30 Times Dad Surpassed All Expectations: "One Time My Dad..."

One time my dad defended my honor in the form of a snowball fight/m******e, which I didn't learn about until nearly a decade later.

I was maybe 7 or 8 years old walking home from my friend's house after enjoying a snow day sledding around in her hilly backyard. Apparently the neighborhood boys around my age (I am girl) spent their day building a fort structure. I remember stopping briefly to admire it, but no kids in sight. Oh well, I turn and continue walking home. Suddenly about 5 boys popped out the back of the fort and pummelled the s**t out of me with snowballs. I guess they also spent the day stocking ammunition and awaiting the perfect passing victim.

They really f****d my s**t up. I am a stupidly petite adult and thusly, was a really tiny little girl and these dumb boys really didn't understand that they were going too far. I was down on the ground and still getting nailed snowball after snowball mostly in the head/face area. After the initial shock, I made efforts to block the shots with my snow saucer and finally got on my feet to run. They followed me until they ran out of projectiles and retreated. Relieved, I stop running and was just SO upset, I was barely even walking. Just dragging my feet, crying, trying to wipe my face with big stupid bulky gloves.

Then my dad's car pulls up next to me. He had gone to work that day, despite the snow, and had just pulled into the neighborhood.

"Hey kid, need a ride?"

So yeah, I get in the car and he sees I've been crying. At first I wouldn't tell him why I was upset, because I was embarrassed and didn't want to be a tattle tale. Once we pulled into the driveway though, he wouldn't let me out of the car until I told him what was up. After my explanation he told me to go inside and get washed up for dinner, that he'll be inside in a few minutes.

Ok, so time warp to 10 years later. I was planning a big high school graduation cookout at our house and I was inviting all the kids from the neighborhood. A couple of those boys from the snowball incident told me they didn't really feel comfortable hanging out at my parent's house, to which I'm like dafuq are you talking about? These boys then lay out this tale: On that fateful Snow D-Day, my dad drove back to the kid's fort and screamed at all of them to come out or he would call their parents. Once all the boys were lined up, Dad - still in his suit and tie - demolished their fort. Kicked the s**t all down. Then from the rubble he made big a*s man-sized snowballs and made sure each kid got a violent face full of their precious fort.

F**k yeah, Dad.

... I'm glad I had an opportunity to tell this story right at this moment. My Dad is in the hospital tonight after a super terrifying heart issue/fainting episode this morning and we're just waiting for more information... and trying not to lose my mind.

One time my dad waited till my 3 siblings and I had gone to bed on Christmas Eve, then he shouted "I don't care who you are fat man, get that sled off my roof." We were all up and telling Dad not to yell at Santa.

One time my dad scared the p**s out of a guy that wouldn't take no for an answer

I got pretty much peer pressured onto going on a double date with a guy I hated and I had told him I hated him. We both worked at the local fast food joint. I was fresh out of high school and naive and felt like I had to be nice. He asked me out in a way that put me on the spot too, on his day off in the middle of my shift he showed up dressed like he was going to a wedding brought me a bunch of flowers and asked me in the middle of a lunch rush mortifying me and everyone started chanting say yes. I agreed and ran out on my shift crying and feeling like I couldn't back out.

It was painfully obvious during and after the date I was not interested. He kept calling me, texting me, leaving me threatening and weird voicemails. He even drove by my house a few times. My parents noticing my change in mood asked me what was up and I told them and played them the voicemails

My dad asked me when we next had the same shift I told him

My dad came to the restaurant after his factory shift. My dad is a big dude and looks scary, especially covered in grease and wearing a uniform

My dad bust into the restaurant, gives me a hug, asks me "where is the son of the b***h" everyone is frozen in place, and slack jawed, anyone that knew my dad knew him as a goofy kind guy so they were just in awe of this whirlwind that had bust in the door. I pointed to the kitchen and this dopey mother f****r looks like he is going to p**s his pants

My dad points right at him and says LEAVE MY DAUGHTER THE F**K ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL.

Tells me he loves me and mom is cooking dinner. Waves to some of my friends he knows and walks out the door like nothing ever happens.

That guy went on break and never came back. And he never bothered me again.

I am a Bengali, and as all good Bengalis, we went to see tigers in north bengal. (Spoiler alert: no tigers). After one pretty disappointing day of missing two elephant herds and seeing no wild cat, much less a tiger, we stop at a dried up river bed. We are f-ing tired, the sun is setting, the peacocks are screaming, the usual. Suddenly , we hear a growl. Monkeys are going nuts. The tell tale sign of a tiger nearby. The guide tells us to rush to our jeeps. We oblige, but just before boarding, I see my dad smirking, HARD. After an hour of waiting, we see no tigers and head home. The next morning, while everyone is freaking out over the growl, dad pulls me aside and says that it was a burp. A f*****g burp. So I can proudly say that once my dad burped so hard the jungle thought it was a tiger.

One time my dad saw I was in a really low mood so he walked into my room, grabbed my trash Hatsune Miku wig and my swim goggles, put them both on and followed me around for a solid ten minutes, completely nonchalant, to make me laugh. Imagine, if you will, a large imposing black man wearing a teal pig-tailed wig and goggles so old they're turning brown, causally making himself a sandwich.

One time my dad's fart smelled so bad my dog threw up.

One time my dad ripped a HUMONGOUS fart and killled all the power in the neighborhood. Literally, PHHHT...dark.

Spoiler: We later found out that someone had hit a pole further up the line at that EXACT moment.

It made perfect sense to us kids. Dad's an electrician, and has DEADLY farts. PHHHT...dark.

Now I use this as an example that correlation is not causation.

This was a few years back but, my dad really got into my pot brownies. Only way I know this is because I woke up in the middle of the night to him putting baby socks on my dog. His only statement was, "Dog's shouldn't have cold feet."

My dad was a fireman and picked me up from school in a fire engine once.

One time my dad took me to my college orientation back in 98. I grew up in an urban setting and wanted to mix it up so I decided on an undergrad school in a very rural area. Read: Not a lot of diversity.

My dad is the best and always wants to goof around. We had this jeep growing up that we called "Little Blackie" because it was...little and black. A running joke was that any time any of us in the family saw a similar looking jeep, one of us would yell "hey! Look! It's little blackie!"

Bet you see where this is going.

We are walking around campus and sure enough, there was a jeep parked within sight. My dad starts yelling...Hey! Look! Little Blackie!! LITTLE BLACKIE!!!

OF COURSE the ONLY African American kid on campus was walking RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. My dad was oblivious and kept right on yelling. The poor kid looked at me in disgust and I was so very mortified. I wanted to disappear.

I ended up becoming really good friends with him later in my freshman year and after I explained the whole story he laughed super hard. Thank goodness. I still cringe thinking about it though.

One time, my older brother and I were helping my dad cut down some trees in the backyard and the chainsaw kind of stuck and my dad yanked it out a little too hard and hit my brother's leg. We all froze and looked at his jeans...which had 4 or so perfectly spaced holes...but no blood. He had managed to hit my brother's pants, but didn't get in far enough to hit flesh.

The next words out of his mouth were pretty obvious. "Don't tell your mother!" And we still haven't 20+ years later.

This is a dark story, but I still want to tell it because it really means something to me.

After my mom and dad got married, my dad would often come home late at night, very drunk. Almost every night he would be too drunk to function. My dad never thought twice about his alcoholism until my mother went into labor for the first time, and he was so drunk my mom had to call our next door neighbor to drive my mom to a hospital. My dad was too drunk to drive his wife to a hospital to give birth to his own son.

Since that moment, he has never touched a beer.

One time my dad was an absolute bad a*s working from 5 in the morning till at least 6 at night on the family farm. Every day of the week, every week of the year for 40 years. My dad's always been a super hero to me.

About 5 years ago, my dad accidentally cut three of his fingers off in our garage with a saw. My niece was only like 5 months old at the time, so growing up, she's never seen my dad with all of his digits. Anyway, when she was about 2 1/2, she noticed that one of his hands was different. So, one day she asked him "Grandpoppy, what happened to your fingers?" My dad looked down at his hand all shocked and said "Someone stole them!!" Her face had the look of pure horror, and she screamed, "Who stole your fingers?" My dad looked at my mom and said, "Granmommy stole them!" My niece ran up to my mom and started beating on her legs, searching her jeans pockets to give back her grandpoppy's fingers. My dad, man.

One day, my dad answered the door in his underwear at 8am. The salesman was obviously weirded out. After he left, my mom was mortified and asked why he did that. My dad said "If these people don't want a show, they shouldn't come for the matinee.".

According to my grandmother, my dad, on his first day of school back in the 60s came home all smiles and laughter.

The next day when my grandmother awoke him for his second day of school he matter-of-factly replied:

"No I've already been to school."

He really thought school was something like the dentist or innoculations where you only have to go the once and that's it lol.

One time we went to Universal Studios and my dad took me on The Hulk roller coaster even though he knew it would make him sick. I was afraid of coasters at that point and he sacrificed himself because he knew I would never go on the ride without him. When we got off his face was completely colorless and his stomach was done working correctly for the rest of the day, but I loved the roller coaster.

One time I was in another room and the phone rang. I hear my dad answer the phone when a telemarketer called, and they asked if he wants his ductwork cleaned. He said, yes, I would love to have my ducks cleaned. QUACK QUACK....QUACK QUACK... and then just hangs up on the guy.

I pray this doesn't get buried. Once my dad got so drunk he stole a Shetland pony and tried to keep it in the kitchen.

My mum went ballistic while my dad was trying to feed the pony carrots.

So we were having a family dinner over the summer & my sister had been at a BBQ the day before & the host gave her a big bowl of fruit salad to take home.

We're sitting there having dinner & my dad is staring at the fruit salad with this weird look on his face & he says "What are these little blue things?" While holding up a blueberry.

We were like "how the f**k do you not know what a blueberry is?" Then realized my mom hates blueberries so dude hasn't seen a blueberry in 45 years & forgot they existed.