32 People Get Candid About Their Arranged Marriages, And The Answers Are Eye-Opening

Lmao also a throwaway

So I'm American, my boyfriend is from Nepal- his family expects him to get married to a nice Nepali girl from his caste. He had been perfectly fine with that idea until he met me. He always figured he'd study in the US, get a job, maybe move to the US maybe not, and then when he's ready his parents will find him someone. He had never been too concerned with dating/girls. Until I came around.

We've been dating a little over a year and his parents still don't know I exist. He was going to tell them until, lo and behold! His sister has an American boyfriend she wants to marry! And her parents took it worse than expected and threatened to disown her if she marries him. The parents say they will find her a man just like her boyfriend- because he's perfect except for the fact he's not Nepali.

However, his older sister found her own boyfriend, who is Nepali and approached her parents and they "arranged" the marriage. And their romance was a rather modern one, they lived together before getting married.

So yeah me and my boyfriend are living in limbo right now- we've only been dating a year and I'm still in school so obviously we don't know if we ever want to get married but I also hate lying to his parents like this.

Potentially not the traditional or even frequently seen examples. But my cousins and an aunt were all married off through arranged marriages by their mothers or my grandmother. Basically, from what I remembered since I was involved in my aunt's many attempted arrangements, a matchmaker would show up and basically give grandma and aunt a photo book of guys with details like age, where he lived, occupation, his family background, number of family members, if he were the oldest/youngest in the family. Grandmother would pick one or two and the entire family would troop off to go meet him and his family. As a kid I just loved the excursions. Aunt ultimately settled for the one guy she could tolerate, he's soft spoken and bends over backwards for her and their kid. One of my cousins found real love after matchmaking, they dated and married like most normal couples so it was essentially an introduction. The other cousin seems to live pretty much independently of her husband, but it works for them.

They all seem decently happy, out of the 3 couples, 1 has a child, 1 is actively trying and the other travel the world. I will say though in all 3 marriages, the men tend to be the more clingy of the pair while the women tend to be a lot more independent and strong-willed.

Not in an arrange marriage but was close to being in one and know a few who went through it

* Son of family friend agreed to an arranged marriage for convenience. The deal was that they will be married 2-3 years migrate to AU or CA (the woman has citizenship) and then quietly divorce. The woman fell in love with the guy and got herself pregnant to lock him the rel. So far I know they are still together. (lot of drama on this story)

* I was asked multiple times as a kid if I would open to marrying the son of a family friend/s. One of them was a pastors son and since back then we lived sheltered lives, they thought wed be compatible. Thankfully nothing went through.

* I was asked by a mother of a coworker to agree to an engagement and marriage with her son for VISA/Citizenship purposes. The Coworker was the bestfriend of my Ex. I actually had a crush on this dude once. I declined, because I knew I would have fell in love with him and he also had a GF he was with for 5 years. He loved her so much, I didnt want to ruin it and get my heart broken. His mom was worried that given the recession his son wont find a decent career to support himself , hence the arrange marriage and migrate to the US. Good news is, he got a job in finance later on and is now doing VERY well. He married his GF, had 2 kids and is very happy.

My former boss was in one.


It worked out very well. Her family and her husband's family were pretty generous about the whole thing, it wasn't between her specifically, just that they arranged dates between children and grandchildren. They didn't want it to be loveless so they were all "Are you two really sure?" and her future inlaws even said if she wanted to back out they were fine with it.


They have been married for almost 40 years now.

I married by husband at 17. He was 25. It wasn't a forced marriage, either of us could say no.

It's been 14 years and it's been happy.

My parents are in a quasi-arranged marriage. I mean it wasn't quite all set up but their families had talked about them getting married while they were small children and they sort of just did what was expected of them. Both of them got along really well. It was a different era in that the male and female world was pretty separate. My mom just did her stuff and my dad just did his stuff. There wasn't a lot of American style open affection. But a successful marriage by every definition it was and is. I think the point was that they went into the marriage with very little delusion and over romanticization that I see in so many young couples today.

I've been to a couple of my friends weddings and they are setting themselves up for some amazing fairytale of endless love and splendor. Trust me they're all disappointed five years later. I hope to get married someday, but, yo, I'm not going to go into it thinking that it's going to be the greatest experience in the history of the world.

Throwaway, so don't care. I had an arranged marriage. And I live right here in the US. Florida to be precise. Have been married for the past 10 years. It has had its ups and downs.

Background: We are both from Pakistan.

We only talked briefly before marriage, and were married within 3 weeks. It's been good so far. It's difficult to compare with others. Everyone has different circumstances. Happiness in marriage depends upon what you put into it, and what you are willing to put up with. This was my first romantic relationship (and also hers)

Known of several marriages that have broken up in the past 10 years. Didn't matter if they were arranged or "love" marriages. Also know a few who are living miserable married lives. Although, from my point of view, divorce involving kids simply does not seem to work out for Pakistanis living in the US. It leads to even more misery.

Pros (for me):

* Nice stable life. I don't worry about anything (like some of my friends or wife's friends do).
* Intimate life is nice (in Borat's voice). And yes, she got da booty. She do.
* We get along well on most things.
* Let's me do my thing, whatever it is. As long as it is reasonable. No nagging.
* I think she puts 80% into the relationship. I have anger issues. See the list of cons, I let it build up, and it comes out and I blow my top off. Someone else, we would have been divorced many years ago.

Cons:

* She lacks motivation to do anything substantial.
* A pack rat. Has enough clothes, but keeps buying more. Vacations are messy. She will take the max amount of clothes and we have to lug those around. I have quit going on vacations.
* For some reason her new thing is she wont watch old movies. So can't watch anything older than 2015. Its so annoying to find a movie to watch on Netflix or HBO.
* Doesn't quite get the fact that expenses cannot exceed income.
* Takes care of two kids, but acts like she is taking care of 10. Women have been doing this for centuries, this is nothing new. Women do this will full time jobs and long commutes. She doesn't work.

But these are all small potatoes compared to problems I have seen others have. If I had a magic ball and could some how know all of this before hand, I would say I would have still married her. Doesn't mean, I don't fantasize about being married to someone who didn't have that list of cons. Although, I think this is my personality trait. Even if I have a good thing, I wish I had something else. I do this with everything.

European with Indian roots here. A little story of a cousin. First off, arranged and forced marriages are different. When asked why I won't give in to arranged marriage, let alone forced (which is not as much a thing as it used to be), I say that it is for people who are not independent, always do what society tells them to do (like sheeple), and have no fire of their own to truly love another person emotionally and to share a life with them. That applies to the majority of cases, as far as my circumstances go, but some still turn out to be great, and better than ever could be. The following case is one from the majority. Said cousin (Europe born, fairly millenial, around 28 at the time, 3/4 years ago) had nothing such as a life. She always clung to mum, and did what mum told her to do. And this is where the problem lies. This problem however wasn't addressed at the start. It was deliberately hidden.

Cometh the preliminary stages of the marriage, the guy thinks to himself "Europe based, middle (if not above middle) class, well settled. I'm 30. She has a job. Why not?" Sure there were more, but those are the first things that come to mind. She's thinking "He's old enough, is ready to move over to Europe, and do what it takes to settle here with me, educated, and quite a strong minded man of my culture. Pourquoi non?" Both parties being content with these prerequisites, the marriage happens. Post marriage, they start procedures of moving the guy to Europe. So far so good.

Fast forward 3 years. The guy is in Europe, getting by with conversion of his degree to enable job hunting, and happy to be here with his wife. They have their own place (owned by her mainly). Just one problem... She may be very obidient to him (as men are predominantly seen as the upper hand in our society), agrees with and does whatever he says. No problem there. HOWEVER, she's still very clung to her mum. Densly religious mum visits them every day, tells them what to do, tells the guy what to do and how to go about their business. A dictator so to say. Initially he's thankful for the "help", but within a few months under her control, he's having none of it. Obviously mum disagrees and even argues "*You should respect and let your elders control what you are doing. Afterall, we have more experience. Have you ever been married? No, right? DUUUH*" And cousin? She's torn between her mum and her husband. He's trying to convince her, to "shoo" away her mum, so that they can have their own life. OBVIOUSLY, cousin can't do that. Then the serious problems start; mainly between Husband and mother in law. Typical mother in law and son in law dynamics you may say, but wait. He and the rest of her family get into huge disputes. They leave him. He's virtually alone in Europe now, and the only family he had doesn't want any of him. Not physical disputes, but still. And all of it concludes with them agreeing to a divorce... BARELY acceptable in Indian standards. My family tries to help out the stranded guy. Rather disrespecting family ties, I still want to hear his side of the story.

You see, in the beginning the guy didn't get a solid chance to properly acquaint himself with said cousin, because IF he had known that she could not live without her mum, that she doesn't have a life, no interest, no desire to do anything outside the house, he would have second thoughts. The mum-daughter dynamics were very prominent to any onlooker, and mum deliberately hid it because she knew things wouldn't work out for her daughter. My point is, in an alternate universe where for some chance, these two met on their own (without the influence of the families and immediate social circle) they would have NEVER clicked, and both would most likely be happy. If it wasn't for the social pressure, this demise could have been avoided. Sure, mum would never have found someone in their right mind for sheltered daughter, but atleast she wouldn't be ruining someone else's life either.

Luckily, the guy has now managed to stay in Europe with a job he got after all these disputes, but unless the divorce completes, he barely has a chance to spend his life with someone else. Perhaps this is not the most convincing of stories as to why AMs are not for a lot of us, but it did enlighten something that I have feared; hiding family members' true natures just to effect the marriage. Sure, it can happen with non AMs too, but then it really becomes your problem, perhaps because no one pressured you into doing it, and so you should have tried your level best to find these out.

Tl;Dr - Mum ruins very sheltered daughter's marriage because she doesn't want to leave her alone with husband. He has had enough, and now they're parting. He told me, if he had known in prior that mum-daughter dynamics were like that, he would never have agreed to this. Lost a few years of his life to this nonsense. My point; would never have happened if the two had ever met on their own (like you do in the west).

The success of an arranged marriage depends a lot on the two parties' relationships with their parents. If your parents are close to you and know you very well, and are honest about your good points and bad points, it can go at least as well as any other marriage, or even better. If you present a totally different side to your parents than to everyone else (or you aren't close with them), it might go terribly. Note that arranged marriage isn't forced marriage: both parties have to consent.

My parents vaguely knew each other (my dad's circle and my mom's brother's circle were close), and my mom had rejected a match that my grandfather thought would be ideal. She liked my dad enough, and they had tons in common. They did fight a lot when I was growing up, even compared to other parents in similar situations, but I've now realized that was mostly stress over immigrating and raising two kids without any family help. My friend's parents also had an arranged marriage but seemed to fight less, but they were also wealthier and had less stress. In the end, my parents are quite happy with one another; I will say that my mom had a stroke and her personality has changed a lot after that, and my dad says he misses the more confident person she was before, so I know that they actually are pretty well matched. My parents go through so much to please each other, even if they don't say "I love you" like a white family would. In fact, I've learned more about what a true and honest relationship looks like through my parents than my SO's dad and stepmother--there are so many secrets going on in that marriage that it makes me sick. They tell each other that they love one another, but they never sacrifice so that the other is happy.

Arranged marriages can go wrong, but recovery can happen if the families recognize that the marriage was a mistake--not everyone shuns the divorced. My parents were close friends with a Muslim family when they first immigrated to America. They found a match for their daughter that sounded ideal, and she consented to the match. A year into the marriage, she finds out he and his family lied about everything from his education to the fact that he was a convicted felon. He was violent to her, and her family made sure to annul the marriage and find her a new husband. She's now married again and quite happy. Likewise, I know of a lady who was physically mistreated by her husband for years; she got a divorce, spent a long time single, and then married her white coworker--her mom is thrilled with her new son in law. Don't get me wrong, divorce is still a major taboo in the South Asian community, but many of us don't take too kindly to toxic situations.

For myself, I'd never commit to an arranged marriage, as I'd want to know a person for years before I marry them. Upon first meeting, everyone tries to be impressive; only by knowing someone for a while would I trust them to show their true self.

I had a terrible experience with an arranged marriage. I was strongly debating whether I should post this but made this throwaway account if it could help others in the future.

We met our future in-laws soon after we landed and we thought they were nice and their daughter appeared to be what everyone was looking for. They appeared intimidatingly wealthy but seemed nice enough to both of us. Their daughter was educated abroad and was a working professional which was what I was looking for. After the first meeting they were very insisted to get us married asap. I wanted more time to get to know her but they somehow convinced my dad who joined their side to get me married as quickly as possible. My dad became aggressive and unwavering in his decision and I finally broke after 2 weeks of pressure. Once I agreed, my in-laws attitude changed completely. They were negative, critical and condescending and limited how we could organize the events. They were restrictive on who could attend our ceremonies and which dates they would be held on. During the whole wedding, we barely saw my wife, who couldn't even come out to pick her outfits.

Once coming back home, my mother-in-law would constantly call to criticize my family or our wealth. We found these quite odd behavior when trying to create a new relationship. She was dumbfounded by how we grew up without drivers or maids and would ask if she could send one over to us. She would criticize my mom's choice of clothes on our wedding day even after we insisted that we never packed thinking we were going to hold a wedding there. When my wife first came to our home, before saying hi or hello, she was asking my mom for money, when I had already gave her access to a joint account. Soon after my mother-in-law called my mom asking if they'd look after all her treatment, later telling us she has a number of chronic illnesses.

My wife was pretty much an absentee member of the family. she would wake up after 1pm, would come down for a short few minutes and not spend any time with any of my family members. She would go upstairs immediately and would lie constantly about everything that was wrong in the house or how someone would have snubbed her here. She would throw tantrums and slam the door or walk out of the house without telling anyone. She would also spend most of the day arguing with her mom over the phone. When meeting friends or family she would make no effort to talk to them and would be playing candy crush on her phone. She would constantly disrespect aunts and uncles and then cause arguments here. Any responses we made would turn into a bigger argument where all her extended family members would get involved over the phone. One argument could last 4-5 hrs of arguing a day.

We finally decided as a family that this isn't right for us. We looked at the past year as mediation between the families that didn't work under irreconcilable differences. We all filed for divorce. However my in law's couldn't accept it. Before even trying to rectify the issues with us they began spreading rumors all around us and calling up all our family friends in neighboring states. The kept getting third parties to make us reconsider to make the marriage work. Our one question was that if she was suffering so much here, why are they against the divorce and wanting us to stay together? It was a tough year but finally my parents are off my back for an arranged marriage. I wouldn't recommend it unless you've known the family for decades.

My mother in law and sister in law were both arranged and they hated it. Still do. Granted they are happy a little based on their lives now but man would everyone have done it differently.

My parents live in the US, mom actually had to come over to marry him. Close to 30 years later they're still together. Idk if I would say happy but they are content with each other.