Couple Therapists Share The Most Common 'Red Flags' They Spot That Might Indicate The Relationship Is Problematic (30 Pics)

Active physical abuse and each person admitting it and trying to be OK with it.

Invalidation. This comes in many forms, from gaslighting to just simple denial of another's opinion. Most of the time, one or both parties are simply trying to be heard on an emotional level with an event or topic that was brought up, but the other party takes this as a personal attack on their ideals.
We've all heard of or know people who will literally disagree with anything you say simply because you said it. That's the invalidation I'm referring to.

Attack the problem, not each other. People rarely have the exact same stance in a conflict, but they usually (in healthy relationships) have very similar core values. While two parents may disagree on how to parent a child (authoritarian vs authoritative for example), the core value of caring about their children and wanting them to succeed is often the same. By determining they are within the same realm of issue, two parents with different ideals can see themselves as allies in a conflict rather than enemies.

One of the big red flags I look for, is metaconversation. Example to use for sake of discussion : partner 1 is mad that partner 2 doesn't help out at home more.

There are always two levels of communication, one is the direct message intended (please clean up the dishes) and the second is communication about the communication (I expect you to do what I ask). When communication about the communication turns meta the message gets muddled and a power struggle erupts from misunderstandings. Tone, body language, and the way one responds to the request... All become the focal point.

If the arguments don't fall into meta arguments, then thats a sign the couple has a strong foundation, and the work is usually about exploring expectations of the relationship or readjusting roles. If they fall into meta arguments, it's a sign the couple needs to build up their foundation which will likely lead to them able to adjust the roles themselves once that happens.

Two different approaches, same base issue at hand.

Name calling in session and when I intervene they both get mad at me.

"High-conflict relationships." If frequent and bitter conflict began a few months (or less) after the relationship began, and continued, relationship therapy is going to be a sh*tshow, won't be helpful. Either the conflict will continue indefinitely, or come to an end. Not just my opinion. The research supports this.

An affair that won't end. I've never seen a relationship bounce back where a partner is still in contact with their gf/bf (I don't mean an ex gf/bf, I mean the person x is having the affair with), or is lying about it.

Am a therapist, newer to couples counseling, but one of the flags I've seen is one person digging their heels in and not accepting any feedback or suggestions, then that person tells me and partner that they are "trying." I called him out on it, said that he needed to evaluate what he's willing to do and NOT do. Needless to say didn't hear back from them.

Another weird one is separating without a plan. All that's gonna do is teach you how to live without each other IMO. I would ask them "ok, how do you know when the separation works?" "I dunno, when I start missing them I guess" is what I typically hear.

Saying, directly to each other, “I don’t love you. I am just here to try and like you enough to stay together”. And the other person replaying with “good. We can do that”.

What-aboutism. Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for their contribution to the degradation of the relationship one or both parties simply point out an example of the other exhibiting a similar behavior.

It's a red flag because it illustrates their lack of self awareness and poor communication skills. Communication is key when trying to mend a tattered relationship because without respectful communication the conflict-recovery process can never begin.

In the conflict-recovery model both parties agree to the terms under which they will communicate (no yelling, no interrupting, no I told you so's... Etc). Each party gets a chance to share how the others actions make them feel. Then they each propose their solutions and identify where they made assumptions or where they got triggered and why. Then they identify where they're willing to compromise.

Next we create an actionable plan with deadlines and we monitor the progress to see if the proposed solutions were effective.

IMO everything can go to sh*t, but once communication stagnates you're in real trouble. So even if youre arguing you're still doing ok, you just need to work on how you're communicating

It's very easy to work out when one person knowingly prioritises their own wants and needs over their partners. Relationships like this are often doomed because the person simply doesn't care enough to make any meaningful change.