Relationships
Nothing but hate yet I still dance with the Devil
It all started when I admitted to my girlfriend that I cheated on her and was hoping it would push her away. I've always wanted to let go but was afraid to in the beginning from what she knew that were my dark personal secrets. I did tell her everything because I thought I could trust her. Well forgetting that once in the past before admitting my wrongs I remember her saying if I ever cheated that she would make my life living hell and I wouldn't even know it. Well obviously I didn't take it seriously until i noticed all words that came out her mouth but no actions. Then after awhile I couldn't tell at all if she was even friends with me or not and here I am telling her all my weaknesses and my feelings and downfalls just feeding her with knowledge of what gets to me and hurts. Every time we hung out I would have to make an excuse of why I had to leave or go home because she always avoided that she never wanted me to go home and or leave because she was afraid maybe I was going to cheat maybe or was it because she was an addict and wanted to keep me miserable aswell because she was herself? I don't know but she started to the point where she was all words but no actions and I can't tell you the last time I remember when she was ontime or even right about what she had said. I was always confused thinking well maybe it is because of addiction and maybe she was numb or showed feelings a different way but no she ended up actually starting to do everything better then I did. And I mean a lot, she stopped using , atleast infront of me she did and still pretended to try but never ended up going through with it after I had used almost like encouraging me to use and then backing out after I had used and she ate all the time and started becoming more positive and doing those coloring books for stress and etc and aswell as listening to meditation songs and peaceful stuff like that. Started being accountable with her family and spending lots of time with them instead of being mia and a hermit on drugs. She would always seem to bring me down and make me look bad and with me being on probation and past of being in jail basically for running from my problems being high on drugs and on the run with a warrant cause I never wanted to face my issues. Now it's different I've been getting help and have gotten sober couple times but one thing I've never done was let her go and in the beginning when I first went to rehab and got help she told me it would work out with me getting sober and her remaining an addict. If I would of known the things I do now I would of never believed her or listened and saved ourselves the hastle. I am a caring guy and have a good heart as I've been through a lot in life with my mom being murdered at age 5 and grandparents passing, grandma of cancer in 2009 and grandpa who was my best friend passed 2015. So i have had a ruff life growing up but always seemed to get past struggles and build strength keeping my head held high and happy. Now with her I've known her since high school and we were hooking up after I had my first heartbreak from this girl who left me when my family went bankrupt and cheated on me with my best friend. So we were hooking up and she didn't care what I had or how much money my family had she liked me for me. Then again we were only alcoholics then but one night I got a dui in her car and cops went to try and pull me over and I didn't stop, I jumped on her lap on the freeway and tried getting her in the drivers seat because I had just beaten a dui and also had a warrant for my arrest. Ended up just jumping out of the moving vehicle and long story short got caught. 2nd dui with felony evading and landed 6 months in jail to do 4. When I got out we didn't talk and I wasn't allowed over nor did we even like each other much. But 4 or 5 years later we ended up talking again and coming back together and all due to drugs. Then she one day said the safest way to get high was needles and it spiraled downhill from there. That's just a little to get a better look on things. We broke up after 7 years last august 2016 but still have been hanging out and basically i have no idea why because she's been low key ruining me. Sex doesn't mean you love someone and for a girl I'm sure that's easy to do especially when you've known the person and loved him at one point. But knowing all this and knowing I need to stay away from her bcuz nothing good comes with hanging with her except sex I still surround myself around misery and he girl who's going to ruin my life if not bury my own body