Criminologists have long known that intelligence is a trait rarely found in criminals. This is good news for law enforcement, as lower levels of intellect mean they often leave their trails uncovered, making them easier to catch. Sometimes they even fall straight into police officers’ hands—that’s how idiotic some criminals can be.
We know this can be hard to believe, with the media glamorizing offenders and their almost-perfect crimes, so we compiled a list of stories from police officers about the slowest criminals they’ve encountered to prove our point. Scroll down to find them below, and don’t forget to upvote those offenders who would really benefit from a career change.
#41
Former US Border Patrol Agent here, so this is a story from another agent I know up on the northern border.
Local cops drop him off at the Border Patrol station because he was a Canadian citizen and was supplying alcohol to a minor. My buddy runs him and finds that he is a convicted child molester and had skipped out on his parole to another province. In Canada you can get our of your parole just by going to another province because they won't extradite you back to the province where you skipped out on parole. So my buddy thinks about it for a minute and decides to have him deported through the POE (port of entry) that will put him back into the province where he skipped out on parole. So the shitbag starts asking after a day why he hasn't been deported yet and it was explained to him that he was going on the next conair flight to Buffalo,NY so he can be deported and go straight back to prison for his parole violation. Needless to say he wasn't to thrilled when the US Marshals came to pick him up and he realized he was really going back to prison.
Local cops drop him off at the Border Patrol station because he was a Canadian citizen and was supplying alcohol to a minor. My buddy runs him and finds that he is a convicted child molester and had skipped out on his parole to another province. In Canada you can get our of your parole just by going to another province because they won't extradite you back to the province where you skipped out on parole. So my buddy thinks about it for a minute and decides to have him deported through the POE (port of entry) that will put him back into the province where he skipped out on parole. So the shitbag starts asking after a day why he hasn't been deported yet and it was explained to him that he was going on the next conair flight to Buffalo,NY so he can be deported and go straight back to prison for his parole violation. Needless to say he wasn't to thrilled when the US Marshals came to pick him up and he realized he was really going back to prison.
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16points
#42
So this guy was arrested a couple days ago for driving a stolen vehicle. Vehicle gets impounded, guy gets thrown in jail.
Upon release he decides to call the sheriffs department to ask where the stolen car is because he left his backpack in it in the course of stealing it.
Says it’s his property and I’m stealing it from him....
Upon release he decides to call the sheriffs department to ask where the stolen car is because he left his backpack in it in the course of stealing it.
Says it’s his property and I’m stealing it from him....
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14points
#43
C/O here. We had a inmate who got really high and drunk before breaking into a house. He stumbled over a couch and it flipped onto his legs and he passed out. The couch cut off circulation to his legs and the owners came home to a passed out man in their house. He lost his legs and his prison nickname was “legs”.
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11points
#44
Not a cop but I went on a ride along with one and boy did we hit the jackpot.
We show up to a Wal-Mart at around 11pm at night for a group of kids loitering. After telling them all to leave, we start to drive around the back to check if anything was going on back there. As we go back, one of the cars from the group that was loitering, got in front of us, (keep in mind this is all happening at less than 20mph) passenger opens the door and dumps all his trash out on the ground.
Yes, he got pulled over instantly and got a ticket.
We show up to a Wal-Mart at around 11pm at night for a group of kids loitering. After telling them all to leave, we start to drive around the back to check if anything was going on back there. As we go back, one of the cars from the group that was loitering, got in front of us, (keep in mind this is all happening at less than 20mph) passenger opens the door and dumps all his trash out on the ground.
Yes, he got pulled over instantly and got a ticket.
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10points
#45
She wasn't a criminal or really that dumb, but I was stopped while getting lunch by a woman in distress. "Oh thank goodness you're here officer, I need help!" I'm not a street cop on this day, rather I'm working for a mega-industrial utilities facility. I notice she's parked in a fire lane but it's not my jurisdiction, so I figure I'll help where I can and get some preliminary facts for the proper agency in case she's in real trouble. "Okay, what's going on?"
She starts saying that she believes Qualcomm is channeling their communications network through her Kia. I look over at her car and notice two cats inside, crawling over the typical hoarder garbage strewn about. She's mid-40s if not older, yet she's dressed like a teenager walking out of a Van Halen music video. A hot pink tight tee, 80s plume hair, heels and white pants, but it's before labor day so I think nothing of it. "Why do you think Qualcomm is channeling their communications network through your Kia?" "Well, there's a new tower they built behind my house. Ever since then I've had problems with my cell phone, my radio reception, and my hair's been standing on end." She shows me her arm and sure enough every hair is standing at full attention. "Where's your house?" She dodges the question. "I can't get any sleep, I think I'm hearing voices when I'm alone, and I think they're trying to take over my car!"
"Okay, ma'am. I understand your concerns, but I'm going to tell you why that's impossible, so hear me out. First, your car doesn't have nearly enough power to run a transmitter like those on that tower. Even if it did, it doesn't have the equipment or computational power to repeat a signal, let alone process one." I start going over frequencies and communications bands, and how none of the equipment in her car can talk to those towers beyond pinging for GPS coordinates. The stereo system doesn't even have a transmitter, bluetooth is super short range, yadda yadda.
Her eyes glazed over. I told her to maybe look into getting a wide-band frequency scanner so she can see what's being transmitted and received by her car. "Well where can I find one?" "I'm not sure, maybe try to find a HAM-radio operator forum?" "Okay, where's that? Do you have an address?" "No, it's... they're hobbyists, you'll have to search the internet for a message board." "Okay, what's the website?" Jeez.
Long story longer, I made my retreat and called the locals for a possible mental break as I lamented about my cold food.
**Edit:** a good one I heard today from another LEO was a guy he arrested on a separate charge that had weed on him. The trooper missed it in the initial pat-down, and once the suspect was in the back of the car he ate it, right in front of the camera. "Bro, you just turned your minor misdemeanor into a 3rd degree felony." "Aw, nuh-uhh. Dude I can still cough some up, maybe you could pick it outta my teeth?
She starts saying that she believes Qualcomm is channeling their communications network through her Kia. I look over at her car and notice two cats inside, crawling over the typical hoarder garbage strewn about. She's mid-40s if not older, yet she's dressed like a teenager walking out of a Van Halen music video. A hot pink tight tee, 80s plume hair, heels and white pants, but it's before labor day so I think nothing of it. "Why do you think Qualcomm is channeling their communications network through your Kia?" "Well, there's a new tower they built behind my house. Ever since then I've had problems with my cell phone, my radio reception, and my hair's been standing on end." She shows me her arm and sure enough every hair is standing at full attention. "Where's your house?" She dodges the question. "I can't get any sleep, I think I'm hearing voices when I'm alone, and I think they're trying to take over my car!"
"Okay, ma'am. I understand your concerns, but I'm going to tell you why that's impossible, so hear me out. First, your car doesn't have nearly enough power to run a transmitter like those on that tower. Even if it did, it doesn't have the equipment or computational power to repeat a signal, let alone process one." I start going over frequencies and communications bands, and how none of the equipment in her car can talk to those towers beyond pinging for GPS coordinates. The stereo system doesn't even have a transmitter, bluetooth is super short range, yadda yadda.
Her eyes glazed over. I told her to maybe look into getting a wide-band frequency scanner so she can see what's being transmitted and received by her car. "Well where can I find one?" "I'm not sure, maybe try to find a HAM-radio operator forum?" "Okay, where's that? Do you have an address?" "No, it's... they're hobbyists, you'll have to search the internet for a message board." "Okay, what's the website?" Jeez.
Long story longer, I made my retreat and called the locals for a possible mental break as I lamented about my cold food.
**Edit:** a good one I heard today from another LEO was a guy he arrested on a separate charge that had weed on him. The trooper missed it in the initial pat-down, and once the suspect was in the back of the car he ate it, right in front of the camera. "Bro, you just turned your minor misdemeanor into a 3rd degree felony." "Aw, nuh-uhh. Dude I can still cough some up, maybe you could pick it outta my teeth?
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8points