“In sickness and in health” are the vows a couple utters on their wedding day. In some cases, the sickness part might start way sooner than they imagine. It’s not uncommon for spouses to be primary caregivers to their disabled partners, as in the U.S. alone, there are 5.7 million partner caregivers. But what happens to a marriage after years of such a predicament?
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One husband recently confessed online about how he was reaching his breaking point after seven years of caring for his disabled wife. In his post, he asked for advice about how to navigate his desire for a happier, more fulfilling life, romance, and intimacy, and a heartbreaking urge to run away with his two kids.
A man confessed he was at the precipice of breaking after being the primary caregiver to his disabled wife for seven years
In an online post, he asked strangers for advice on how to deal with unwanted feelings, grief, and resentment
Caregiver burnout and loneliness are huge problems that often get overlooked
Taking care of a relative, child, or spouse who has special needs is a serious challenge. So much so, in fact, that researchers and mental health professionals are noticing that many caregivers are experiencing burnout and even resentment, like the husband in this story.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, four in 10 family caregivers find their situation extremely stressful. There are a lot of sources of anxiety for a caregiver: financial, childcare, and, of course, the everyday care of the disabled person. It’s not unusual that a caregiver stops taking care of themselves: they sleep less, eat worse, ignore their mental health issues, and just generally feel unhappy.
But it’s like the age-old saying goes: you can’t take care of someone else if you’re not taking care of yourself. Caregivers must ask for help when they feel overwhelmed, but the majority don’t. Research shows that caregivers have a higher mortality rate because of the physical and emotional strain. What’s more, they even have a 23% higher risk of stroke compared to their non-caregiver counterparts.
The husband in this story is not alone in carrying the burden. According to a 2019 study, 55% of spouses caring for partners with special needs are solo caregivers. Social isolation is a big part of being a caregiver, and so is the loss of intimacy between spouses. One study involving older male caregivers showed that they feel a substantial lack of emotional and physical intimacy, and when they bring it up, they’re often shut down, leaving them to deal with their loneliness by themselves.
To fight ambiguous loss, the grieving person needs to shift their perspective from either/or to both/and
The fact that the husband is experiencing burnout and loneliness is not the only issue. His unhappiness also stems from the fact that he’s grieving his marriage, love, and his wife despite the fact that she’s still physically there.
Like some commenters already pointed out, the husband is most likely dealing with ambiguous loss. That’s a term coined by family therapist Dr. Pauline Boss, author of Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief in the 1970s.
She singled out two different types of ambiguous loss: physical and psychological. Physical ambiguous loss happens when a loved one is physically absent but emotionally there, like in the military or incarcerated. Psychological loss applies to this story: the person that you’re grieving is still there physically, but they’re emotionally unavailable, e.g., dementia patients, dealing with substance dependency, or have suffered a traumatic brain injury.
An important mindset shift in dealing with ambiguous loss is to change your thinking from “either/or” to “both/and.” Two things can be true at the same time: the husband might be tired of being the primary caregiver to his wife but still want the best care for her. He can be both a caregiver and someone who takes care of his own needs. He can grieve the person that his wife was and the life he imagined for them and be happy about future plans and goals.
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