"I Don't Work Here, Lady": 30 Satisfying Stories Of Customers Reacting To Being Mistaken For Employees, Shared In This Online Group

This happened several years ago. I was the night time charge nurse over the ICU. I’d just finished a 12 hour shift at my hospital that had turned into a 14 hour shift because of a rapid response right before shift change. (Patient responded well). I was exhausted and had to return for a 4th shift in 9 hours. All I wanted were some items to drop in the slow cooker so I’d have something to eat when I got up tonight.
I stopped at a well known big box store that sells groceries, clothes, electronics.. the works.
I’m wearing royal blue scrubs, a name badge with a big RN under it and forgot to take my stethoscope off so it’s hanging around my neck. The employees here... well... don’t.
As I’m walking towards the store I see an elderly couple struggling to load a large box in their SUV parked at the front of the store. And I mean old. 90+ Shaky hands. Teetering around with limited mobility. The kind I see with a med list 3 pages long... no way would his hips take the weight without snapping... and I’ve worked enough tonight.
I approach quickly and address the female half of the couple offering help. It was gladly accepted and I got their TV loaded with very little difficulty. It was more cumbersome than heavy. I’m chatting with the woman who is explaining it’s a gift for their son and her husband hadn’t wanted to wait for help. (I’d wondered why an employee wasn’t helping.). That’s when it happened.
I will be RN. She will be EB for entitled b***h.
EB: hey. Hey!
Startled, We stop our conversation and look over. It’s a lady in her 50s dressed in a cheap looking beige pant suit with a get your manager hairstyle standing about 15 feet away with a hand on her overly broad hip.
EB: IF you are ABOUT done. I need help over here.
She then points to her cart with two boxes of bookshelves.. some assembly required. I realize she thinks I work here.
RN: Oh Sorry. I don’t work...
EB: You are already making me late! Just get it done! ...and DON’T scratch my paint up.
The elderly lady and I exchange looks of disbelief and I try again.
RN: I don’t work he...
EB: Just get it done!
She then steps away from her cart to grab her purse grumbling about “F*****g idiots” and is digging for her keys when the cart rolls further away and one wheel goes off the curb. The entire uneven load causes the cart to topple over. I instinctively jump forward to try to prevent everything from falling...
I was unsuccessful. EB, who has now turned to see her particle board bookshelves spilled out on the cement. Corners of the boxes crushed and one has torn open with a few pieces and packaging now exposed. EB completely loses her s**t and becomes a raging thunderc*nt.
EB: What the f**k! You f*****g moron! Pick them up! God dammit. F*****g... I’m going to have you fired! You owe me new bookshelves! And I’m late!
At this point. I’m done.
RN: Pick them up yourself! I Don’t Work Here!
I then turn to go inside when I feel her grab my sleeve and try to yank me around. I jerk my sleeve out of out of grip and turn to face her now violently red face. She opens her mouth to start screaming again but I put my finger in her face and say...
RN: No! Don’t touch me! Shut the hell up! I do not work here, and even if I did. I’d quit before I help you clean up your s**t!
EB stands there speechless. Mouth opening and closing. Sputtering in shock that I’ve dared raise MY voice at HER.
That’s when the manager and an employee come out. As EB sees the manager and finds her voice.
EB: Are you the manager? This man damaged my bookshelves and is refusing to pay for them.
I just stare in shock. Seriously?! Having realized that a man in bright blue scrubs with a stethoscope and a big RN badge really doesn’t work here. Instead of apologizing, she chooses to double down on the craziness and now accuses me of breaking her stuff.
Before I can voice my denial the elderly gentleman I’d helped earlier steps in and explains the situation to the manager. EB is still voicing complaints but the manager realizes the real situation and apologizes to me and the couple.
I’m still standing by watching angrily as the manager deals with EB and inspects the bookshelves. They are not damaged. He offers her two new boxes but EB is now done with the whole situation. She says no. She’s already to late because of me. Just glares over at me and says to the manager
EB: Just load them. I’m already late enough because of this!
The manager and employee then lift the boxes up and get them wedged into the ladies car.
As I shake my head and go to enter the store I’m stopped by the elderly lady I’d helped earlier.
Lady: Sir. Thank you so much for helping us with the TV. I’m so sorry some people are so rude.
She then reaches for my hand to shake. As she folds both her fragile hands around mine, I can feel something in her palm she’s giving me.
Lady whispering: Don’t look yet. Wait till she leaves.
I slide the package into my scrub pocket and Lady walks away. EB then gets in her car and (without apologizing or thanking anyone) peels out and drives away.
I finally enter the store to grab my food items and when I reach in my pocket I pull out a plastic bag with a bunch of screws and hardware.
I realize immediately that the sweet little old lady took advantage of the commotion to steal the hardware out of EB’s ripped box.
I couldn’t believe it. I had the biggest grin on my face as I did my shopping. And I have a new petty revenge hero to idolize.

I drove a white 1982 Nissan Pulsar. It was ancient but no complaints. (Relevant, I promise).

It's 7am, I'm driving to work one morning and pull up at a crosswalk to allow a dog walker to pass me.

Without warning, my passenger door opens and a gentleman hops in next to me, nods, says a friendly hello and buckles his seatbelt.

He was a sweet faced, white haired senior wearing a sweater and brown pants. Definitely in his 80's.

I stared in shock and stumbled my words, totally bewildered by what was happening. He saw my expression and said "Oh! I'm sorry! The train station, please!"

That's when I saw the taxi rank near the cross walk. Taxis here are white but definitely not hatchbacks, like my car was.

He had a big cheery smile and, still puzzled, I realised that the local train station was two streets away from where I worked. I was heading past there anyway. And he didn't seem like an axe murderer so, why not?

I relaxed a little, shrugged and said "Uh, sure thing."

We drove off together and he peered out the window, smiling.

He said "You taxis are much quicker these days! Ah it's a beautiful day for a train ride, don't you think?"

He looked at me, still with this big smile and said:

"I'm Jerry, lovely to meet you. I'm meeting my friend for breakfast today! I'm so excited. I haven't been on the train in years. All my friends have passed on and I don't really need to go out of town. Well, not until I made a new friend recently. It's funny how life goes isn't it? An old codger like me with a breakfast date! Can you imagine."

"Oh well that sounds lovely, Jerry. Where are you off to?"

He cheerily described the town he was visiting (an hour away by train) and described the store he wanted to visit while he was there.

We chatted the whole way and I was so taken by how upbeat and cheerful he was.

We pulled into the offloading zone outside the train station and he pulled out his wallet. I jumped in, saying "Oh no charge mate, I don't have my meter working yet."

(Telling a lie was better than deflating his happy spirit with an embarrassing situation)

He was chuffed. It was a chilly morning. I walked him to the ticket office, where there was a heated waiting room he could sit in until his train arrived.

He thanked me, smiled and said "It's a beautiful day for a train ride. You take care now."

"Take care, Jerry."

It's been 11 years and I often find myself smiling when I remember him.

SL: "Son, can you help me locate the aluminium foil?"

M: "Sure, it's right up this way."

walks her to aisle 7b

M: "It's pretty high up, let me grab it for you. Do you want the Reynolds, or the store brand?"

SL: "The name brand please."

hands her a 200 foot roll

M: "Do you need help finding anything else? I'm a walking directory of this store."

SL: Hands me her shopping list

I spent about ten minutes filling her cart with heavy/hard to reach items, and then I got back to my shopping with a smile and a "have a great day".

As I'm standing in the checkout, I see the SL arguing with the floor manager (Greg, he goes to my church, we're pretty familiar with each other) over by the express line.

I pay for my groceries, and walk over to be nosy, and maybe help out.

SL is telling Greg that "The big guy with the red beard" helped her, "I didn't get his name" and she wants to see him get a bonus, promotion, or employee of the month, something.

Greg is insistent that no one with that description works there.

I get to the counter, and before I can explain that I don't even work there, Greg pipes up.

G (to SL): "Oh, you mean Mark? Yeah, he's one of our best employees."

G (to me): "Mark, this lady has been over here singing your praises for the past 5 minutes. I didn't even know you were working today."

Me (Lying through my teeth): "Well, Sharon (a cashier I know) called me and said we were slammed, so I came in on my day off."

G: "Well that's some real initiative, how would you like to be Assistant to the Regional Manager (we're both huge Office fans)?"

M: "Oh my God, thank you! Are you sure?"

G: "Well, you've definitely earned it."

SL: "See, this is why I shop here instead of Walmart, even though you guys charge more. You care about your employees, and your employees care about your customers."

So that is how I became assistant to the regional manager at a store I am not even employed by.

A while back I was working in an office that allowed dogs. It was an open floor plan and since customers never came into the office, we kept the dogs food and water bowls right by the front door just because it was the most convenient space and no one else would see them but us who worked there.
Of the six of us who worked in the main office area, I was the only one who didn’t have a dog (no pets policy at the apartment) and always felt horribly left out.
To make matters worse, across the way was a doggie daycare. One day a very frantic woman came in and she had an absolutely massive basset hound with her. Usually the only people who came into the office were associates who had appointments with someone working there, but it was rare they brought their dogs.
She ran up to me and said “Do you work here?” And I said “Yes, how can I help you?” And she said “I wasn’t sure if you took walk ins but I read online I could just drop him off? I tried to call but no answer.” I didn’t know what she was talking about at that point and I said “Come again? Who did you call exactly?” Thinking if I could just saddle her off to whoever she came to see, I wouldn’t have to decipher her problem.
She said “Well it doesn’t matter now. Look, something urgent’s come up and I really need to leave him here. Here’s his food he likes and I’ll be back in a few hours and—“ at this point I wasn’t thinking of the doggie daycare. I thought maybe she was a friend of someone here.
I said “Well alright, can I get your name please?” And she said her name and then asked if I needed her to sign anything and I was so confused at this point I just said “Why would I need you to sign something?” And she left almost immediately.
So I took Otis (the dog) to the back and showed him to my coworkers and no one knew the woman or dog. I was worried she wouldn’t come back, but at the same time, my wish for an office dog had been granted! And Otis was supremely chill. He just loved attention from anywhere he could get it.
At the end of the day the woman, thank God, came back. She said “Thanks, you’re a lifesaver. How was he?” And I said “He was a champ.” And was about to say “But why is he here” when she said “Thats a relief. Most kennels say he gets anxious around other dogs. I heard you operated at a much higher capacity, I was thrilled to see you had so few clients in the room at one time. So, how much do I owe?” And that’s when I realized she thought we were a dog daycare.
Now, I probably should’ve corrected her. But I loved my day with the office dog and I did want to get paid for supervising this strange dog all day. I just threw out the number that sounded fair and appropriate “That’ll be $20.” I said.
She replied “Reaalllly?!” In this very high tone, and I couldn’t tell if I’d overshot or undershot. But she paid me and left. My coworkers were laughing hysterically when they realized what had happened and we thought it would just be a good story for the future.
But the next week she came back! She said we were so much more affordable and less overcrowded than her other place that she was happy to use us. I was glad for the company so just took him. I didn’t think there was any way she couldn’t have at least some idea we weren’t a dog daycare. The whole ordeal was so strange I just figured “don’t question a good thing.” (I was much younger and dumber then.)
Not long after, Otis started getting dropped off two, sometimes even three or four days a week. And he made fast friends with the delivery guys and visitors. One day we took our office Christmas card photo and Otis was over that day, so we included him. In a Santa hat. It was pretty great. But it turns out Otis’ owner was friends with one of our clients who I guess happened to have the card out on her table or was kind enough to display it alongside her other holiday cards.
Because one day Otis’ owner came in holding the card and walked up to me and said “I can’t even believe I’m asking this but... is that my dog in this photo? This isn’t a dog daycare at all. This is just an office, isn’t it.” She said it with a note of surprise, as though she was looking around and putting it all together for the first time (no coincidence that this was the first time she wasn’t in some crazy rush either.) She was like “Then who are all these other dogs?!” And I explained.
I was terrified she was going to demand her money back, or worse, take some sort of legal action against us for misrepresenting ourselves as a dog care business, or complain to corporate.
Instead she basically said “Why didn’t you ever say anything!” And I explained we just really liked having Otis around. She stopped for a minute and seemed to be thinking and said “Is that right?” And I said yes and told the story of how I was the only one in the office without a dog so loved the company.
She seemed a little flummoxed or hesitant, understandably, because the whole thing was so weird. She turned to my coworker and asked if I was telling the whole truth. Coworker backed me up.
So she said, “Well, I wish you’d said something sooner. Could’ve saved me a lot of embarrassment with my friend back there. Alright, I have to get going. See you at 4:00.” And she left Otis! I couldn’t believe it! I said “So he can stay?!” And she replied “Where else could I find someone to watch him one on one all day for $20?” And off she went.
Otis stayed my office dog until his family moved away, luckily right around the same time I took a new job.

I am a 18 yr old male, born completely deaf and mute. Also, I am partially blind in my left eye. I live with my sister(28 F) who had been taking care of me since our parents died. Recently she got married and went on her honeymoon. So I am on my own for a few weeks.

This happened yesterday. Usually, whenever I go out I am accompanied by my sister due to my disability. But now, since she is on her honeymoon, I had to go out alone. There was a new supermarket opened in our area, and I needed some items, so decided to go there and grab them.

My bad for wearing a red colored shirt almost similar to the employees working there. But if you look closely, you could see that it was not the uniform. I was at the electronics section looking for some batteries, when I see an old man struggling to get some DVD's at the top shelf. Since I am tall, I helped him. He thanked me(I can do lip reading) and went on his way.

Then I began looking for the batteries. That's when I felt someone grab my left wrist. I turned around and a women (in her late 40's) slapped me. She was speaking something, but I couldn't follow her lips as she spoke too fast. However, I was able to catch some words like 'you', 'ignore', 'job', etc. So, I signed to her that I am deaf. Apparently, this was a wrong move because she became more irate towards the signs. Again she was yelling something but I couldn't catch anything. So I took my notebook and started writing that I am deaf and mute. Before I could finish, she grabbed my notebook and pen and threw them away. Then she slapped me again and pushed me to the ground.

Luckily, by this time a store employee came to see what the commotion was about? He saw me on the ground and helped me up. Then he asked me what happened? Before I can sign to him, Karen starts to yell at the employee. I don't know that she said as she was not facing me. After she finished, I sign to employee that I cannot hear or speak. Fortunately, he understood and explained this to the lady. But she is still not convinced. She tries to assault me again, but I moved away. Then I wrote and showed the employee to call the cops on her. The employee nodded and called the cops. Karen tried to run away, but the security caught her.

The police arrived in about 10 minutes. They first talked to the employee who explained the situation, about how Karen assaulted me because she mistook me for a store employee. One police officer comes and speaks to me. I understood that he wanted my version of events, so I wrote everything down and showed it to the officer. Then they went to check the CCTV footage. Then came back and asked me if I wanted to press charges. I gladly said yes. Karen was then placed in handcuffs and given a free ride at the back of a police cruiser.

The manager then explained to me that Karen thought I worked there and she became angry that I ignored her. She had been standing on my left side, so obviously I couldn't see her. The store manager then offered me a 50% discount on the products. I texted my sister about the events that happened and she was livid. Oh, did I mention that my sister is a lawyer. She told me that she herself will be handling the case and would see to that Karen would get maximum time. Court date is in around 40 days. I will update about it after court.

I work as a substitute teacher at various local highschools, I am 24 but obviously look younger according to this teacher. AT = angry teacher. Me = self explanatory.

AT: "why aren't you in uniform? And no phones during school!"

I thought he was talking to a student so I ignored him.

AT: "Excuse me, don't ignore me." He said as he snatched my phone out of my hand.

Me: "What the f**k, give that back, I'm not a student." AT: "thats detention for swearing at a teacher, you will get your phone back at the end of the day, now you will come down to the office and tell the principle about how disrespectful you are being."

By this point I thought it would be funnier to let him complain to the principal who I play netball with and watch his reaction. He was raging. Saying I deserved to be suspended and that students always had their phones out yada yada. The principle and I were just trying not to laugh before she told him I was a teacher too.

Me: "now give me my phone back. Don't you have a class to teach? Because I do."

I have never seen anyone go so red.

My niece is from bavaria, i am from baden wuerttemgberg. Her summer vacation started a whole week earlier the ours, and she came for a visit with my brother and her siblings. It was like in the morning and we decided to take doggo for walk and go to the bakery on the other side of the street of a big school complex. I went in, she stayed outside with doggo, Í came back out and she was gone. Let us introduce our protagonists.

PP :principle pissant

Me : take a guess

N : niece.

I decided to call her on the cellphone, and this was the talk.

N : thank god you are calling.....

PP (Screaming in the background) : how dare you take a phonecall while I am talking to you, you are in enough trouble for skipping class....

As I later found out he ripped the phone out of her hand, and must have hung up. I realized what must have happened, and went into the school to clear up this misunderstanding, and go right away to the principles office hoping she would either be there or soon be brought by a teacher.

Outside I already hear him screaming at her

PP : stop giving me a fake name and stop lying, you won´t get out of here until i have the truth, and I promise you this will be mentioned in your school certificate (we have grades for general behaviour here, and teachers can also write a comment in there. It is something employers care about if you look for an apprenticeship for example).

I did not bother knocking and went right in.

PP : who are you and how dare you just come in here without knocking

Me : I am this girls uncle, what the hell do you think you are doing here ? She does not go to your school !!!

PP : Ah I guess you where the one on the phone, nice try, but you will not help her trick her way out of this. I will get to the bottom of this, and I will only release her to her parents. Now get out of my office or I will call the police and have you arrested for trespassing in a school (school are protected places, so you get in way more trouble here for trespassing then usual)

Me : I will stay right here to protect my niece from your crazy ass, and calling the cops sounds like a really good idea, after all you have abducted my niece.

So I did the call and just told the police that my niece got abducted and to come to the principles office asap.

PP : do you really expect me to believe your fake phonecall ? her un till the police is here The he started to shout at my niece again ,who was in tears by now.

ME : STOP F*****G SHOUTING AT MY NIECE, you will not address her till the police is here, or I WILL shut you up.

PP :that is it, i am calling the police now, to have you arrested and finally find out her real name.

So he called the police, only to find out I actually did call the police. Suddenly he was not so sure anymore, and you could tell the cogs in his head where finally start to turn.

About 5 minutes later the police finally arrived, and they asked us separately. Here is roughly what my niece told the cops.

She was waiting outside the bakery, when PP came unto her like ab at from hell. He screamed at her that he is really fed up with people skipping school the last week before vacation starts, and will make an example pout of her. Before she could get a word in edgewise, he grabbed her by the arm really hard (hard enough she got a bad bruise for over a week), and that is what started to get him into real trouble. The cops also took her data, and confirmed she is from Bavaria. They then asked us if we want to press charges and I just said throw the book at him. PP heard the police sayíng press charges and suddenly realized he was in real deep s***, so he came over.

PP : hey this is just a misunderstanding, you have to understand I have to be strict with people skipping school.

Me : if by being strict you mean assaulting a 12 year old´so badly she has a handprint from you on her arm that will create a huge ruise, abducting her from my care, and wrongfully imprison her in your office while screaming at her and scaring the beejezus out of her, then no I DO NOT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT !!!

PP : please you are completely blowing this out of proportion, I could get suspended without pay over this,and even lose my job.

Me : GOOD, anyody who treats a scared 12 year old girl like that should never again get to work with kids.

In the end he really did lose his job, and I am very glad he did. During the investigation it turned out he was a sorry excuse for a teacher, who belittled kids, who always took the teachers side no mater how wrong they where and even had slapped kids on several occasions. He went to court for assault and attempted abducting plus wrongful imprisonment, plus a few more bodily harms against students. He lost job and pension, got 2 years on probation and 500 hours community service with the stipulation it could be nothing that involved kids. He was also forbidden to ever work with kids again.

Quite some time ago, my girlfriend and I moved in together, and had to set up all the things. Cable, internet, phone, etc. We got our home phone number, our 2 cell phones, and we were off to the races. Almost immediately, we start getting calls for an establishment that does custom framing and various other art-related things. Let's call them "Expo for Art." Of course, we had caller ID, and we had friends that would call us, but inevitably if we didn't recognize the number it was someone wanting to find out if their order was complete, or their frame was done, of what their hours were, or any of a thousand other questions.
I'm sure anyone else who had had this happen will recognize this exchange.
"Sorry, that's no longer their number, this is a residence."
"Yes I'm sure"
"No I'm not giving you my address."
"No I don't know their new number."
"Yes I have a phone book, but so do you."
Eventually, after a thousand of these, and changing the message on our answering machine to say "This is not, I repeat not, Expo for Art. If you are trying to reach Expo for Art, please hang up, look up their number, and try that, because we aren't them."
Eventually, I got my gazillionth call, and I asked the person on the other end of the line where they keep getting this number. "Well it's printed on my receipt. I guess I'll just call this other number." Any chance you can give me that one? Thanks.
I call it.
"Hello, Expo for Art."
"You guys are still giving out my home phone number on your receipts."
"Yeah. So?"
"Well, f*****g stop it. It's been at least a year since you haven't had that number. At least cross it out or something."
"That's a pain in the ass, I'm not making my employees do that."
"So you're the manager?"
"I'm the owner."
"So let me see if I have this right. You, what was your name again?"
Let's call him Fred.
"You, Fred have decided that it's too inconvenient to cross my home phone number off of your receipts, so you're just going to keep giving it out?"
"Yup. What are you gonna do? Sue me?"
"Maybe."
"Whatever. I've got shit to do. Bye."
I called a lawyer. Didn't really have a leg to stand on.
I went to the store and asked for Fred. "Fred's not here. He's hardly ever here, really. You want me to call him?"
"No, I'm fine. I know this is going to sound odd, but is there any chance I can see one of your receipts?"
She picks up a receipt book, and shows it to me. Sure enough, it's got my phone number at the top, above another one. I say "I thought so. I couldn't get you at the other number, some guy yelled at me, and I didn't have my old receipt, so I had to come down here."
"We've been having that happen a lot. Ever since Fred decided we didn't need two phone lines. But he had just bought like 20 boxes of these receipt books and business cards, and he's too cheap to buy more until they run out. I'd hate to be that guy."
"Yeah, that's gotta suck."
So I went home, and hatched my evil plan.
Next phone number I didn't recognize: "Hello, Expo for Art."
"Hi, this is Mary Smith, I dropped off a thing last week to be framed. Is it ready?"
"Let me check. Yup. We finished it this morning. I hope you don't mind, but we decided to upgrade the matting because of the weight of the piece. It's the same color, and won't be charging you for it, since it was my decision."
"Oh, thank you. I'll be down to pick it up later today. What time do you close?" I look down at the business card, with my number and the hours clearly marked 11-4. "Take your time, we'll be here until 7."
"Thank you so much, can you tell me how much that was?"
"$19.99 ma'am, plus tax so $21.39"
"Wow that's cheap. Are you sure?"
"Of course. If anyone has a problem, tell them you talked to Fred."
"OK, see you around 6."
"See you then. Thank you for calling Expo for Art."
For weeks I kept giving out completely random information.
How much is a 36"x48" matted frame? Let's say $24.99. Wow that's cheap, how much to have it done custom, how they want it? Custom is an extra $10, so $34.99. Wow that's cheap, I'll be right down, what was your name? Fred. See you in 10 Fred. How much to have the entire front page of the New York Times from 9/11 mounted and framed? $33.99, unless you want our special, proprietary newspaper frame and mat service, only $49.99 and guaranteed for life, only at Expo for Art, tell them Fred sent you. I can only imagine the number of pissed off people who showed up to pick up orders that weren't ready, and when they finally were, were given a price way higher than what Fred had told them over the phone.
Eventually, someone let slip that "they called the number on the receipt, and that's what Fred had told them." Fred was not happy.
"Hello, thank you calling Expo for Art, this is Fred."
"YOU'RE NOT FRED, I'M FRED!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS?!?!?!?!?!‽"
"Why Fred, whatever do you mean?"
"Someone has been giving prices to my customers, and telling them their orders are in when they're not due for weeks."
"Well, Fred, who called them?"
"Nobody called them, they called us."
"Then what's the problem. If someone called you, and got pricing information, that would seem to be your problem."
"They didn't call me, they called you."
"Well, how would that happen?"
"Your number is on my receipts and business cards."
"My my. It seems to me there's a very simple solution here. Take my number off of your receipts and business cards."
"Do you have any idea how much promotional materials cost?"
"Is it MORE than it costs to do these jobs for the prices you're quoting? Is it more than it costs to lose customers, or less than that?"
"This is extortion!!!"
"Call it what you want Fred. The choices, and consequences, are entirely up to you."
A week later "Hello, Expo for Art, this is Fred."
"I'VE ORDERED NEW RECEIPT BOOKS AND CARDS. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THIS BULLSHIT!?!?!?!?!"
"Sure. Bye Fred!"

I work at a hospital as an ER nurse, which means when I start at 7am, by nine in the morning all the f***s I possess are gone and by the end of my 12.5 hour shift I’m pretty much just done with people in general (don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but fighting Darwinism can be exhausting).

So after a rather grueling shift I stopped by the grocery store for dinner. I’m tired, and feeling super lazy at this point so even though I’m only grabbing a couple of things I use a regular cart (coz, you know, I can lean on it). I do my shopping, pay for my goods and head out to my truck. Just to inform, no khakis were involved here. Store employees wear dark brown slacks, white collared shirts and ties. I was wearing an Incredible’s scrub top (yes the animated movie, no you can’t judge me) and bright blue scrub pants.

After loading my groceries I, of course, return my wheeled crutch (ahem, shopping cart) to the corral and return to my truck when a harpy with a RBF that would make Louis from Malcom in the Middle proud screams across the lot.

(M) Me (H) Harpy

H: Boy! I’m done you can take my cart now!

M: Huh?

(I know I look young but, really? Boy?)

H: Come over here and take my cart!

M: yeah I don’t work here, sorry.

H: just do your damn job and take my cart!

M: that’s gonna be a hard no from me, sorry.

I start (again) back towards my truck. Harpy at this point decides to thrust her cart towards me. It rolls (as carts with wheels are wont to do) and to me, it’s like a train wreck. I want to look away but I can’t, I’m mesmerized by the free range movement of this cart as it runs right into a Jaguar... a nice clean one... with dealer plaques still on where the license plates should be... and a woman who totally looked like a Karen (you know the type) just getting out...

The Karen obviously starts screaming and hollering as only a Karen can. Harpy is trying to blame me for not running out to catch the cart. I’m trying very hard not to start laughing. I finally get back to my truck as Harpy is screaming at me to stop because this is my fault coz I should have collected her cart in the first place. The last thing I heard before closing my door and driving off was the Karen screaming at Harpy about how “he’s f*****g wearing scrubs! How could any idiot think he works here?”

I think this was the first time I’ve ever rooted for a Karen.

I, working as door greeter watching out for lost Customers and folks with returns, working in lawn and garden section, I see this autistic young man ,( I guess he is autistic, as he seems predominantly focused on his action and kinda has the actions of an autistic individual.)

This young man is sorting and moving potted flowers around putting them in a very specific order, matching colors, size of pots, and height of the flowers themselves, ( doing an amazing job at it too I may add.)

He is bothering noone and most folks are just noticing him doing a bang up job, But this one old crone of a woman sees him "working" she stands behind this young man arms folded and tapping her foot, (at first I was thinking maybe it was her son or someone she was shopping with, but the next thing she did proved to me I was mistaken.)

She clears her throat in that dreaded fashion we all know, " ahem...excuuuuuuuse me You need to help me."

The young man pays her no mind, continuing with his task, she doesn't like this, she clears her voice and replies louder,. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME, YOU ARE GOING TO HELP ME NOW!!!.

Before I can walk to her and ask her what she needs she reaches out and grabs this young man by the right arm just above his elbow, I guess the sudden action of this and the young man's condition caused him to spin around and jerk his arm away from this lady, and the sudden movement startled the old woman causing her to step backwards and lose her balance causing her to sit down on her butt.

(It was like in slow motion watching her go from standing to sitting on the ground)

By the time I reached the young man to see if he was ok, his mother had shown up and was asking what had happened, before I could say anything the woman who had caused this was up and berating this young man. Saying he attacked her and she will have him fired and arrested, meanwhile this young man was almost crying and his mother was shocked.

I told the mom to take her son and calm him down, that he has done nothing wrong and just make sure he is ok.

Crazy old women didn't like that I took his side, she began to lie and tell me she was the victim and she didn't do anything, that the employee (young man) attacked her.

I told her not so kindly

she was a liar and I had witnessed the whole incident

The young man you forcibly grabbed does not work here and you assaulted him.

By now a crowd has gathered, and the crazy woman has noticed that noone is giving her looks that they believe her side of the story.

She just puts her head down and walks quickly out the store.

When I turn to check on the young man and his mother She was smiling at me and was thanking me for my help, she shops here regularly and the young man likes to arrange the flowers, it's calming to him, I express my regrets about the whole incident, the young man walks over to me and Pats my shoulder once and goes back to the flowers, the mom informed me that was the equivalent of a high five from him.

My kids have the day off from school, so I took the day off from work and we had a Daddy/Daughters day. I took them out to breakfast, and then a trip to the mall.

We started off in one of the department stores, and my daughters decided to start looking there for new outfits. Now I love my daughters, but shopping is absolutely not my thing. So while they're looking for clothes I'm standing over by one of the counters waiting and reading on my phone.

I hear someone make a noise behind me, so I look up and there's a lady standing there with a huge armful of clothes. I figured she was heading to check out so I moved over to the side of the counter. She says "Excuse me", and I figured she's talking to one of the employees. A few seconds later she yells "EXCUSE ME!", and I look up to see what's going on. That's when I realized she was talking to me.

By this time, people are staring at us, including my daughters. This is the rest of the encounter: Me = Me. CL = Crazy Lady.

Me: "Yeah?"

CL: "Don't 'yeah me'. Take these, I don't want any of them." She sticks the clothes out towards me.

Me: "Yeah, I don't work here."

CL: "I don't care what department you work in, take the damn clothes."

Now on any other day, I would've simply told her to piss off and go find someone who works there. But since I was out with my daughters, I decided to handle it a little differently.

Me: "Excuse me?"

CL: She's getting really pissed at this point, and she yells again: "TAKE THE GODDAMN CLOTHES!!" and this time she shoves the clothes into my chest.

Me: I look down a the clothes for a second, and then look at her with a huge smile on my face: "Master has presented Dobby with clothes... Dobby is freeeee!" and I threw the entire pile of clothes back in her face.

She was standing there stunned/shocked, people in the store were cracking up laughing, my oldest daughter was trying to hide because she was "soooo embarrassed" (which is nothing new). I walked over to my girls and asked if they found anything they liked. They hadn't, so we left. As we were walking out I could see CL yelling at a couple of actual employees who looked like they were doing their best not to laugh also.

I never thought I would experience this in my life time. I'm a hard worker, extremely dependable, and respectful. Not sure how I could lose a job like this. Especially when I only just got it.

So I work late and just about every night for the last few weeks at least, I stop by Walmart to get something for dinner. I usually get off around midnight and stop by on my way home. Every time I'm at Walmart, barely anyone is there except for the night crew. Stocking up the store and doing their own thing. Now from what I have noticed, they don't have much of a uniform. Many of them are in hoodies or jackets of different colors. Just to add some context.

I showed up last night and I'm wearing a hoodie. I begin to walk up and down the isles trying to figure out what I want for dinner. I'm thinking pasta and walk past a few guys who are loading the shelves. All of a sudden, I start hearing this guy yelling. This voice gets louder. "HEY! HEYYYY! Are you listening?" I turn to look to see what is going on and this guy approaches me. "You're late again. Don't think I haven't noticed you walking in the door after 12."

I begin to laugh, thinking this guy is joking around. Before I can even say anything he jumps on me. "You think this is funny? Your job must not be important to you. I want you to follow me to the office."

Now I'm completely confused and start looking around like I'm on some hidden camera show. He starts to walk off and I turn around and go back to shopping.

He comes back a minute later and starts to yell. "You want to be fired? Because if you don't come with me now, I will fire you!"

I start to laugh even harder, then ask him, "What's my name?"

He gives me this puzzled look, so I asked him again, "What's my name? Do you even know who I am?"

He looks at the other guys in the isle, who have stopped stocking the shelves at this point to watch this event unfold. He then looks back at me, trying to figure out what exactly to say back to me before his head explodes.

"Good luck filing the paper work to fire me, when you don't even know my name!" I continue to laugh at this whole stupid charade. I pick up some ingredients for spaghetti, trying to give this guy a clue.

He storms off and I look at the other guys in the isle. "I'm sure he will figure out eventually, I don't work here."

They start laughing and I go on. Can't believe I lost the job I just found out I had in the same night.

So I went to Aldi today on my lunch break from work. I was shopping for ingredients to make hard apple cider. I found the only apple juice Aldi sold without preservatives and loaded up my cart with a dozen half gallon bottles and kept them in their cardboard boxes so they would be easier to transport. There were a few other items I needed to pick up so I pushed my cart through the store shopping for them. A woman noticed the boxes of apple juice in my cart and asked where I had found them. I had nothing better to do, so I walked her over to the apple juice display where she thanked me. Another woman immediately came up to me and asked,

"You used to have these candy apples in the store but I can't find them. Where are they?"

I had no idea where they were so I said, "I'm sorry, I don't know - I don't work here."

Her eyes narrowed and she responded, "What do you mean you don't work here? I just saw you help that other person."

Now, I am in a t-shirt and corduroy pants and don't look at all as if I would be working at this store. I could tell that this was not going to go well no matter what I said, but I attempted to be polite, "I'm sorry, ma'am. She asked me where I had found this apple juice so I showed her. I don't actually work here."

"What do you mean you don't work here?!"

"I don't work here. I am a customer, like you."

"Just tell me where the candy apples are!"

At this point it was getting weird. "I really don't know where the candy apples are. I don't work here."

"You don't know where anything is in this store?!"

"I know where the apple juice is."

"WHERE ARE THE CANDY APPLES?!"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry I can't help you. I really don't work here."

"WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"

"It means that I don't work at this store. I don't know where the candy apples are. I am a customer like you."

"THEN WHY ARE YOU STOCKING THE SHELVES?!" She indicated the boxes in my cart filled with apple juice."

"I am shopping I am going to buy what is in my cart..."

"NOBODY NEEDS THAT MUCH JUICE! YOU WORK HERE AND YOU NEED TO TELL ME WHERE THE CANDY APPLES ARE!" At this point everyone around us had stopped and were staring.

An Aldi shelf stocker came over and said, "Ma'am, the candy apples were a seasonal item and I'm afraid we are sold out."

The woman glared at the Aldi employee, and then me and said, indicating me, "WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME THAT?!"

"He doesn't work here, Ma'am."

The woman then roared in exasperation, pushed her cart into an aisle display of canned food, knocking it over and screamed, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!! I AM NEVER COMING BACK!"

She stormed out of the store, fuming. The employee gave me with a WTF look, which I returned, then I proceeded to checkout.

I loaded the juice into the trunk of my car and hopped in the driver seat. I checked my mirrors before backing out and noticed that the candy apple lady was in the SUV to my left, sitting in her driver seat, sobbing.

I rolled down my window and waved to get her attention. She noticed me, waited about 15 seconds, then rolled down her window.

"Are you OK, ma'am?" I asked.

Through sobs and tears she said, "I said I would bring candy apples to my grandson's party."

I asked her when the party was to take place and she told me 'tonight'. I told her that I had seen kits to make candy apples over at Safeway, and that if she made them now they should be ready by the time of the party.

Her eyes lit up and she looked at me, "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I went back to work.

I worked at Target and there was a Hobby Lobby across the street. I ran over to Hobby Lobby after a shift to grab something and I was still wearing my red shirt with the target symbols all over it.

A 20 something girl comes up to and says "Do you know where I can find a glue gun?" I paused and just kind of looked at my shirt and I said "... you mean at this store or... like... at Target?" And she just stared at my name tag for a long time and sighed a heavy sigh and quietly said "sorry, I don't know where I am."

My friend David is skilled in a very niche area of construction. He repairs and renovates buildings using a very old construction method that hasn't been common for several centuries. All his work is on conservation projects and "listed buildings".

Work was required on a Grade 1 listed property.

The overall building work was being done my the main contractor ACC Ltd. One part of the work is VERY specialized.

The contractors managers didn't know anyone who did it so the architect gave them a list of qualified people. The contractors chose my friend because he had the earliest availability.

5 days into the work the owner of ACC Ltd, the main contractor company, arrived on site. He was throwing his weight around and being a "noisy g******" (David's words). David was just doing his job and ignored him.

Noisy g****** told one of his carpenters to get him a coffee. The carpenter disappeared. Noisy g****** continued wandering and "gobbing off" about delays "costing him a fortune".

15 minutes after the carpenter had disappeared the Noisy G****** asked my friend a question.

Noisy G****** : "Where is that f****** chippy with my coffee?" (Chippy=carpenter)

David: "Don't know"

Noisy G******: "Go and find out"

David: "I'm only here for this job (pointing to the walls) I don't work for ACC Ltd"

Noisy G******e: "I don't give f*** whether you're an employee or a subontractor, you still work for me. Now go and find my f****** coffee"

David: "Firstly, I don't appreciate being talked to like that and secondly, my contract with you is to do these walls, nothing more. I'm definitely not a gopher"

Noisy G******: "Oh, you don't appreciate being talked to like that, do you? Which subcontractor do you work for?"

David: "None. I'm self employed. It's just me"

Noisy G****** : "A f****** day labourer? And you've got the nerve to talk to like that? Do you know who I am?"

David: "Yep"

Noisy G****** : "Well you're f***** fired. Get off the f****** site NOW!"

David: "Ok, put it in writing"

Noisy G****** : "F*** off. Just get off the f****** site"

David pulled his phone out and started recording.

David: "Ok, I'll go. I just want proof you told me to go"

Noisy G****** grabbed David's hand holding the phone and screamed into the phone

Noisy G******: "GET OFF THE SITE YOU F****** IDIOT. YOU'RE FIRED. IF YOU'RE STILL HERE IN 10 F****** MINUTES I'LL HAVE YOU F****** THROWN OUT"

David: "Cool, no problem"

He picked up all his kit and walked away. As he was leaving the contractors site manager passed him (ironically with a coffee for the boss) and with a smile said.

Site Manager: "You leaving early Dave? Bloody part-timers(joking)"

David: "No, your boss just fired me. Our contract is ended. Sorry mate"

Site Manager: "Noooo. Noo, no. Let me sort this out. Wait, please. Please,wait."

David left.

The Site Manager was losing his s*** because he knew something that Noisy G******** didn't. Only 7 people in the UK are qualified to do the work. They all have a waiting list and David had been the only one available.

By the time he was home he had 12 missed calls.

That was Thursday. 2 working days missed so far. He said he'll go back but only if he gets paid for the extra days and has a genuine apology in person from the boss.

I met my friend when he was getting a call from the Site Manager saying the boss apologises but is "out of the country" so can't apologise f2f.

David also told me he phoned the other specialists to warn them but they'd all been phoned on Friday begging them to do the job. Nobody took the work. They're all booked solid.

David also phoned the architect to warn him. Situations like this some unscrupulous contractors try to bodge the job and fake the work.

David is going to stick to his guns. Pay for all missed days plus f2f apology. He is sure he'll get it. I've said I'll pay anything to watch the f2f apology

My mom and I were in the front yard planting flowers and deweeding, chatting family stuff in our own language while enjoying the nice weather outside. We were in full gardening gear complete with straw hats and rain boots with face masks on. A white truck with a trailer drove up and a mid-aged man jumped out.

Guy - (waving me down) Hey! Where is the owner of the house?

Me - (pulling down my mask) Oh, you must be the duct-cleaning service, please come in with me.

Guy - (annoyed) No, I need to speak with the landlord.

Me - (chuckles) I am the landlord. Do you need to come in the house for the esti-

Guy - (cuts me off) No, I need to speak to the person who made the call!

Me - (pulling out my phone) Ok, hold on. (dialing the company number)

Guy - (pulling out his phone) See? The landlord is calling me.

Me - Hi, I'm english name. I'm standing right in front of you. I don't think I will be needing your services today. Goodbye.

The guy stood there dumbstruck for a moment, then sulkily walk back to his truck and left.

My mom looked at me confused and ask in Chinese "what was that?". I shrugged and answered "looks like we need to call another duct-cleaning company".

My buddy was taking me out to a fancy French restaurant as a treat and I was pretty gussied up. I really enjoy getting dolled up and wearing a beautiful dress to enjoy a wonderful meal. However, the city in which I live (Portland, Oregon) has a reputation for diners dressing down, even in fine dining restaurants. It’s a running joke among locals. You’ll go into a restaurant where a couple will easily drop a couple hundo on one meal and over half the room are wearing hiking clothes or yoga pants. I only mention this because the staff tends to be better dressed than the clientele. I was wearing all black with my hair in an elaborate up-do and chandelier earrings. I think the all black is what started everything.

This particular restaurant has a well-known (and frankly down-right foxy) chef who typically works at a station expoing and plating where everybody can see him. It’s also near the door to the only washroom and the server station. It’s a huge restaurant and with only the one washroom, there was a bit of a line. I waited and waited and at one point I think the chef and I exchanged a few pleasantries. When I was next in line a middle-aged man in a Portland-issue plaid button up and jeans got in line behind me. He had cranky energy and was shifting from foot-to-foot. It didn’t seem like he had to go badly, just that he was impatient. I had been waiting much, much longer than him and found his constant sighing and scoffing irritating.

When it was my turn I reached for the door only to have this awful man push in front of me and nearly knock me over shoving himself into the open door. I was so taken aback I just sort of froze and said, “excuse me I was next.” Which is when he wheeled around started YELLING about how he wasn’t about to wait while, “some waitress changed her tampon.” And then yelled at the chef that he should have a staff bathroom, because it’s “disgusting” that the staff use the same bathroom as guests and implied he might not pay for his meal because of it.

I stood there in absolute shock (and a full bladder) while this man took care of his business. Clearly taking his sweet time out of spite. Maybe. Something about his personality made me think he hadn’t taken a normal s*** in years. The chef apologized to me and a waiter who had been at the server station commiserated.

I decided f**k it. I DON’T work here, but even if I did there is no reason to be treated like I’m not a human. Seriously, dude. You’re wearing muddy Teva sandals and suddenly acting like we’re in f*****g Downton Abbey.

When he came out I used my entire body to block his path out of the bathroom and gave him a stern, but quiet lecture about how a) I actually wasn’t an employee and b) there is nothing wrong with sharing the bathroom with the staff and told him that he had ruined what should have been a special night out.

Again, this all happened in full view of the entire kitchen staff and several members of the wait staff. I hadn’t realized it at time, but this jerk was actually seated directly next to my friend on the banquet. His female dining companion was sitting next to me. I had been gone easily twenty minutes and my friend was confused and annoyed. I figured at that point I had nothing to lose, so I loudly explained what happened while gesturing to the awful man and making pointed eye contact with the woman. The man looked furious and the woman just silently glared at him.

After a few minutes the waiter wordlessly dropped their check. They were mid-meal and hadn’t been offered dessert. It was clearly a very pointed, but polite, “f**k you, get out” from the staff after his rant. They paid without incident and as they got up to leave he tried to put his hand on her shoulder only to have her jerk away and say, “don’t touch me.” TFW you realize your partner is a complete jackass who got you thrown out of a restaurant for screaming about tampons.

We got a cheese plate and glasses of sparkling rose as a gift from the restaurant. Cheers

Yesterday at about 2:30 I was shopping at my local smiley face box store. As I usually do I stop and check their app to figure out what aisle stuff is on since they did a reset a few months ago, and I haven’t yet become accustomed to the layout.

While standing in the aisle searching the app, I hear a very loud throat clearing sound. It was at that point I knew I had my opportunity to try a new tactic. We all saw how verbally obscene I have been in the past. This time I was going to play nice.

This lady didn’t look like the stereotype Karen, she had red highlights and curly hair. Let’s call her K. And to be open I’m wearing a green shirt with a Minecraft creeper on it.

K: ahem! Excuse me! Hey! (No there were no pauses)

Her hand was on her hip, and her head was tilted in that I’m about to go off on you way that Karen’s get before threatening a manager.

M: Yes?

K: I’ve been waiting over here for 10 minutes.

I cut her off mid sentence. I felt a bit cheeky.

Me: Oh my goodness. I’m sorry you had to wait. Why didn’t you get my attention sooner. Since your here now, can you check the back for this homedic foot spa? The app said you have one In stock, but the slot is empty.

K: I.. uh.. you’re supposed to be helping me.

Me: I am? Well I guess I can go back with you to check. I’m not exactly sure how that would work, but I’m game.

K: excuse me? Your the one who works here.

Me: Pretty sure I don’t. However, judging by your blue shirt, your the employee I requested 15 minutes ago. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait that long for a employee? Then have them lie and say they don’t work here?

K: I don’t work here dumba**. What are you even talking about?

Me: Well then why would you come up to a customer who is obviously waiting on somebody and then tell them you had been waiting for their attention for 10 minutes?

K: I didn’t.

Me: Yes, you did. Now don’t lie to me twice. Do we need to get your manager up here?

At this point she lets out the loudest “hmmph” type of sound and walks out mouthing something under her breath.

I continued my shopping and ultimately checked out. Probably the most fun I’ve ever had diffusing a situation without the use of profanity, and without an actual employee getting involved.

So I work as an armed guard for armed truck service. For those of you who don’t know, we are responsible for picking up money and checks from other businesses. (I.e. banks,store, restaurants, etc.) As part of my job is handling large amounts of cash I carry a side arm or handgun for those not into guns in order to protect myself and the money. Where I live you have to have what’s called a concealed carry permit to have such firearm outside of work hours, Which I have.

So I am on my way home and have to stop at the store to pickup dinner for myself. The store I go to has employees that wear a blue polo and tan pants. My uniform is black pants and red polo with company name on it. And as I had just got off work I still have my name badge on and side arm in its holster on my hip.

Cue crazy lady. I’m browsing the freezer aisle and she stops me and starts to ask where product z is. She stops dead in her tracks as she sees my gun in it holster. Stops talking and fast walks out of the aisle. I just assume she realized I don’t work there and left to find someone who does.

I go about my business and proceed up to the cashier line. As I’m waiting to get up to check out in comes a swarm of about 8 police officers. They come straight to me with crazy lady behind shouting “that’s him, that’s the guy with the gun.” They point there guns at me and order my hands up. I drop what I have and comply. I state that I work for company z and that I have a permit for my weapon.

They lower and holster their guns after the commotion and apologizes for the confusion but said they got a call about a guy walking around the store waving a gun around. I say I’m sorry but since I have been here my gun has been holstered. Never left the holster.

They turn to the lady and ask if it’s true that I never took my gun out of the holster. She yells that I’m lying and that I can’t have a gun in the store anyway. They of course go and check the security footage and see that I did nothing wrong and let me go on about my business and apologize again for the misunderstanding.

They then turn around and handcuff the lady who called and told her she is being arrested for misusing the 911 system and inciting panic. Not sure this entirely belongs here and I am open to comments.

For clarity I am white male but look Hispanic due to the dark skin tone I have year round.

I do stand up comedy sometimes.

I was performing at a bar/restaurant deal and was sitting in the back taking care of some emails waiting for my set time.

I went to the bar to get a drink, had a chat with the bartender for a few minutes, then got the signal I had 5 minutes til show, so went back.

When I got to the back room I realized I’d left my phone on the bar so ran out again to collect it.

Enter Karen (not her real name, of course). At a table just left of dead center facing the stage. Right by the back entrance I’d been popping in and out of all night. In a big group of six or seven people but even in my brief forays out, I could hear her shrill voice dominating their conversation.

I guess here is as good a place as any to mention I was wearing a yellow sweatshirt and cargo shorts, the servers there wear all black.

Karen: Sir, Sir, excuse me, sir!

Me: What’s up?

Karen: Can you check on our food please? All we ordered were some wings and it’s been like half an hour already.

Me: Your server can help you with that, I’m not a waiter.

Karen: What? Oh, dish boy, line cook, whatever. You work here, so just when you go back there ask about my food.

Me: Oh, no, you see I’m—

Karen: No I get it. You aren’t a waiter. But do you work here?

Me: Kind of. Let me explain.

Someone in her party: I don’t think he’s a waiter—

Karen: Shut it, ok, I’ve got this. You work here. You can bring me my food. Just a quick lil... you know... trot trot trot, carry carry... boom. Done.

Me: I can’t do that.

Karen: Ungodly shriek/grunt/shrunt Whyyyy nootttt?

Others in her party: Karen, oh my gosh, quiet down.

They tried to wave me away. I was weighing in my mind whether walking away had the higher chance of getting me fired from future gigs there or staying and getting into with her did.

I was just going down the “stay and get into it with her track” when the emcee gets up there and goes “Now a special treat for our patrons tonight, local comedian....”

So I just stop myself, lock eyes with Karen, walk backwards to the stage, unflinching.

I grab the microphone, her table is cracking up realizing what’s happened. And I say

“Well I’d hoped to do a show for you tonight folks but looks like that won’t be possible, apparently I’ve been reassigned.”

I start riffing about people who think you work there when you don’t and accuse you of lying and how absurd a concept that is.

But then it’s too perfect. The waitress is coming out with wings and headed straight for her table. I know the waitress, I’ve performed here before.

So I transition and I’m just like “You caught me lady. Can’t hide anymore.” And I grab the wings from the waitress and I’m like “Ooooh, Donna, I see you trying to hone in on my section, can’t you see this is my table?”

And all throughout the rest of the bit I would go over and fill their water glasses, bus their plates. Whenever I hit a dry spot I was like “Alright hold on, got to check in with my customers. Can I interest you in any dessert? How we doing over here? Speak into the mic please.”

Karen hated it, but the others at her table were dying laughing and would even sometimes flag me down for water or appetizers.

The set ends and Karen goes to file a complaint, her friends or coworkers whoever, try to stop her from doing so and some leave the venue because of her.

A couple stay back to try and defend me and I told them not to worry because the manager and I were cool.

But they got to see for themselves. The manager is an old school Armenian guy and he has no tolerance for this bulls***. This particular venue was a biker bar before the area got gentrified, so he’s used to dealing with way rowdier customers than Karen.

So she’s going off about mistreatment at the hands of his employee and how I’m probably not licensed to be a food server (lol) and that she wanted something done.

The manager plays dumb just to see her get worked up and goes “Who? This guy?” Even though the entire floor saw me give her a hard time. shrunting “YYYEESSSSSSSSSSS”
Manager: He doesn’t work for me.
Karen: What the f**k are you talking about?
Manager: It’s 11:30PM. He worked for me from 10:00pm until 11:00pm. That’s what I paid him for as a freelancer. That’s over. Now he’s just some guy.
Karen: Well when he was working for you he was rude and abstinent!
Me: What? On stage? Of course I was abstinent, it’s not that kind of show.
Karen (shrunting): YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. See? He’s making fun of how I talk!
Manager: He’s a comedian, that’s what I paid for.
Karen: I was a customer treated poorly in your establishment! He was acting as a server here when he served me and I want a refund on my meal or at the very least (turning dramatically to me, Gollum voice) an apology.
Me: Alright, I might have been a little rude towards the end there, but in my defense, she didn’t tip.
Manager: Is that true? Did you not tip?
Karen: Why would I have tipped the comedian?!
Manager: I thought you said he was acting as a server?
Karen was a little tipsy at this point so somehow drunk logic convinced her smashing a glass would get her point across. All it did was get the manager to have her bounced.
Her remaining friends apologized to the manager and said they barely knew her and they hoped this wouldn’t mean they couldn’t come in there anymore (without her) and he was super nice about it.
I told them I hoped I hadn’t put a damper on their night and they said they can’t wait to tell everyone else about Karen’s outburst.
So, I don’t have a career as a waiter in my future. Kudos to all you service workers who put up with these insufferable people day in and out.