A 9-year relationship is no short-term fling. It’s safe to say by that stage, both parties generally know each other quite well. They’ve gone through their fair share of ups and downs. And for many, marriage might be the next step. That’s exactly where one woman thought her relationship was heading...
So when her boyfriend started showering her with gifts and planned a romantic dinner, she was ready for a ring to appear. What she wasn't expecting was to be dumped, insulted, and kicked out of the apartment they shared together. Now, months later, her ex has crept out of the woodwork, sending her flowers and asking to meet. The woman is seeking advice. Bored Panda reached out to relationship expert Professor Amber Vennum from Kansas State University, as well as psychotherapist, speaker and author Anna Mathur to hear their views on navigating relationships with exes.
After dedicating 9 years of her life to her BF, she genuinely thought he was about to propose
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Instead, he dumped her over a romantic dinner, telling her she wasn't wife material and had served her purpose
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Experts warn against rekindling old flames
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Some people feel you should never consider getting back with an ex. While others don't see a problem with it. Many experts believe it all lies in why you broke up and whether you've managed to resolve the issues. And of course, your reasons for wanting to reconcile.
If you want them back only because you're lonely or miss their company, you might want to give it some more thought. Running back an unfulfilling or unhealthy relationship for those reasons may be a sign that you need to learn to love yourself...
Professor Amber Vennum is an expert when it comes to forming healthy relationships, and has done extensive research on break-ups. She warns that getting back with an ex isn't always worth it. "Familiarity can feel appealing and time away from an ex can bring up memories of good times we miss with them," she told Bored Panda during an interview. "But if the issues aren’t resolved and there isn’t a clear plan in place for changing things this time around with clear dedication from both partners to make changes, it may not be worth the risk."
Vennum says on average, partners report lower relationship quality and more conflict each time they renew the relationship unless there has been a lot of intentional effort to change. "So, allow yourself time to grieve the loss of what you hope that relationship could have been, learn from what worked and what hurt, and use that knowledge to improve your future relationships," advises the expert. "It can help to limit contact as much as is reasonable until the wounds don’t feel as open."
"Relationships with significant toxic elements, red flags, or even abusive patterns are generally unsafe to reenter, even if you believe that feelings of love or affection remain," notes BetterHelp.com. Their experts add that it helps to do your best to separate emotion from the facts of the situation.
"Depictions of romance in pop culture can mislead us into thinking that getting back together is always the best option," reads the site. "Try to see the former romantic connection for what it truly was so that you can avoid the common tendency to idealize the past."
Psychotherapist, speaker and best-selling author Anna Mathur agrees. She told Bored Panda that reuniting should come from clarity, not panic or nostalgia.
"It’s a red flag when the decision to get back together is driven by fear, loneliness or a longing for the familiar rather than genuine change or growth," said Mathur when we reached out to her. "If the relationship involved emotional or physical harm, repeated cycles of breaking up and reconciling without real reflection or repair, or if one person is hoping the other will change rather than accepting them as they are, it’s likely not a healthy path."
Vennum says sometimes it is okay to rekindle a love lost. But only when "you’ve owned hurt you may have contributed to from the first breakup, have both done some reflecting on what you need and what you are willing to do differently this time around to prevent the breakup again, and have openly discussed how well you align on what you want out of this relationship and how it fits into your lives and future plans."
The expert says some couples rekindle because they broke up for non-conflictual reasons like moving for a job or school. While other couples who rekindle report intense emotional connection to each other. "Emotional connection can feel great," she says. "But we may be more willing to tolerate harmful dynamics when we feel so connected to someone and don’t want to lose that connection."
Vennum's research suggests that exes who rekindle the flame or are in what's known as cyclical relationships (“on again, off again”) often show a pattern of negative outcomes. They tend to be more impulsive about major relationship transitions—like moving in together, buying a pet together, or having a child together—than those not in a cyclical relationship.
They're often less satisfied with their partner, have worse communication, make more bad relationship decisions, have lower self-esteem, and more uncertainty about their future together.
Many advised the woman not to meet with her ex and to avoid any contact
The woman provided an update later, revealing how her ex had hunted her down
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To block or not to block? A relationship expert weighs in
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Bored Panda asked Mathur if blocking an ex in order to heal is really the right way to go. "It really depends on the dynamic and emotional intensity of the break-up," she told us. "For many people, having ongoing access to an ex through social media or messaging apps can prolong the pain and prevent emotional distance. Blocking isn’t about being dramatic, it’s about creating a boundary that protects your healing process."
Mathur adds that if staying in contact is preventing closure, it’s entirely healthy to step away and give yourself space. The expert's advice to those going through a bad break-up is to be kind to yourself. "Healing takes time and it’s not linear. Let yourself grieve, and know that sadness, anger, and even moments of doubt are all part of the process," says Mathur.
She also suggests creating structure in your day, reaching out to people who feel safe, and reminding yourself that you’re allowed to feel hurt and still be healing. "Try to resist the urge to rewrite the story with rose-tinted glasses or, conversely, to demonise the other person," Mathur told Bored Panda. "Focus on rebuilding your sense of self, step by step."
On the issue of the woman's ex rocking up unannounced, Mathur warned that this should be taken seriously. "This is not just about emotional discomfort, this is a boundary violation. If someone is showing up repeatedly, uninvited, or making contact that feels intimidating or unwelcome, it may fall under the category of harassment or stalking," she told us.
"She deserves to feel safe. Keeping a record of incidents, informing someone she trusts at work, and seeking professional or legal advice are all valid and important steps. It’s never too soon to take these concerns seriously. The fact that he ended the relationship doesn’t give him any continued right to access her life."
Concerned people asked the woman for more information, which she provided in the comments
"That's karma, baby": netizens felt no sympathy for the ex-boyfriend
