ParentingOCT 9, 2022

People Get Raw And Honest About Whether They Regret Not Having Kids Now That They're Over 40

Vėja Elkimavičiūtė and Adelaide May Ross

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Some people have known that they were meant to be parents since they were small children themselves, carrying around baby dolls everywhere they went and picking out the names of their future kids before they even turned 18. On the other hand, some people know that they just aren’t meant to be parents, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Whether it’s due to financial reasons, physical limitations, wanting to put all of their energy into their career instead, or simply lacking any desire to be a parent, there are infinite valid reasons for not having children. And although being childfree is becoming more common all the time, there are still some people out there who believe that we’re all meant to have kids and that anyone who doesn’t will regret it.

To set the record straight, we consulted this Reddit thread, where a curious user asked childfree people over the age of 40 how they feel about their decision not to have kids, and gathered some of the most compelling responses down below. Be sure to upvote the replies that resonate with you or that you’d like your fellow pandas to see, and if you’re childfree, we’d love to hear how you feel about that decision in the comments down below. Keep reading to also find interviews with the woman who sparked this conversation on Reddit in the first place and Wilmarie and Ryan of the childfree blog Life Without Kids. Then, if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article highlighting why being a parent is not for everyone, look no further than right here.

#1

People Get Raw And Honest About Whether They Regret Not Having Kids Now That They're Over 40

48 F and had a tubal ligation done at 21. I never wanted kids, and I'm so glad I never had kids. I spent 20 years struggling just to take care of myself, with unmedicated, ADHD, anxiety, and depression. There is no way in hell I could have taken care of kids. And with my history of relationships, it definitely wouldn't have been a healthy, two-parent home. So I have absolutely no regrets. It's better to want kids and not have them, then not want kids and have them.

JuracichPark, Anthony Tran

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266points

To gain more insight into how this conversation began in the first place, we reached out to the woman who posed this question on Reddit. The woman, who we will refer to as the post's author to respect her privacy, told Bored Panda, "I’m 24 and childfree. I have known for quite a while that I don’t want kids, at least not my own biological ones. But with everyone around you telling you that you’ll want them sooner or later/with the right partner/etc., I was looking for some assurance (or proof that those people are right) from older folks."

We also asked the author if the replies to this post changed her opinions on being childfree at all. "They didn’t change them at all, if anything I was overwhelmed by the ratio of people regretting or not regretting it," she shared. "There were some who, looking back, would’ve wanted children. But most stuck to their decision. Even though one couple took care of a baby from a relative for a couple months, raised it like their own apparently, and developed parental feelings, they didn’t want to have their own."

#2

It makes the downfall of civilization easier to watch.

T-Trainset, Ryoji Iwata

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190points

We were also curious what the author thinks are the pros and cons of being childfree. "The pros would be silence, money and time for yourself, being able to focus on your own life," she shared. "Also not bringing another life into this world that seems to have such a dystopian future ahead. Not having to worry about what changes your body and mind has to go through during and after pregnancy, or having to live with having had a miscarriage if that happens."

"The cons would be missing out on that experience I guess? Some people also mentioned they were scared of being lonely when they get old since they have no kids to look after them," the author noted. "But in order for your kids to want to support and see you when you’re older, you have to have done a good job at raising them, and their life has to have been a rather stable one. And I know I’d probably not be a good parent, plus I would never get a child just so it can care for me when I’m old. That doesn’t seem fair."

#3

43 here. Every single day I know I made the right decision for me. The risk of passing on depression and anxiety to a new person never felt like a nice thing to do.

tom957, Nik Shuliahin 💛💙

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172points

We also asked the author what she would say to anyone who doesn't understand why she has no desire to have kids. "It’s okay you don’t understand, but don’t judge me for my decision," she shared. "Another thing that stuck to me was women wishing me luck should I ever want to get sterilized," the author noted. "It’s so hard, especially as a young woman, to have that done. Most doctors try to talk you out of it, and/or just straight up won’t do it. Once again, women are not allowed to choose and decide what they want for their bodies and themselves. And that’s just so wrong."

#4

Had a vasectomy at 29 (unmarried and no children at the time; it took a LOT of talking).

Just turned 60 and am well aware that if I die after I fully retire, it's entirely likely no one will notice until the mailbox starts to overflow. So yeah, I have moments of regret every so often.

I don't think that's enough reason to have brought additional humans into this world, though.

DirtyNakedHippie

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170points

#5

Morally sound. Look at this planet - it's bad form to invite someone to a party that's not only already over, but left the house on fire to boot.

Cowy_the_Cow, Matt Palmer

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169points

To gain some more insight on the topic of being childfree, we also reached out to Wilmarie and Ryan of the childfree blog Life Without Kids. Wilmarie and Ryan share their adventures traveling the world online, on their Instagram, blog Serious Travel Couple and YouTube channel. And while they live a very exciting life, kids are not part of the equation. So we at Bored Panda were curious what being childfree means to them.

"For us, being childfree means having the freedom to choose how to live our lives, what to do with our time and money, and what life purpose we want to follow," Wilmarie and Ryan shared. "It's just being us since we've never wanted kids."

#6

I'm 49 my husband is 53.

We're both more than happy with how things are.

I never wanted kids. I was the eldest in a family of 4 and was defacto childminder from the age of 8. I was 16 when my youngest sister was born and my mum relied on me heavily with her. I did night feeds. Looked after her when the rest went on holiday and when I left home at 18, regularly had both her and my middle sister staying with me for weekends and weeks during the summers.

Don't get me wrong. I loved every moment and I'm really close with my youngest sister but between watching my mum deal with us and the experiences I had myself, knew I didn't want to devote my life to kids.

I couldn't face the idea of mornings, getting them up, washed, dressed, fed, sent to school... I wasn't interested in being a taxi ferrying them to after school stuff, friends houses etc etc. I wasn't interested in worrying about money.

I also realised, that if I had kids in my early 20's I would be in my late 40's before my life was my own again (at best) and never have my own life again if I didn't have them till I was in my late 30's.

My husband was never bothered one way or the other.

Our life is good. We're not rich by any means between us we earn about £40k a year. But we we aren't tied to our jobs, if we wanted to change it up we can without worrying about putting food on the table. And we do low stress jobs. We work to live not live to work.

We own our own home, we can go on holiday, we indulge our hobbies and take on new ones (getting ourselves some Occulas Quests in the new year). We don't miss having kids.

My baby sister now 33 is also child free and I know she and her husband are pretty content with their lives too.

I feel I should also say. I don't hate kids. I'm happy to spend time in their company and enjoy time with friends and families kids. But I'm VERY glad I don't have to take them home with me lol

LaraH39, Soroush Karimi

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137points

We also asked Wilmarie and Ryan if there were any misconceptions about being childfree they wanted to dispel. "There are many misconceptions about being childfree," they shared. "We do not hate kids just because we don't want to have our own. Ryan loves teaching kids (he has worked as a teacher), and we have nieces and nephews we adore. Also, being childfree does not mean we're selfish. Childfree individuals also contribute to society in many ways, and for the most part, are people that care to make conscious decisions about their lives (i.e. not having kids.)"

So what's the best part of being childfree for them? "The time and financial freedom to pursue career, dreams, hobbies (traveling is our favorite) and ways to contribute to our families, community and the world," Wilmarie and Ryan shared.

#7

So, so good. My husband and I high-five each other at least weekly when we encounter ragged parents trying to manage unruly kids. Then we go home to our Labrador Retriever, do whatever we want, and get a good night’s sleep. I can’t imagine life any other way.

Courbet72, Angel Luciano

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119points

"We would like to live in a world where being childfree is looked at as normal as having kids," they continued. "A family without kids is still a family. Through our childfree community @life.without.kids we aim to educate, celebrate and normalize being childfree by choice."

If you'd like to keep up with Wilmarie and Ryan's adventures online, you can find their Instagram account right here and their travel blog right here.

#8

I've never been comfortable with being responsible for another human being. Nothing has changed. To all good parents: Keep it up. It's a very difficult job but you are appreciated.

SpinachPure483, Artem Kovalev

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111points

#9

It’s a strange one, I know I made the right decision I would have made a terrible parent so I’ve got no regrets about not having kids.

However I’m at the point in life where all my friends have settled down and are raising families … and I no longer have much in common with them. We still meet up and I understand their time constraints, but as the years go by there’s less to talk about.

Bangkokbeats10, Tyler Nix

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109points

#10

46F. I will speak up and be the minority here. I regret not having children. It wasn't a conscious decision, but I'm a pretty traditional person and never found someone to settle down and have a family with.

I've recently had to come to terms with the fact that I won't have kids and what that means for the rest of my life. I might choose to adopt or foster in the future but now I really have to weigh if it's worth being a parent now when all my friends kids are grown and they are even starting to have grand kids. Do I really wanna be that far behind? I've always been a late bloomer, but wow...that's just too late I think!

On the flip side, my child free status has allowed me to cultivate fantastic relationships with my best friends kids and to offer support to her family in ways that I wouldn't have been able to do if I'd had a family of my own. They are my family and I love each of them so much. We have a pretty special bond.

I would say to consider all your options and search your heart for what you want and can do in plenty of time to act before time runs out. Being child free isn't always a conscious decision. For some of us Life just happens that way.

ExaminationFun8639, Eric Ward

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105points

#11

I couldn't be happier. I can't imagine having to live my whole life around a child. I have a cat for love, she's the best and I don't have to send her to college.

ChaserNeverRests, Mikhail Vasilyev

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102points

#12

I barely have enough energy to take care of myself, and if I try real hard maybe a casual girlfriend. No f*****g way could I handle a kid.

Ahhmyface, Christian Erfurt

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81points

#13

None. I'd be doing a kid a disservice. I'm selfish and lazy.

I like sleeping in on the days I'm not working and being able to get up and go as I please. My work hours are weird and I'd never be able to do that with a kid. I don't want to be responsible for anything more than the one cat I have.

I have no nieces or nephews. I don't buy many Christmas gifts. I don't go to loud children's parties. It's an introvert's dream.

AscoyneDAscoyne

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77points

#14

No regrets on not having kids. I never could have given them the life they deserved.

As I age (I'm 57) I do wish I had a life partner, I'm a bit scared about being elderly and alone but I'm always glad I didn't have kids.

BlueCatLaughing

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69points

#15

Still feeling great about that decision with no regrets at all. It has allowed us to be present in the lives of our friend's kids in a wonderful way. We're like the weird aunt and uncle who have always been there to a pack of kids. It's good when kids have adults to talk to, bounce ideas and thoughts off of that aren't their parents. To be able to be there for them in this way has been really great!

uncertaincucumbers, Kelly Sikkema

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67points

#16

The older I get, the more sure I am of my decision.

Someone else commented it on here so I second this line of reasoning: certain unhealthy/toxic behaviors are cyclical/generational, including hereditary on a biological level, and I’m more concerned with ending all this with me than I am with seeking validation via a child.

On top of that my emotional issues make me unable to properly connect or care for a child in the way they deserve. I am very empathetic to pain in that sense, but I also have issues with not inevitably becoming a SOURCE of that pain (I.e. I have serious commitment/investment issues and frequently check out when it’s all too much.)

Lastly, I’m very conscious of how much life changes when you have a kid, which some people remain bafflingly obtuse on until they’re in the thick of it. Like yes, kids are EXPENSIVE, they’re loud, their logic makes no sense in a lot of situations and they literally can’t help that so yeah you’re gonna be spending extraordinary amounts of time/energy on just keeping them alive, oh and they have serious emotional needs that you are definitely f*****g up if you don’t give them what they need. I have zero interest in all of it and no issues with admitting to that.

So ultimately I don’t have any desire for a child, and I will not continue the cycle of having them cause we don’t know what else to do. Occasionally I feel a biological pang when I see cute baby clothes, but then I remember really quick everything that goes into and I’m over it.

failedattemptnumber4, Stefan Spassov

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67points

#17

My wife and I are both good with it. We were able to go on a lot of cool vacations, save a lot of money, have a lot of time to ourselves, etc. I feel bad that for about 15 years of her life my wife as shamed because she didn't want a child. "So you just don't want children?".

With that said, we were forced into a situation where we had to take care of our niece, who was 9 months, for 6 months. It did make us appreciate some things about children. I now better understand the love for a child, we will now do anything for our niece for the rest of our lives. I thought having a child around would make me more understanding of parents but it really hasn't. I still think a lot of them do a sh**ty job and are setting them up for failure in the future.

buzzzzz1, Toa Heftiba

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65points

#18

Turns out selfishness, irresponsibility and hedonism is fun.

FindTheRemnant

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64points

#19

I go back and fourth on this topic. I'm usually ok with it but if I see a friend or family member with their kid(s) it makes me second guess my decision. That feeling usually passes once I get into my sports car and drive back to my clean quiet home.

Quegyboe, Florian Schneider

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64points

#20

52 yo. Excellent.

So far there have been only few downsides:

- Once I had a nice girlfriend. She wanted kids, I did not. Broke up over that. I have no regrets, though. Kids did not make her as happy as she expected. And I have the best GF ever now.

- The only moment I felt I was not continuing the family tree, was when my sister mentioned in her speech at the funeral of our mother, that see can see our mother in her kids. I can see that too. Briefly, that felt like a gap. But after that speech, it never felt like a gap again.

- Stupid people have more children, and earlier in their lives than smart people. Evolutionary, we are dumbing down as a species.

On the bright side:

**√** Easier life choices: The divorce I once needed, was easy. Also, no stress with child when I got in a relationship with the best GF ever.

***√*** More time on my hands: I could start an art career next to my work career.

***√*** Less stress: I do not have stress over kids derailing, or problems at their schools. No homeschooling while working during lockdown. No screaming kids in my home. No kids of other people here either.

***√*** I'm not dropping kids off in a world with a grim future. Far lower CO2 footprint too, so making it a tiny less grim.

**√** No hijacking of my life by a kid in need for constant help, which is a risk you need to be willing to take if you plan having kids. I did not want to take that risk.

**√** Most importantly, I did not have to experience losing a child like my parents had to. This was my most important reason. It broke my parents completely. I did not want to inflict that damage on me.

d-a-v-e-, Everton Vila

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59points

151