Dating someone from a different background can teach us things about the world we might never learn on our own. It's hard to say whether these lessons will make or break a particular couple, but they almost always reveal one important truth: even those who love us and want the very best for us can look at family, religion, money, and other parts of life in ways we simply do not. So when a post on the subreddit r/AskTheWorld invited those in international relationships to share the culture shocks they've experienced with their partners, it got plenty of insightful replies. Here are the most memorable ones.
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#1
My dad comes to the airport we pick him up, we were talking (Spanish) my husband (American) said please stop fighting with your dad, he just arrived. We were just talking.
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64points
#2
I've dated multiple Japanese men (one at a time, of course :)) and all of them expected me to cook for them. Not living together so I think cooking should be shared. Not just dinner though - lunches to take to work too.
I don't think so.
theunquietloop:
Japan is highly misogynistic. People don’t have that notion.
I don't think so.
theunquietloop:
Japan is highly misogynistic. People don’t have that notion.
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60points
After interviewing 10,000 couples in 110 countries, bestselling author of 'Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage,' Fawn Weaver, has identified six practices that happy partners share.
The first one is putting your marriage before children. "This is controversial but it was a common denominator among these couples," said Weaver. "According to them, it was just common sense," adding that as children leave for college and begin a family of their own, parents risk being left with an emptied nest akin to "an overdrawn bank account."
According to Weaver, the topic of intimacy only came up once in passing during her myriad interviews with international couples. "We place a lot of stock in this one thing but these couples made it clear [that] if you take care of the relationship, this will take care of itself," she explained.
#3
I married an Egyptian. I am Dutch, and grew up believing that mutual trust is essential in a relationship. Which made my spouse insecure about my love for him, because according to his values distrust and jealousy are the love language. So why would I not be angry at him if he had a friendly conversation with women?! Did I not care about him?! Vice versa, his distrust and jealousy drove me nuts. Needless to say, the marriage did not last.
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57points
#4
My sisters husband (then bf, and Swedish) took my (portuguese) mom's "eat some more" as a question and said "no thanks"... 😅
My Swedish dad looked at him with compassion as he has already done this mistake way in the past.
My Swedish dad looked at him with compassion as he has already done this mistake way in the past.
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53points
#5
I’m Dutch, my wife is from Venezuela.
When we were just dating her friends came over to my place. And at one point my girlfriend asked; when am I going to start dinner? And my answer was “after the guests leave”.
In her culture it’s normal you make dinner for your guests. In my culture “we are starting dinner” is a signal to your guests that it’s time to go.
So she was upset I wouldn’t cook for her friends, but I was actually trying to be polite, saying that the guests don’t need to leave yet.
When we were just dating her friends came over to my place. And at one point my girlfriend asked; when am I going to start dinner? And my answer was “after the guests leave”.
In her culture it’s normal you make dinner for your guests. In my culture “we are starting dinner” is a signal to your guests that it’s time to go.
So she was upset I wouldn’t cook for her friends, but I was actually trying to be polite, saying that the guests don’t need to leave yet.
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51points
Weaver also found that spirituality can be an effective stabilizer. While "the couples may not have all agreed on who or what they believe God to be, all believed in a higher power," said Weaver. "They had a healthy fear of disappointing that higher power in relation to their spouses."
Similarly, a report in the Journal of Family Psychology found that, among 120 couples studied, celebrating religious holidays together had helped cement and re-establish their beliefs over the years and further strengthen their marriages.
#6
I took my British husband to the US for the first time a few weeks ago and he was SHOCKED by the advertisements everywhere. The anti abortion billboards, the find Jesus billboards, and the personal injury lawyer billboards in particular. We both know each other’s culture pretty well so there hasn’t been many things we’ve been surprised by.
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49points
#7
Engaged to a Malaysian.
The misogyny and oppression of women in Malaysia feels far more intense than anything I could have imagined coming from Europe.
This includes serious violations of women’s bodily autonomy, such as FGM, as well as colorism, body-shaming, strict regulation of clothing, the sexualization of every small part of women’s bodies, and the enforcement of misogynistic Islamic laws with no freedom to leave Islam.
In Malaysia, women are often treated as secondary to men, as sidekicks, servants expected to obey. Anyone who does not fit the ideal of being submissive, pale, thin, modestly dressed, and opinionless can quickly feel society’s hostility.
I can't imagine raising a daugther there.
The misogyny and oppression of women in Malaysia feels far more intense than anything I could have imagined coming from Europe.
This includes serious violations of women’s bodily autonomy, such as FGM, as well as colorism, body-shaming, strict regulation of clothing, the sexualization of every small part of women’s bodies, and the enforcement of misogynistic Islamic laws with no freedom to leave Islam.
In Malaysia, women are often treated as secondary to men, as sidekicks, servants expected to obey. Anyone who does not fit the ideal of being submissive, pale, thin, modestly dressed, and opinionless can quickly feel society’s hostility.
I can't imagine raising a daugther there.
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47points
#8
I’m a Papua New Guinean/Australian married to an American. There’s been plenty of culture shocks but the biggest one for me is just how much Americans (not my husband but others) will pick their political party over people they know and love.
45points
But non-religious rituals can also enhance romance. From drinking coffee together in the morning to having a cocktail every night before dinner, each of the happy couples interviewed maintained a ritual for decades. "[This is] something that is just for the two of them and they maintain it every day," said Weaver.
Successful couples do not view divorce as an option. Or, as Weaver puts it, "there was no Plan B. Each couple decided at the outset that they would subtract divorce from the equation," she added. "This led to a much greater level of patience with each other."
And the number one answer to a happy marriage, according to Weaver's extensive survey, is mutual respect. Even if that respect extends to the need to sleep in separate beds!
#9
Answering for my New Yorker husband. When we moved to Estonia he was shocked by how quiet everything is.
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44points
#10
No one else can take my German directness, and for me it's hard to understand other cultures' indirect communication. I literally only started to understand it after studying (English) linguistics at university and taking classes on politeness, lol. For example, to many Germans it's actually somewhat annoying when someone says "wow, it's getting cold in here" when they mean "could you close the window". It's perceived as kind of passive-aggressive. Another example is my (French) ex was often shocked when I just answered truthfully, like "how's the food?" - "it's good, thanks". He expected more praise and exuberance a lot of the time.
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43points
#11
So I am French married to a Dutch guy and have been living in the Netherlands for a decade.
Bear in mind, I am a southerner so my culture is all about hospitality. When I think of biggest shock would of course be food.
I remember the first time eating at my in-laws, where the meal was basically bread (bad one) and all kind of dips, cheese and such plus milk as an actual beverage. This was my first actual Dutch lunch, because although my husband is a nederrlander he loves cooking.
I was thinking the whole time, is that just an apéritive? Where is the real food? Is it coming?
Well no 🤣. First time my husband visited my family he gained weight after one week of my mum over feeding him and asking him on a regular basis if he had eaten enough.
I still can’t get used to that transactional food culture.
Another one which I use a lot because it would have gotten me banned from my family had I ever did it to them :
Invited by brother in law for a home dinner. We bring some food and wine (good one). Food is good, we leave happy and then my husband happens to receive a tikkie (basically a payment link) to pay for our part of food from his brother.
My culture would never allow this, you invite; you host, you feed the guest until he can’t walk anymore.
Bear in mind, I am a southerner so my culture is all about hospitality. When I think of biggest shock would of course be food.
I remember the first time eating at my in-laws, where the meal was basically bread (bad one) and all kind of dips, cheese and such plus milk as an actual beverage. This was my first actual Dutch lunch, because although my husband is a nederrlander he loves cooking.
I was thinking the whole time, is that just an apéritive? Where is the real food? Is it coming?
Well no 🤣. First time my husband visited my family he gained weight after one week of my mum over feeding him and asking him on a regular basis if he had eaten enough.
I still can’t get used to that transactional food culture.
Another one which I use a lot because it would have gotten me banned from my family had I ever did it to them :
Invited by brother in law for a home dinner. We bring some food and wine (good one). Food is good, we leave happy and then my husband happens to receive a tikkie (basically a payment link) to pay for our part of food from his brother.
My culture would never allow this, you invite; you host, you feed the guest until he can’t walk anymore.
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42points
#12
I had an american boyfriend. Once his Dog left a ball on his neighbors property (suburb of LA). And he was scared and didn’t retrieve it, because his neighbor might shoot him. Completely absurd to me.
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39points
#13
I'm your typical happy-go-lucky French-Canadian. My husband is Icelandic and we've been living in Iceland for several years. My biggest culture shock has been the flagrant lack of communication and sharing of emotions. I think this also goes for most of Scandinavia from everything I've heard, but please correct me if I'm wrong.
My husband would probably rather pass away than talk to a stranger and especially if it means voicing dissatisfaction. For example, let's say we're eating in a restaurant and he requested a medium-rare steak. His steak comes back very well done. He'd never address the server about it. He'd rather live in resentment forever and never come back to that place.
That and being able to name emotions. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm disappointed..... Very difficult indeed.
My husband would probably rather pass away than talk to a stranger and especially if it means voicing dissatisfaction. For example, let's say we're eating in a restaurant and he requested a medium-rare steak. His steak comes back very well done. He'd never address the server about it. He'd rather live in resentment forever and never come back to that place.
That and being able to name emotions. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm disappointed..... Very difficult indeed.
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39points
#14
British pestering I call it.
It goes like this:
‘Would you like some tea?’
‘Oh no, but thank you’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah, I am sure, thanks hun’
‘Are you sure? I am making one, it is not a problem’
‘No, I really don’t want any tea’
‘Are you sure sure’
‘As I have stated before, I do not want any tea’
‘Gee, you don’t have to be so snappy’
The way it rolls in Eastern Europe:
‘You want tea?’
‘No’
It goes like this:
‘Would you like some tea?’
‘Oh no, but thank you’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah, I am sure, thanks hun’
‘Are you sure? I am making one, it is not a problem’
‘No, I really don’t want any tea’
‘Are you sure sure’
‘As I have stated before, I do not want any tea’
‘Gee, you don’t have to be so snappy’
The way it rolls in Eastern Europe:
‘You want tea?’
‘No’
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38points
#15
Expat Brit in America here: The absolute rage she had when I didn’t leave a tip for a surly, completely useless waitress. Apparently getting free money is a right, and not a privilege.
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36points
#16
My Japanese ex really struggled to accept that I had male friends with whom I had purely platonic relationships. He also really struggled to accept that my friends group and I would travel together as a mixed group and all share one hostel room or family room in a hotel to save money.
I struggled with how hard it was for him to express his true feelings and opinions. I constantly had to "read the room".
I struggled with how hard it was for him to express his true feelings and opinions. I constantly had to "read the room".
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35points
#17
In Canada, it’s common for me to hang out with my married friends as couples. I am friends with my friend’s partner as well. My wife is Japanese and in her culture, you don’t really hang out if be friends with your friends partner. Heck they don’t even have a thing of +1 at weddings. They just invite the friend to the wedding and they go alone. I find it really weird.
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35points
#18
I’m from the Caribbean, white sand beaches, turquoise waters. In our first month together as a married couple in Germany my husband said we were going to the “beach”. I was so excited! He took me to a clearing by the Rhine with some stones and dark, dangerous looking water. There were people actually laying around and sunbathing there. He looked so proud that he could take me to this “beach” too, I did my best to mask my shock and disappointment.
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34points
#19
German married to a South African here
South Africans kiss each other on the mouth, like a little peck, as a greeting. Imagine my surprise when I went for his mom's cheek and got her lips instead.
South Africans kiss each other on the mouth, like a little peck, as a greeting. Imagine my surprise when I went for his mom's cheek and got her lips instead.
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33points
#20
My husband is from North Macedonia. The price of healthcare has been a huge shock for him. Learning about health and car insurance. Credit scores. The size of the country. The size of Chicago. For a while, I think he was in a constant state of shock.
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33points