Not all friendships are created equal… even if they might feel like they are, at first glance. At its core, true friendship is all about a deep respect for each other, uncompromising loyalty, constant support, mutual sacrifice, and a give-and-take dynamic. Real friends will always have your back.
However, this kind of platonic love means that you have your BFF’s best interests at heart. And that sometimes means telling them uncomfortable truths, instead of parroting just what they want to hear.
On the flip side of the scale, you have fake or fairweather friends, who are out for themselves and only spend time with you when it’s convenient for them.
They’re only ever around you when things are good, don’t reciprocate favors, don’t have your best interest at heart, are unreliable, constantly cancel plans at the last minute, and can’t be counted on for emotional and other support.
When things get tough, they’re nowhere to be found! And their list of excuses for why they can’t help you feels endless.
According to psychotherapist and author Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, you shouldn’t blame yourself if your friend doesn’t have time for you. What’s more, you should match the energy that your friend gives you so that you don’t feel misled about the nature of your connection.
And it can be a real struggle to end friendships that don’t work for you if you were, for example, raised to be a family caregiver.
As per Gillis’ post on Psychology Today, it becomes an issue if your friendship is one-sided, and you rely on the other person, but don’t get the same energy back.
This leads to resentment on both sides.
Instead of pouring all of your energy into connecting with someone who doesn’t want to do the same, you should redirect it into forming and strengthening new friendships instead.
What’s more, you should do your best not to take things personally. Moreover, don’t start blaming yourself or your fairweather friends for behaving the way they do.
Not every person is malicious, even if they’re a lukewarm friend.
“Perhaps something is going on in their lives, or perhaps they just need some space and are unable to articulate this. But this is not your responsibility to fix, nor is it your responsibility to wait around,” Gillis explains.
Some friendships aren’t just ‘meh.’ They can be actively bad for you. According to Verywell Mind, some of the biggest red flags that your friend is toxic are if they:
- Behave selfishly, focusing exclusively on their needs
- Constantly criticize you and always have something negative to say
- Are incredibly competitive and act jealous when something good happens to you
- Bring you down, making you feel worse after spending time with them
- Manipulate and gaslight you
- Are untrustworthy, gossiping about you, and sharing your secrets
- Live for the drama and are narcissistic
- Are insincere, and their actions don’t match their words
- Are unreliable and flaky
- Isolate you from your family, friends, and significant other
Meanwhile, as per WebMD, bad friends are stressful and exhausting to be around, are overly competitive, encourage unhealthy behaviors, like to start fights, are rude, gossip a lot, bully others, and are mean or degrade others.
