Everyone has their own vision of what the holidays should be, and for families, the important thing is to respect each other's boundaries while enjoying their time together.
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But Reddit user Pure_Dragonfly_8960 claims his brother and sister went behind his back and contacted their biological father, who abandoned them years ago—not that he had been a good parent before that, either.
Even more, they invited the man for Christmas dinner, which our Redditor was getting ready to host. So he kicked out his siblings and canceled the whole thing altogether. And while it initially felt like the correct decision, the flood of texts that quickly followed started planting doubts in his mind.
Sometimes, as much as we try to make the holidays special for our family, they still find a way to complicate things
Image credits: annagorbenko/Envato (not the actual photo)
Which is exactly what happened to this man as he prepared to host his siblings for Christmas dinner
Image credits: Image-Source/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pure_Dragonfly_8960
Estrangement is not uncommon
According to a recent survey from The Harris Poll, about half of U.S. adults are currently estranged from at least one close relation (i.e., a family member or friend).
Of those, 35% are estranged from an immediate family member, such as a parent or sibling. A third (34%) report being estranged from an extended family member, such as a grandparent or cousin. A quarter (27%) say the same for a member of their chosen family (e.g., a close friend or family connection).
Similar to this case, people who are estranged from a relative most often cite interactions with family members as the root cause. Two in five (41%) report that estrangement occurred due to a specific action taken by the relative, while fewer (9%) cite a specific action taken personally. Another two in five (39%) cite family dynamics as the root cause.
A large majority (80%) of people with estranged relations limit their direct interactions with the person, with two-thirds (68%) completely ending personal communication. About half (47%) go even further and actively prevent the two of them from even having the opportunity to interact, such as blocking or unfollowing on social media (34%) or restricting communication channels (30%), like deleting phone numbers or blocking emails.
However, only a fifth (21%) exclude estranged relatives from family gatherings.
Image credits: EyeEm/Freepik (not the actual photo)
Generally, people shouldn’t be forced to reconnect with family before they’re ready
“When an adult child cuts off contact for years, it is rarely about one argument alone,” says New York-based therapist Sahaj Kaur Kohli.
And before his siblings begin to advise our Redditor on what to do, here’s a list of things Kohli believes people in their position should refrain from:
- Don’t minimize what happened;
- Don’t pressure them to reconnect solely for the sake of “family”;
- Don’t repeatedly contact them to explain yourself;
- Don’t use other people as emotional leverage.
“When someone feels hurt, the fastest way to lose them is to tell them they ‘shouldn’t’ feel that way,” adds Kohli, author of But What Will People Say?: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love, and Family Between Cultures.
As people started responding to his story, the man revealed more information in the comments
And most people said they understood his reaction
