Every parent has their own way of raising children. And as long as it doesn't hurt the child, all choices are valid. Yet, it doesn't stop some parents from competing with each other.
Just like in today's story. The OP's mother-in-law has a friend whose parenting philosophy is the complete opposite of hers. And this bugs her. But what annoys her even more is that this MIL seemingly feels that her parenting is inferior to her friend's.
More info: mumsnet
What is there to do when you feel like someone looks down on the way you choose to parent your child?
Image credits: Marcell Pálmai (not the actual photo)
A mom often leaves her daughter with her MIL, who takes her to hang out with her friend's girl
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
This girl's mother has a totally different philosophy than the mom, which kind of annoys her
Image credits: Budgeron Bach (not the actual photo)
For example, she lets her daughter paint her nails, wear makeup, attend dance classes, and sleep separately, while the mom who wrote the post doesn't do these things
Image credits: Bananananasaretasty
But what annoys her the most aren't the differences themselves, but the fact that her MIL keeps suggesting she do things the way her friend does
Once a week, the OP’s MIL babysits her children. New parents ask their own parents to babysit their kids for various reasons. Some cannot afford a nanny any other way, and others simply go by the “it takes a village to raise a child” mentality.
Children who are babysat by their grandparents tend to form an irreplaceable bond with them. This bond has plenty of benefits. For instance, it allows grandparents to share their wisdom, and it further develops family traditions and values. It also improves self-esteem in kids and lets them explore their identities within their family unit.
Yet, sometimes, this kind of arrangement can have some drawbacks as well. For example, grandparents might not agree with the parenting their children practice, so it can create some tension. As Bored Panda's interviewee, child psychologist and parenting coach Rupal Jasraj Patel, said, "Children sometimes innocently take advantage, leaning towards the side that benefits them, and thus, their values and boundaries tend to get blurred in the process."
From what the OP wrote in the post, it’s pretty clear that she thinks her mother-in-law overstepped one particular boundary. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
So, when this MIL babysits her 1-year-old granddaughter, she takes her to meet her ex-coworker, who has a 3-year-old girl. The author hasn't hung out with them many times, but from the few times she did, she understood that their parenting approaches differ.
For instance, this mom lets her little daughter wear makeup and nail polish, which seems weird to the woman. Theoretically, there is no age limit to when a kid can start wearing makeup. Basically, it all depends on the rules set by parents and on a person’s preference. Yet, some argue that young kids shouldn’t touch makeup products, as it can damage their skin and cause self-esteem problems.
It's similar with nail polish. It all comes down to the rules of the parents, yet many advise not to allow this, especially if the kid still has a habit of finger-sucking. And if they let their kids paint their nails, it is better to do so with polishes meant for children, as they usually are designed without chemicals that can irritate their skin.
So, the OP is one of those parents who isn’t for letting their kids use these beauty procedures while they're so young. But her MIL’s friend is, which kind of disturbs the woman.
Image credits: Fernanda De Freitas (not the actual photo)
Yet, this isn’t the only difference between their parenting. This other mom also puts her daughter into a high-back booster, while the OP doesn’t. She also has sleep-trained her girl, which means that she likely can sleep for several hours in the night by herself. At the same time, the author prefers co-sleeping with her kid.
Apparently, there is no clear answer as to which choice of sleeping is better – it all depends on the parents and the kid. Some choose to sleep separately because they worry about sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), which can be caused by sharing a bed. Others simply find sleeping separately more comfortable. Simultaneously, others are more soothed when their kid sleeps with them, just like the OP.
The author also chose to breastfeed her baby, while her mother-in-law's friend didn’t. Also, this woman lets her daughter go to dance classes, while the original poster claimed she wants her kid to spend time with family instead.
So, quite a long list of differences, isn’t it? But the main problem the author has with this whole situation isn’t these differences. It’s the fact that her MIL keeps mentioning that she could do some stuff that her friend does.
For example, she keeps recommending taking her granddaughter to dance classes or advising her on how to keep her sleeping through the night. This makes the woman feel like her mother-in-law trusts her friend’s parenting more than hers. She also feels like she can’t confront her about it or ask her not to hang out with this woman.
Contrary to what the OP thinks, our interviewee said that, for cases like these, communication is key. "Parents should have open and respectful conversations with grandparents, explaining their parenting choices and the reasons behind them." To have those conversations, Rupal Jasraj Patel suggests having regular family meetings.
For this reason, the OP came to the Mumsnet forum to ask for advice on what she should do. Most of the people told her that she shouldn’t do anything. In their eyes, the mother-in-law wasn’t doing anything wrong -- she was just giving a few suggestions that might improve her grandkid’s life.
Our interviewee said that parents shouldn't take such comparisons personally. "The best way is to acknowledge the grandparents' experiences and gently explain that every family and child is unique, so different approaches work for different people."
The forum’s users also called out the woman for being overly judgy. Maybe, after all, she took comparisons personally and expressed them in a judgy manner. From her post, it seemed that everything the other mom does bugs her just because she does it differently. And this left quite a sour taste in internet folks’ mouths.
So, what we can take away from this story is that maybe we should all strive to be more tolerant of those who make different choices. Whether it’s parenting or any other stuff -- sometimes, there is more than one right answer.
When she came online to ask what she should do about it, she was told not to do anything except stop judging the other mom
