The term ‘child-free’ has been around since the early 1900s, but it became more popular in the 1970s when feminists started using it to describe women who chose not to have children. The word ‘free’ highlighted the freedom and lack of obligation felt by those who made this choice.
Elizabeth Hintz, an assistant professor in communication at the University of Connecticut, US, who’s studied perceptions of childfree identities, explains that there are different ways people arrive at this decision. “There are people who know early in life that they don’t want children and they never waver. There are people who come to the decision later in life and then proclaim it as a part of their identity. And then there are people who are sort of on the fence about whether to have children that might flip-flop back and forth.”
A 2021 poll by the Pew Research Center showed that 44% of non-parents aged 18 to 49 say it is unlikely they will have children someday, a significant portion of the population. However, many, especially women, encounter criticism for wanting to remain childfree.
“I love children. But I don’t plan on having any of my own,” writes Ursula Taherian for the Los Angeles Times. “It took me a long time to be able to say that out loud. And by ‘out loud’ I mean whispering it with a hint of uncertainty so as not to offend. Because when you’re a married woman of a certain age with no kids, people have questions. Fertility advice. Pity. Judgment. Lots of judgment.”
“At gatherings I respond to the anticipated, ‘When are you having kids?’ with a teasing, ‘Ohhh, we’ll see hahahaha,’ and hurry over to the snacks. Because if I’m honest about not wanting kids, I’m never getting to the snacks,” shares Taherian. “I’m getting cross-examined. ‘You’ll regret it.’ [...] And someone will promise I’ll feel different once I have my own. But what if I don’t?”
A 2017 study by Indiana University confirms that many people genuinely disapprove of others who don’t want to have children. “Consistent with many personal anecdotes, participants rated voluntarily childfree men and women as significantly less fulfilled than men and women with children,” says Leslie Ashburn-Nardo, an associate professor of psychology, who conducted the research. “This effect was driven by feelings of moral outrage—anger, disapproval and disgust—toward the voluntarily childfree people.”
However, some individuals are more understanding. For instance, Viktoria Lubbock, a mother of two adult men aged 38 and 40, says she and her husband respect their sons’ choice not to have children. They haven’t asked why either, believing it would be “intrusive and potentially judgmental” to do so. “Our role as ‘grandparents’ is therefore limited to cat-sitting for their households, and we are very content with that.”
“I think people who choose not to have children think about having children a lot more than those who have them. Because every decision has an opportunity cost—the value of the options you forgo,” says Taherian.
And the reasons people decide to go childfree vary widely. Some say they’ve never pictured themselves as parents and never developed the desire to have a child. Others prioritize the freedom to travel and focus on their careers without restrictions. Additionally, some believe that the current state of the world is not safe or welcoming enough to raise a child in. It’s a lot to consider.
Deciding whether you actually want children can be truly challenging. Ann Davidman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is an expert at helping people figure it out. She believes, “If everyone paused and pondered whether or not motherhood or fatherhood was for them—no matter how certain or uncertain they felt about the answer—the experience they would have of coming to an ultimate decision would feel more expansive and have fewer fears attached to it.”
If you’re unsure whether having kids is right for you, Davidman offers some advice. Start by taking a break from thinking about it or discussing it for 1 to 3 months with your partner or friends. Understand that it’s normal to have doubts because it's a complex issue.
Avoid making pros and cons lists, as they can keep you stuck. Instead, recall three decisions you made because you knew deep down they were right for you. Reflect on how good it felt to make those decisions. This is the sensation you should aim for when considering whether to have children.