shields them in the same way.
In fact, a study published in Qualitative Health Research suggests that in the wake of a divorce, many men begin reaching for emotional resources they've never used before — including self-help books, online forums, trusted friends and professional therapy.