Dear Massage Creeper

Dear Massage Creeper,

Yes, you. You know who you are.

You are the one who texts me asking me weird questions, things that a "real" client wouldn't think to inquire.

You ask me what I wear, what I look like, or do I do, "you know, full body massages". Sometimes, you ask about sensual massage.

Lately, you've been texting. While I'm sure some massage therapists will answer texts from people they don't know, I am not one of them.

I run a business. A legitimate, legal massage therapy business.

When you say, "R U male or female?" I will not give you a massage.

No, I do not make appointments for new clients via text. I tell you that you can go to my online scheduler to make an appointment and give you my website.

Yet still,  you persist.

Do I massage your face with your feet? While I specialize in ashiatsu barefoot massage, I use my feet to apply deep pressure to your body. I suppose I would consider working on your face with my feet if I had no hands, but my hands are still present, and they work really great on your face. So no, I will not massage your face with my "really pretty feet".

Will I work "inside your thigh" up by your groin when you say "I promise to behave," the answer is "no." If you have to say you promise to behave, then clearly someone has had an issue with you before.

Once, I was happily shopping at Whole Foods one evening when you called. As I was examining some lovely organic products, you actually asked, "Would you suck my ---."

One of these days, I'll remember to refer you to a friend of mine. He happens to work for the police station. I'll let you figure out that one, though.

"Is that you in the pictures on your website?" No, I am actually a 400 lb basement troll with uncontrollable halitosis, but that doesn't photograph well.

I do speak sarcasm fluently and I have no patience for your ridiculous trolling. I'm not desperate enough for a client to work on someone who wants to know if I'm pretty or young or whatever. 

If you actually are smart enough how to figure out how to schedule online and make it in for a massage, here are some rules:

☛ You will not touch me.

☛ Don't try to touch me.

☛ You will not inform me that I have pretty feet.

☛ Don't try to kiss my feet or hands or pray over them.

☛ Keep your hands to yourself.

☛ Unless you need a momentary adjustment, keep your hands off your groin.

☛ Don't wiggle about.

☛ Keep your sexist/racist comments to yourself.

☛ No need to tell me how nice I'm looking in my shirt today.

☛ When I tell you to get UNDER the top sheet and show you how to get on the table, do it.

☛ Yes, you are required by law to have draping covering your little bits and parts.

☛ Do not leave anything questionable in my massage room or on my massage table.That goes for bodily fluids and anything weird.

☛ Don't tell me there's extra money in it for me if I give you a happy ending. (Here's my happy ending--you pay me and go away).

 

I'm sure as an "over the road truck driver", you do have a sore back. Will I visit you at your hotel room? Negative. There's plenty of parking at my office which, by the way, is not a massage parlor. (Don't even get me started on that.)

Please take a look at my website, where I list my credentials and my therapeutic massage. I am not a “masseuse” but a licensed massage therapist. Note the lack of "happy ending" services. 

No, I do not work alone. My friend Mark, who just completed his black belt in Karate, shares office space with me. I keep telling him to cool his jets with the MMA, but he loves it. He's super cool--he'd love to meet you.

 

Yes, you need an appointment. No, I don't have same day appointments, but you can schedule online. My next appointment is next week. Or next lifetime.

 

By the way, massage therapists talk to each other. We screenshot your creepy texts and share them in our private Facebook groups. (See this one here? It's from a group with over 9,000 members. )

 

I look forward to meeting you. Not.

 

Sincerely,

a licensed massage therapist who takes her work seriously

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Mary-Claire Fredette has been a massage therapist for almost 20 years and co-owns Center for Barefoot Massage, a continuing education company for massage therapists.

More info: barefootmassagecenter.com