For kids, birthdays are the ultimate celebration: themed parties, all-you-can-eat sugar, and presents galore. For adults (especially those crossing into their thirties), it’s more about milestones, mild existential panic, and trying to prove you’re really into minimalist candleholders.
Whatever age you’re turning, we’re always on the hunt for witty birthday wishes that’ll make someone laugh. A hilarious birthday pun that sends the kids into giggles, a dad joke that earns a groan from the group, or a classic knock-knock joke for that nostalgic punch all help kick off the celebration.
Whether you’re shopping for jokes, puns, or just the right quip to send to a friend teetering on the edge of a birthday meltdown, we've pulled the funniest birthday jokes from every corner of the internet to make your big day a little sillier.
#1
What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once
Forget it once
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#2
Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
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#3
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey!”
“Aye, matey!”
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#4
Why do all of my relatives keep reminding me how old I am on my birthday?
Because age is a relative thing
Because age is a relative thing
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#5
Why couldn’t the science teacher come up with a good birthday joke?
Because all of the good ones Argon.
Because all of the good ones Argon.
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#6
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
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#7
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’” — Steven Wright (via AZ Quotes)
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#8
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.
It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” ― Jerry Seinfeld (via Sirius XM)
It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” ― Jerry Seinfeld (via Sirius XM)
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#9
"Everyone singing Happy Birthday, lovely.
No one singing Happy Birthday, bad.
One person singing Happy Birthday, worse.” — Jimmy Carr
No one singing Happy Birthday, bad.
One person singing Happy Birthday, worse.” — Jimmy Carr
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#10
Did you hear about the study that found that birthdays are good for your health?
It was shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
It was shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
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#11
At a certain age, birthday wishes stop being fun and start sounding like medical advice.
‘Hope you’re healthy, hydrated, and remember where you left your keys.'
‘Hope you’re healthy, hydrated, and remember where you left your keys.'
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#12
“Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party.
It was a surprise birthday party for a dog!
To be fair, the dog was surprised — didn’t suspect a thing.
Dog didn’t know it was his birthday.
Dog didn’t know it had a birthday.
The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment.” — Jim Gaffigan
It was a surprise birthday party for a dog!
To be fair, the dog was surprised — didn’t suspect a thing.
Dog didn’t know it was his birthday.
Dog didn’t know it had a birthday.
The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment.” — Jim Gaffigan
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#13
Why was the calendar so excited on its birthday?
It finally got a date!
It finally got a date!
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#14
“When you hear the song ‘Happy Birthday,’ all you’re thinking is,
‘Hey! I’m gonna get some free cake.’
During the song, you’re just wondering what kind it is.” — Jim Gaffigan
‘Hey! I’m gonna get some free cake.’
During the song, you’re just wondering what kind it is.” — Jim Gaffigan
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#15
Don’t forget to wear your birthday suit.
But make sure you check it for wrinkles first!
But make sure you check it for wrinkles first!
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#16
Why did the football player get upset on her birthday?
Someone gave her a red card!
Someone gave her a red card!
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#17
Why did the birthday boy smash his cake with a hammer?
Because it was a pound cake.
Because it was a pound cake.
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#18
“Greeting cards would make sense if there was something profound written in there.
But it’s always like ‘Happy Birthday.’
… Couldn’t think of that yourself?” — Jim Gaffigan
But it’s always like ‘Happy Birthday.’
… Couldn’t think of that yourself?” — Jim Gaffigan
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#19
What will happen if you invite a thief to your birthday party?
They will take the cake!
They will take the cake!
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#20
“My youngest she had her third birthday today, and I realized I spent a lot of money.
I realized that she’s three. My first childhood memory, I was five.
That means I’m not getting credit for nothing I did today.” — David Arnold
I realized that she’s three. My first childhood memory, I was five.
That means I’m not getting credit for nothing I did today.” — David Arnold
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