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I was 12 and I knew I couldn't tell anyone. Not my friends, not my parents, no one.
It took almost 50 years for me to admit it to anyone and that was my wife. I was petrified to tell her, I honestly thought she would leave (thanks catholic upbringing) but she's my rock and my best friend, and she helped me immensely.
Both my parents are long gone now, and I'm glad I didn't have to burden them with this.
Everyone lies. Everyone keeps secrets. At least to a certain extent. But there is a massive difference between secrecy on the one hand and privacy on the other.
Specifically, secrecy has elements of dishonesty and intentional misleading in it, violates other people’s trust, and can be hurtful or disruptive.
Meanwhile, privacy is the opposite, and everyone has a right to it. “In any relationship, you have the right to keep a part of your life secret, no matter how trivial or how important, for the sole reason that you want to,” Verywell Mind explains. This applies to all of your relationships, including romantic, familial, platonic, and others.
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In the meantime, Psychology Today notes that, based on research by psychologists Michael Slepian and Alex Koch, 3 dimensions can be used to describe secrets: immorality, connectedness, and insight.
For instance, some secrets can have a component of immorality associated with them, and so, you’re reluctant to share them. Others are related to people’s intimate relationships and are very delicate. Still others are directly linked to sensitive, confidential information that can’t be shared. Naturally, secrets can be linked to all 3 of these dimensions.
In theory, understanding why you’re keeping a secret could help alleviate some of the distress you feel and prevent you from ruminating on it. Specifically, you should think about whether your secret harms someone, or protects someone, and whether you have a good understanding of the secret.
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When I went to visit them I would always drive or have my girlfriend drive so I could stash my riding gear in her car while I parked the bike down the street.
Successfully kept the secret for a year until my dad casually asked over dinner, "So when are you going to sell your motorbike?"
"What motorbike?"
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We understand that this is a very sensitive topic, but if you’d like to share your thoughts and experiences, you can do so in the comments at the bottom of this post.
Do you have any secrets that you still haven’t shared even with your closest, most trusted loved ones? How do you distinguish the line between secrecy and privacy? Let us know.
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But... I used to have friends over and drink their liquor. We would often water it down when we were done, to “be safe.” I always assumed they knew and they were looking the other way.
Fast forward 16 years, I’m 32, at my parents house, and my mom wants a cocktail. I laughed out loud and asked my mom if realized I used to water it down. She was shocked and initially pretty angry mostly because they had served some of it to their friends!!! I was shocked because I always assumed they were pretending not to know.
Long story short I got away with it, but kids- don’t expect you’ll be as lucky as I was!
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He lost his job and needed insurance... I still wanted to have a proper wedding, and worried people would skimp out on the gifts if the party was 2 years after our actual wedding.
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[deleted]:
How do you think they'd react if they knew?
anon:
probably send me to live with other family members :/
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