So here I am, on my 3rd bad relationship over the course of 3 years. 1 divorce, 1 friends with benefits, 1 lying boyfriend....this is usually the part where everyone tells me that it might be me as to why my relationships keep going sour. I go into relationships with all of my cards on the table. I'm 100% honest about my highs and lows. I do this in hopes that the honesty be reciprocated. I also share a lot of my life on social media. I do this because I hate the idea of hiding. Sometimes I wonder what people think of me based upon the range of my FB posts, but that's a writing for another day. I'm the over analyzer of my crew. Nothing ever is only what it is. So with each bad relationship I flip through the highs and lows and assess the commonalities, below are a few.
Starts off fast...
All of my relationships start quickly and not by my own volition. Once men connect to me they latch on. It's a flurry of lust, intrigue, beauty and wooing. I started asking what I do to woo men. I'm the flashy girl when out, I am my mans trophy. He looks great when I'm standing next to him, guys dap him up and tell him he's got a good one. I'm an ornament, and contrary to popular preference, I love to be his trophy. I'm a dreamer. Men love to dream, we can talk for hours about dreams and where we want to be in life while laughing about our pasts. I'm honest, I disclose things about me that I think he should know before pursuing me any further. It gives him a choice as to what he wants to deal with. Then there's sex. It's submissive and sweet, he'll always feel like he's the man. Now I'm his girlfriend.
Lust fades reality sets in....
Each of my relationships hit this make or break point and in most instances they break. This is where the red flags pop up and the lies set in. I turn into who I am beneath the glamour and rainbows, I call her my "nine to five self" or the "weekday me". I become a mother, a teacher and a life planner. He disconnects because I'm not fun when I'm in these modes. He stays because he likes the domestication. I still show him the same flirtatious lovey dovey me it's just altered for productivity. I turn into a "wife". I cook, get the kids together, clean up (if I have the stamina after working all day) I wash up and then attend to whatever he needs. This is when life sets in and now he's feeling like it's a responsibility that he doesn't want. This is the part where once the house quiets down and we talk about those dreams that we mentioned, I start making plans to achieve them. Now he's half listening. Now he's thinking about his "freedom". Now he's planning his departure. Now he needs "more time with the guys" and of course, because I've seen this before, I let him go. He starts lying about his whereabouts, I start nagging about the ambiguity, he blames me, I blame him I try to compromise, he tries to maintain and we spiral downward from there. I start noticing things that I don't like about him. "He sleeps all morning till noon, men should be up mapping out their day in the morning, did he not learn the early bird theory?", "look at how he sulks to himself when I show him that he's hurting me or I'm upset with him" "I hate how he thinks I can't tell he's lying just because I don't have proof"....
The breakup begins...
This is usually where I stop nagging and just be a great girlfriend. I model balance between work, home life, love and partying. The days are quiet. The nights are passionate. I do what I love in honoring my relationship and loving my kids. I pray for him to grow and for the insight to help him. I stop asking a ton of questions and let him be who he is without my interference. Things are actually pretty good... but then things began to surface on their own. Little remnants of the truth begin to surface until all of it comes out. Then things become explosive. He's justifying himself I'm recounting the experience. He's hiding from the world, I'm posting our business on FB. He's hiding behind his pain threatening to expose me for exposing him. I'm apathetic and ready for exposure. I'm angry, he's angry we hurl insults. I cry in the dark, never in front of him (suicide first, you'll never see me cry). He doesn't cry because men don't cry. He tells me he's free (maybe this is his suicide). I tell him I never meant to contain him. He dips his head and slouches his shoulders supplemented by a desensitized "I don't care" I pull my shoulders back and lift my head only to say that "I do care". He's vindicated. I'm still angry....I miss his presence but not the pain....not the lies.
Reflecting....
At this point I miss his presence so much that I'm tempted to take all of the blame and start over. But then I have this nagging angel on my shoulder telling me that even if you guys started over he's still going to be the liar that he loves to be. If he wanted to be a better man for me he would've done so when the opportunity was presented. Then I pray for a shallow heart, that would make me try to get us back. I retell the whole story to family and friends because I have to keep hearing it to be strong enough to stay gone. I drive my friends crazy with my depressed FB posts. Then take the advice about writing. I write a lot. More than I'm even willing to read and I pray for the healing to begin....what do you do with the pain when you don't pray? I ask the universe for good karma because I tried to be my best self. I ask the universe for true karma for the both of us, let what we put out come back to us tenfold. I move on to the next thing in life. Meet a new man. The cycle begins again.
Dominicca T. Washington
