What’s shiny, heavy, made out of steel, and perfect for cutting through bones? Yes, it’s a cleaver! And this is our post dedicated to… cleaver jokes? Wait a moment, the title says clever, not cleaver… Oh well, the aforementioned qualities apply both to cleavers and clever jokes as they are both known for their qualities to cut through things with their metaphorical and literal sharpness. So, a bullet dodged here, and let’s continue on talking about jokes, not axlike knives, shall we?
Alrighty then, smart jokes are why we are all here, and let’s check what we’ve managed to find that fits perfectly into the description of ‘cleaver,’ I mean clever, sorry again. These are indeed some intelligent jokes, as you are about to see for yourself, and the topics they encompass are thoroughly varied - from the minutiae of life to the grand ideas of great thinkers, these hilarious jokes will cater to any intellectual’s needs. Then there are the rhetorical questions that might’ve baffled you in any other instance, but when it’s a joke? There are also some clever dilemmas that don’t require solutions and are here solely for their entertainment value. And, of course, there are some good old puns to carry the burden of philosophical ponderings. No cleavers, though; sorry to disappoint you.
Anyway, it’s for you and your insatiable intellect to decide whether these clever jokes are truly smart or just pretend to be such. And how shall we know about your choice? Well, easily, because you’ve definitely voted for the funny jokes that have tickled your fancy! After that, there’s no question that you’ve shared this post with your compadres who have also voted for their best picks. That is how we are sure to know which of these seemingly silly jokes were actually the smartest of the bunch! As is, our gratitude befalls you for having completed such a vital task.
#1
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
unknown
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#2
If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?
unknown
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#3
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
unknown
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#4
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
unknown
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#5
Two men walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The other says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”
The second man died.
The other says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”
The second man died.
unknown
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#6
I hate Russian dolls… So full of themselves.
unknown
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#7
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
unknown
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#8
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
unknown
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#9
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out. The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation, “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”
unknown
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#10
Thank you student loans for getting me through university, I don't think I can ever repay you.
unknown
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#11
Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.
No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.
unknown
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#12
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I don’t know and I don’t care.
unknown
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#13
I invented a new word - plagiarism.
unknown
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#14
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”
unknown
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#15
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
unknown
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#16
"One time, a guy handed me a picture. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." I thought, duuuh, every picture of you is when you were younger." - Mitch Hedberg
unknown
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#17
A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”
unknown
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#18
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy.
After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”
The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.”
Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”
The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.”
Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
unknown
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#19
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
unknown
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#20
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, "Five beers, please."
unknown
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