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Sundy Gilchrist, a relationship coach and founder of Sublime Relationships, explained that we often turn a blind eye in those early days of a relationship. "Two things tend to happen when we first meet someone and take those first steps into increased intimacy with them," she told Bored Panda.
"One is that we tend to be on our best behavior and behave in ways that we think the other wants, so it ends up with two people wearing masks and pretending." When the facades finally come off, and the real person steps out from behind the pretense, "it can be a shock to find that the person you fell in love with was just a story."
Another thing that often happens in new relationships is that the "love drug" takes over and "can have us in a mild to severe obsessive-like state with a lack of appetite, sleep, concentration, and an overwhelming desire to be with the focus of our desire, sometimes to the exclusion of all else," Gilchrist said.
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Dude is either married or has kids
Just to clarify some stuff
I don't believe age gaps are bad, my friend is very mature for her age, but I'd never date my boss.
We also managed to get in touch with Katherine Baldwin, a love, dating and relationships coach, and the author of How to Fall in Love. She told us that one reason why we miss, overlook, or even override red flags when we do spot them is simply that we’re too excited.
"Our hormones are all fired up and it's easy to let our passion and our desire for the relationship to succeed to blind us to the other person's less-than-ideal qualities or any red flags," she said. "That's why it's so important to date in a healthy, grounded way, with our eyes wide open, instead of dating with a deep craving."
Negative behaviors can turn an apparently romantic relationship into an ugly partnership if they are ignored. And the deeper you get, the more painful it might become. "Red flags we miss or overlook at the start of a relationship will always be there, and unless they're addressed and resolved, they can develop into serious issues that sabotage the relationship, causing hurt and heartache," Baldwin argued.
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Gilchrist added that control can be one such red flag. "Control of another, often has its roots in feelings of insecurity, sometimes manifesting as jealousy and possessiveness," she said. "What can initially look and feel like care, attention, devotion, togetherness and belonging, can change into realizing that you have no say, no freedom, and feel controlled to some greater or lesser degree," she explained.
Luckily, our friends and family are on the lookout for such harmful behaviors. But our affection for another person can be so strong that we might disregard their warnings. "It can be very painful to hear criticism and judgments of someone we have fallen in love with, and love can indeed 'make us blind' to their behaviors," Gilchrist told us.
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Sometimes, our minds play tricks on us and convince us we can change our loved ones, or that they are going through a phase, or give them some other excuse to explain away their behavior, she argued. "If more than one person, who you know loves you, is saying the same thing about your partner, then it’s time to take notice of that, as painful as it may be."
Baldwin agrees it's a good idea to take on board what our friends and family members are saying about the relationship. "They have our best interests at heart and can often see red flags that we are oblivious to because we're so caught up in the thrill of the relationship."
"Of course, it's important to make our own decisions, so listen to other people's advice and then listen to yourself, to your truth, to your intuition. In order to do so, you will need to come down off the pink cloud and see the relationship for what it is rather than look at it through rose-tinted spectacles," she added.
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*Edit: We're in Canada and age of consent is 16. Still f*****g gross.
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I immediately knew his new girlfriend didn't like me from the looks she would give me or how blunt she was when I tried to engage her in conversation.
they are now married and have two kids. I wasn't invited to his stag night or his wedding I was (and still am, gutted)
I agreed to meet at a play area so his daughters could tag along and go play and he got to meet my son (who is named after his brother who passed away)
I sat there for an hour before he messaged me to say he wasn't coming.
I don't believe he is happy, but I don't know enough about his relationship to pass comment.
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To avoid finding yourself in similar situations, the love coach advised you to write a list of potential red flags to know what to look out for. Baldwin suggested taking some time to understand yourself and your relationship behaviors. That way, you can break unhealthy patterns and establish new ones, "So that you can fall for emotionally available people rather than unavailable people, for example."
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She ultimately took him back and things seemed to stabilize. 3 more children and many years passed without incident.
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Once the love glasses fall off and you end the relationship because of your partner’s negative qualities, you may end up with another person that showcases the exact same red flags. "This shows us the personal growth work to do," Gilchrist said and added it might be wise to seek help from professionals.
"We tend to think that the other person is the one with the problem and needs to change, and whilst this might be indeed true, what’s truer is we need to change too if we are to have a great relationship where red flags get to be used as indicators for transformation, rather than just things to look out for and avoid," she said.
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