“But It’s Every Day”: 59 Micro-Aggressions That Are So Micro People Feel They Can’t Call Them Out

When my aunt didn't invite me to my grandparents' birthday and only invited her son because her son has kids "and the grandparents love seeing the little children."

I'm infertile. I've been trying to have kids for years plus now I'm excluded from family events because of it?

There's a certain way someone asks how my cats are, difficult to describe. But I immediately understand that this person thinks a man owning not just one but multiple cats is ridiculous.

Edit: I have been shamed! Please accept my apologies with the cat tax.

Using your name a bit too much as they speak to you.

When someone is perfectly warm and chatty with everyone else, then suddenly gets weirdly flat, formal, or distant with you specifically.

If you call it out, it sounds petty because nothing huge happened. But you can absolutely feel the difference when someone is giving you the human equivalent of “corporate email tone” in a casual room.

I was comforting my friend when she was talking about her insecurities, by saying that all of us had insecurities, myself included. She responded by saying "Your nose, right?". Guess who couldn't forget that comment even years later?

In 2020 I was calling a coworker a lot at a new job. When we finally met in person, she saw me and stopped in her tracks before saying, “you didn’t sound like you used a cane over the phone.” Am I supposed to announce that before my salutation? I was working at a regional center for individuals with developmental disabilities at the time. These people worked with the disabled and I have never faced more stupid comments about my disability in my life.

My last boss would cheerfully greet everyone in our department but me. I was the only one who noticed and if I had brought it up I would have looked nuts. The only time she ever talked to me was to correct something she thought I did wrong or if she wanted me to do something. Best day at this job was watching her "Accept another position." I am so glad she is at some other university inflicting herself on someone else. 

Edit: Seems like this is a pretty big problem for a lot of people! I hope you all find a place that appreciates you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. .

As a disabled person, when people tell me I'm lucky that I get to rest all day (when I don't have a choice in the matter) .

One of my coworkers, anytime he sees me heading for the coffee machine, *rushes* to start using it before I can so I have to wait several minutes before I can use it

it sounds like I'm reading too far into it, and that we both just wanted coffee, but it's *every day* and he always has a snide comment to go with it ("gotta be quicker than that" was the most recent one).

I saw in a personal finance sub someone post about buying a house post divorce and a majority of the comments were about grieving the marriage and waiting. This person is a woman and makes good money, shared their income and can afford it.

I’ve never seen a man post about divorce and a majority of the comments are about getting therapy, and taking a cooling off period or about feelings. The replies are typically about the financial advice they asked about.

I will sign off an email with "Regards," instead of "Best regards," if I am annoyed.

Contrarianism to only your ideas or attaching an addendum to everything you say.

When I was around 13, my brother and I were getting a haircut, our hairdresser said that my brother would do well with girls because he was good looking and I would do well because I am funny. She was spot on but I still think about it

People often leave open train seats next to me on packed trains. I'm a minority in the country I live.
It happens enough that I know it's purposeful, especially the times a seat somewhere else will open and the person beside me scrambled to get the new seat, despite it also being next to someone and not a better seat, but if I told anyone that saw it happen once or twice it's easy to pass off as "they don't want to sit, it has nothing to do with you".

I went to a Krispy Kreme with a coupon and ended up with a dozen of cheap fresh donuts. I ran into my neighbor while walking in to the hallway. I asked her if she wanted one. She said "no thanks,  gotta stay thin for my job" and then stared me up and down before walking out the exit to the parking lot. You'd think I weighed 500 pounds with that glance. (I'm also a woman and weigh roughly 150. She appears to be around 120. It felt to be a bit of a slight on my weight but whatever, I'd rather enjoy a donut than think stressfully about every treat I want to indulge in. Some of those donuts went stale, dammit, I was just trying to avoid food waste.) .

"I wish I could stay home all day and knit," said by my husband's friend's wife, eighteen years ago. I've never forgotten it, and I dreaded talking to her at my husband's funeral a few months ago, because of it. I wasn't just sitting around, I was raising my daughter, running household errands, cleaning, and cooking meals. Knitting was how I stayed calm and relaxed.

For about a 10 year stretch, it seemed like everyone I met would ask me how many children I have, and then when I told them I didn't have any, they would get this sad look on their face, and then they would get really awkward as if they had made me admit some great shame and now they are embarrassed about it. It was so weird.

I didn't really care that people made the assumption, but that combined with their reaction was so uncomfortable and got old really fast.

What's really weird is at some point people just stopped assuming that, and now people don't even ask me if I have children. I think societal standards about appropriate questions of strangers have really changed.

I'm not sure if this fits. Long ago, a girl in one of my high school classes turned to me and said:

"You look like that blond girl on 90210."

I was shocked she said that, as I have always been average looking. I'm sure I started smiling & thanked her for the compliment. It really made my day for a fraction of a second.

Then she said, "Oh. Not the pretty one."

I wanted to sink through the floor.

Too many compliments. I face it a lot as an Autistic person. A few compliments are fine, but sometimes someone gives enough compliments that it's like, okay you're laying it on too thick now, you're acting like I'm a child or someone who constantly needs their ego boosted. I don't. These are usually the same people who get mad at me when I'm struggling.

My partner’s mother loves to ask me how old my cats are, followed up by “how long do cats usually live?.” or she’ll comment that one of them is looking a lot older.

She plays it off like she’s just innocently asking about my cats. When my partner confronts her, she victimizes herself. “What? I didn’t mean it like that at all, oh you must think I’m so awful.”

Needless to say, I avoid all unnecessary interactions with her.