71 Stories From Bartenders That Sound Too Crazy To Be Real

Not a rumor, but my almost 80 year old customer said “My wife said I need hearing aids. I asked her why and she said, BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HEAR THE SAFE WORD!” Thanks for the laugh, John.

What happens a lot while working in bars is that you overhear small snippets of conversation that sound really weird taken out of context. Stuff like:
- The best way to steal eggs is to pretend that they are something else..
- The dogs wouldn't stand a chance against Bruce Springsteen in his prime...
- I don't know if she can swim, but she bought sandals in the 90s...

I usually entertain myself making up stories about these conversations.

Not a rumor, but last night I got to listen to a middle aged German foreign national explain to a middle aged, American couple the parallels between his country’s history and our own country’s current events. Once the conversation steered towards WW2 history I had to step away or else it would’ve been obvious I was eavesdropping!

A customer is on the phone in the middle of the bar, not too crowded but a long bar. Guy couldn't have been more than 25. I go to help someone at the end of the bar and on my way back I overhear:

"No, I don't care! She's my sister, she is THIRTEEN and there is no reason she should be doing illegal substances! At all!"

Gave him a few drinks on the house that night.

A woman was planning her dog’s birthday party, and was debating which dogs to invite since some of the dogs didn’t get along with her dog.

Back when you kept a news paper on the bar...

Guy walks in and goes straight for the paper. Looks in one section then the other. Places paper down.

I asked him if he found what he was looking for, and he said no. His ex isn’t passed away or in jail. Then he asked for a beer.

The owls are not what they seem.

I overheard two doctors at my bar discussing how they only treat symptoms and never the actual problem anymore. If they do try to treat the problem, they get red taped by insurance companies or reprimanded by the hospital itself.

Not a bartender but a bouncer. We have been getting a TON of reeeeally good fake ids to the point where a lot of the ones I get I am just guessing. Like perfect indistinguishable from real ids in every way. I heard from the older college kids that apparently AI is changing the fake id industry big time.

I've heard discussions on if my chest is real.

Listened to a couple in an open marriage and apparently bi scout out the picking for the evening.

Listened to tons of people telling their SO that they were working late. One guy even met a date later.

Listened to a couple have a very intense whispered argument about custody. I assumed a kid. Turned out to be a cat.

Listened to a couple guys plan how to rob me.

Bartending was fun I miss it sometimes.

Had a nurse telling his colleagues that vegan meats are going to cause huge societal problems because they are structurally the same as human meat. And apparently once people acquire the taste for human meat, it’s an insatiable hunger they can never let go of and are going to naturally desire eating other humans.

I hope to never see him on his working hours.

Two businessmen having after work drinks on a Friday, where the conversation built up to one of the sweetest sentiments I've heard.

At first the usual "Lemme tell ya, you're a good person. I love you man."

Later on (still fairly basic): "F the wives! Hey, you and me, we buy motorcycles!"

To finally this gem: "If a tornado were to blow you away... I would fly after you.".

One time I walked out to the patio to have a smoke break into three people all talking very drunkenly but also very seriously about theoretical physics.

I will tell you the strangest thing that's happened to me.

I cut someone off because they were pissed.

That person returned hours later while we were closing.

I said "sorry mate you're not getting a drink, I've already cut you off"

"Oh is that right?"

"Yeh it is"

"Well then" and he precedes to pull out a cooked fillet of chicken from his pocket and puts in on the bar and leaves without saying another word.

Dumbfounded, me and my mate carefully pick up the cooked chicken fillet, it was cold. So this lunatic has gone home and cooked a chicken fillet then put it into his fridge on the intention of later placing it onto our bartop as some sort of "horse head in the bed" kind of revenge.

We still have no bloody idea what he was doing.

I’ve bartended but my favourite conversation was overhead while I was on the other side of the bar.
“Look all I’m saying is Grand Theft Auto severely ruined our generations perception of how many police helicopters exist”
Sounded like they were getting really heated over the matter haha.

No joke January 2020 i was bartending a conference for Doctor’s and heard some talking about “something happening over in China” and hoping for it to make its way over here to get it over with.

“They’re giving us (POCs) cancer in coffee. We should only drink pure hot water with lemon” [proceeds to drink multiple D’usse margaritas with Grand Marnier floaters].

Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.

“There’ll be handcuffs, bagels and, streamers, my kind of party”.

Randomly overheard two middle aged women,

'as a woman ages she can choose between her face or her bum, but she cant choose both'

I have no idea.