Learning your partner is cheating on you is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences imaginable. And since every situation can be a little different, people's reactions can vary as well.
Sometimes they lash out, sometimes they hook up with someone in revenge, and sometimes they just walk out and never come back.
This woman, after much deliberation, decided to actually contact the lady her husband was sleeping with. However, even though tons of scenarios were running through her head about how it might play out, nothing could have prepared her for the messages she received.
As a warning to others to think twice before going down the same path, she uploaded their conversation to r/Manipulation.
This woman got in touch with her husband’s mistress
Image credits: GSR-PhotoStudio/Envato (not the actual photo)
And it did not go well
The conversation was super manipulative and full of gaslighting
Image credits: LightFieldStudios/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: anonymous
In situations where a partner has been unfaithful, and emotions are raw, the instinct to get immediate answers can feel overwhelming
Of course, it’s easy for us to say, but contacting your spouse’s lover is questionable, at best. According to psychotherapist Marty Klein, Ph.D., everyone in crisis needs to talk about it, but radical transparency is unrealistic.
“[It] involves someone sharing the complete details about their affair ... but this is a one-sided approach,” he says.
“Radical transparency can create more resentment and more obsessive imagery and discourage one or both partners from participating in a genuine healing process.”
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
We want the answers here and now, but we usually don’t get them this way. “Confronted with evidence, the Betrayer—terrified or ashamed, or both—will sometimes let the truth out little by little, over time,” Klein adds.
And “I only just kissed her a few times” becomes “OK, we did it once,” or even “It was only a few times at work.”
“Once truth-telling itself is tainted with evidence of bad faith or lying, the Betrayed will feel increasingly skeptical of whatever they’re told, and of any possible reconciliation. Instead of being perceived as someone who has lied, the Betrayer will quickly be perceived as a chronic liar. Who would trust such a person?” says Klein.
“Everyone who lies does so for the same reason—fearing the consequences of telling the truth. The Betrayer needs to accept that they can’t control or predict the outcome of telling the truth—but doing so is the first step toward a possible life of authenticity, regardless of what happens in the relationship.”
But you need to seriously consider whether calling your husband’s mistress is a good idea
In situations like the one in our post, where a spouse has been unfaithful, the temptation to confront the affair partner can feel very strong. Licensed clinical social worker Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz says that people need to consider their intentions before confronting their spouse’s affair partner.
For example, if you’re looking to make yourself feel better and just want to lash out at the person, you’re probably only going to create more drama.
“The truth is that most people recognize that hooking up or starting a relationship with a married person is morally wrong. In an effort to convince the affair partner to hook up with them, your spouse has probably said some pretty terrible things about you,” Jacobsen Schulz explains.
“Perhaps your cheating spouse told the affair partner that you’re [violent] or that you’ve gambled away all of the family’s money. In this case, the affair partner may think you deserve what happened to you.”
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
So it’s not unreasonable that, instead of being remorseful or understanding, the woman tore the wife down to make herself feel better.
These interactions, Jacobsen Schulz says, often only further hurt the Betrayed.
“When you’ve caught your spouse cheating, it can be difficult to stop your racing thoughts. You may become overly clingy or constantly worry that they’re still cheating,” she adds. “It can be helpful to go through counseling to help you overcome your anxiety and develop coping strategies. It is also beneficial to have open, honest communication with your spouse about how you are feeling.”
Ultimately, every case is different. “When you find that you have a cheating spouse, you may decide you want to work on the relationship. Many marriages do heal from affairs,” Jacobsen Schulz says. This one didn’t.
Everyone was appalled by what was happening and told the woman she needed to leave
