29 Savage Roasts, Comebacks, And Cheap Shots That People Will Never Forget

Winston Churchill, in his younger years, liked to drink. One time, when he was drunk at a party, a woman was very disapproving of his behavior. She said to him, "If I were your wife, I'd poison your coffee." Churchill replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."

When a couple of Frenchmen turned away from the Duke of Wellington at a diplomatic event, a woman apologized to him for their behavior. He responded by saying "I have seen their backs before, madam."

Benjamin Disraeli and a lord of sandwich, not sure which one:

"I do not know whether you shall die on the gallows or of the pox."

"That depends whether I embrace your morals or your mistress"

"Shortly before World War I, the German Kaiser was the guest of the Swiss government to observe military maneuvers. The Kaiser asked a Swiss militiaman: 'You are 500,000 and you shoot well, but if we attack with 1,000,000 men what will you do?' The soldier replied: 'We will shoot twice and go home.'"

Phillip II if Macedon: “If I invade Laconia (Sparta) you will be destroyed, never to rise again.”

Sparta: “If”

After invading southern Greece and receiving the submission of other key city-states, Philip II of Macedon sent a message to Sparta: "If I invade Laconia you will be destroyed, never to rise again."

The Spartan ephors replied with a single word: "If".

Subsequently, neither Philip nor his son Alexander the Great attempted to capture the city. Philip is also recorded as approaching Sparta on another occasion and asking whether he should come as friend or foe; the reply was "Neither".

This one comes from a really unlikely source.

A reporter once asked Mahatma Gandhi, "What do you think of western civilization?" He replies, "I think it would be a good idea."

I don't know if it can be considered a roast, but I always enjoyed the story of President Coolidge at a dinner party. Coolidge was known to be a man of few words and so the woman next to him informed him that she had bet someone she could get more than two words out of him, to which he replied "You lose."

Stalin was angry at Tito, the ruler of Yugoslavia, because Tito refused to join the Warsaw pact. In retaliation, Stalin sent a number of Soviet assassins to try to kill Tito, all of which were unsuccessful.

In a letter to Stalin, Tito wrote this:

"Stop sending people to kill me. We've already captured five of them...If you don't stop sending killers, I'll send a very fast working one to Moscow. And I certainly won't have to send another."

Josip Broz Tito? More like Josip Brass Balls Tito.

When France demanded that all US soldiers get off of French soil, and LBJ asked, "Does that include the ones buried at Normandy?"

Edit: President Lyndon B Johnson. Not Lebron James

TL;DR Husband gets killed, wife decides to literally burn an entire village to the ground.

Nah, you're not explaining it brutally enough.

Her husband gets killed by members of a tribe, the Drevlians.

Since she's now ruler (until her son is an adult, 10-15 years away), the Drevlian leaders ask her to marry their Prince.

She buries the 20 messengers alive.

She send a messenger to accept the proposal, and asks the Drevlians to send their best and brightest to accompany her on her travel to the Prince's location.

They arrive, and she burns them to death in a bathhouse she had prepared for them after their long journey.

She invites a bunch of remaining dignitaries to a feast in her husband's mourning, gets them and their retinues drunk, and has her soldiers slaughter the lot.

She makes her way around the country and basically ruins all their settlements. The Drevlians, being utterly screwed at this point and after a long seige, offer to buy her off with honey and furs. She instead asks for pigeons and sparrows, not wanting to "leave the poor peasants with nothing".

She instructs her soldiers to render the birds inflammable, tying pieces of sulfur or kindling to them, and then releases them near the Drevlian Capital City of Iskorosten at dusk. Being birds, they all return home to roost for the night. She then sets the city alight, and razes it with thousands of burning birds carrying her payload. Her soldiers capture those who try to flee, kill a bunch, turn some into slaves, and order the rest to pay tribute to their new Queen.

TL;DR - Don't kill a King and then ask the Queen to marry your Prince.

During the elections of 1800, Thomas Jefferson hired a newspaper editor named James Calendar to write and publish the mist vile things about his opponent, John Adams, including "Adams had a hideous, hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman."

This letter sent by the Cleveland Browns to one of their season ticket holders.
Dude complained about paper airplanes and sent a letter into the Browns. They responded with "I feel you should be aware some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters."

Mozart didn’t like this singer so much that he wrote a piece for her with high and low notes constantly because he noticed that when she hit low notes her chin went to her chest and when she hit high notes her head would fling back. So it was like she was bobbing like a chicken

In China there was the war of the three kingdoms. The Wei, Shu, and Wu.

Two of their armies met in battle and the smaller was out of arrows. They were separated by a river. One night, the leader of the smaller army stocked the front of their boats/rafts with straw bales and moved toward the opposing army over the river. They were immediately hailed with arrows. The men ducked behind the straw while the arrows stuck in the straw, undamaged. They then sailed away and yelled.

"We thank you for the arrows, we will return them shortly!"

This may just be a tall tale from Romance of the Three Kingdoms but it may be true.

Stephen Hawking was in an interview, when a cord was unplugged, and alarm went off (this was before he was completely immobile), and he slumped in his chair. The people interviewing him were scared out of their minds, until they realized that he was alright, and chuckling at his joke. The cord and alarm were for a computer.

Gilles Corey. A farmer caught up in the Salem witch trials, he was sentenced to "pressing" (being slowly crushed by stones) to force him to make a plea.

Every time he was questioned, he simply said "More weight".

He died without making a plea.

Steve Wilhite

He invented the gif, then he won a Webby Award for it. Webby Award speeches are only allowed to be five words long. He went up and said "it's pronounced JIF, not GIF."

Jod himself could come down and tell me that, I wouldn't believe it. It's GIF. Forever. Bye.

The guy who opened a fake no 1 restaurant in London using Google reviews and his back garden and shed with microwave meals.

In the 30s-40s BBC did an April fools broadcast where they told people how spaghetti was made... on trees. They literally showed fake spaghetti trees and since not many people in that time knew how spaghetti was made, lots of people believed it.