It really does take a village, and never more so than in those first foggy weeks after a baby arrives. The problem is that when the village starts bickering about whose village it is, nobody wins and everybody suffers. When you add twins, a birth abroad, and an entitled daughter-in-law into the mix, things get pushed to the brink.
One mother made a commitment to her daughter, who would be recovering from a twin birth abroad with no family nearby. When her son told her to come home early for his wife, who had her own mother and multiple family members around her, she said no. The conversation that followed did not go particularly well for anyone involved.
Bringing twins into the world is no small feat, and having your mom around to help is all a girl could ask for
This mother was more than happy to fly abroad to be present for the delivery of her daughter's twins, but her son didn't see it that way
Her son announced his wife would be giving birth a month after his sister, and they expected the mother to fly back and also be present for that
The mother calmly explained she would stay with her daughter for two to three months after the birth of her twins, the son lost it
They demanded the woman show the same amount of effort to her daughter-in-law than she would her own daughter
People in the comments were overwhelmingly on the mother's side, saying a daughter abroad, with twins, should come first
A few days later, the mother came back with an update, telling people how she brought up the matter again
Her son and daughter-in-law took their entitlement further, but in a strange twist, her daughter-in-law's mom was on her side
A majority of women say they lacked the sort of "village mentality" they hoped for during their pregnancy
Research by AXA International Health Insurance found that 40% of expats cite the lack of a local family support network as one of the hardest parts of living abroad. The daughter in this story is about to give birth to twins in another country, with her boyfriend and no family nearby. That is a very vulnerable position that most people who have never experienced it tend to underestimate significantly.
The physical reality of bringing home twins is even more daunting. A single newborn wakes every two to three hours, but twins are rarely on the same schedule initially, meaning one wakes up just as you finish feeding the other and your potential sleep drops to near zero, according to Medicine Net. That’s not even plausible for a normal person on any given day.
Add a C-section recovery, which takes six to eight weeks for initial healing and up to three months for full internal recovery, and the idea of managing two babies while healing from major abdominal surgery with no support becomes a little more alarming. Today's Parent notes that tandem feeding while recovering from a C-section, which is more common with multiples, makes lifting two babies and all their gear physically agonising.
Between 49% and 62% of new mothers report lacking the village-style generational support that previous generations relied on, frequently noting they do not have the direct help from their own mothers that they expected or needed.
The mother in this story is in the privileged position of being able to offer exactly that to her daughter, and she made a commitment to do so. The DIL, by contrast, has her own mother present, multiple family members nearby, and a mother-in-law who will be there shortly after the birth. The maths of who needs more support is not particularly complicated, and the DIL's own mother, to her credit, seemed to understand that when she arrived at the meeting.
What next steps do you think this desperate grandmother-to-be needs to take? Share some advice in the comments!
People in the comments kept reassuring her that she was making the sensible choice in staying longer with her own daughter
