30 People Posted Their “Anyway, We’re Married Now” Stories, And They Show That Love Can Be Really Weird

Suzie and James stressed that maintaining strong connections is very important for our mental health, especially during this challenging time. "While it’s critical we all social distance, we must make sure not to emotionally distance with our friends and family. Positive psychology research indicates that one of the most important factors in human flourishing is building close relationships with others." Which means that building and maintaining lasting relationships is more important than ever.

We wanted to know what the biggest challenge that most newlyweds face is and how someone can be sure that they're ready for marriage. Suzie and James explained how a lot of people spend a lot of time and effort planning their wedding but don't spend enough of it thinking about the actual marriage. "A wedding is magical day no doubt, and of course something to celebrate, but what about planning for all the days to come in our marriage which is intended to last a life-time? Many newlyweds seem to think that “happily ever after” just happens. However, research shows it’s healthy habits that build long-term love," they said.

"It’s interesting that it’s the only domain in our lives where we think that success will just happen without much effort of our own. For example, when it comes to our physical health, it would be foolish to think that merely buying a gym membership and working out once would strengthen our muscles and build flexibility (if only that were the case!. We all know that in order to increase our strength and tone our bodies we have to work at it regularly. So, too, when it comes to our relational health. However, popular culture seems to romanticize marriage making people think that once you get married you can can merely ride off into the sunset together. That’s obviously not the case. It takes work," the couple explained that relationships take hard work, just like everything that's worth going for in life.

"The good news is that there are skills and exercises we can do to strengthen our relationships. In our book Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love that Lasts, we talk about the notion of the 'relationship gym.' We invite folks to join us for a workout at the 'relationship gym' where they can practice scientifically backed exercises to help them strengthen their bonds."

But what about people who might be in a committed relationship but aren't sure if they're ready to take the next step towards marriage? Can anyone even know that they're ready for marriage? 

"I don’t think there is actually a moment when you’re necessarily 'ready' so to speak, but rather a willingness to continue working on yourself and your relationship. As human beings we are always growing, changing, and evolving. And so are our relationships," Suzie mused.

"Being open, curious and having a growth mindset about ourselves, and our partners, will help us be able to better navigate together in marriage. A marriage isn’t an end state but rather a beginning. It’s a process and a life-long journey. The more we seek to understand ourselves and our partners, the better equipped we will be to travel together on this beautiful, yet often challenging adventure."

Finally, we were curious to find out how to we can all maintain attraction to our life partners after many years of being together. Suzie and James provided us with a whole bunch of helpful tips and science-based ways for couples to maintain attraction:

• "They can focus on what they put into the relationship rather then what they get out of it. Truly happy couples realize that happily ever after doesn’t just happen but that it takes effort. These couples focus on action steps they can take to improve their relational happiness rather than relying on their partner to fulfill them.
• They can share good good secrets with each other. They can practice sharing important things about themselves that they have never previously revealed to each other. It might be a childhood memory, a life-changing experience, or a vivid dream. Perhaps it’s a hope for the future or a fantasy. It can be lighthearted or serious. The important thing is that they authentically share with one another something meaningful. It’s imperative that couples are curious, open and welcoming of the secrets and nonjudgmental. By doing so, couples will feel safe and will strengthen their connection. 

• They can 'prioritize positivity' rather than just wait around for happiness to happen. In other words, they can schedule activities into their day that evoke joy and fulfillment. In the beginning of a relationship, we naturally experience a high level of positive emotions. As a relationship develops, we can’t expect to naturally experience the same frequency of 'high-arousal' positive emotions like amusement and joy. Rather we must notice what tends to lead to these feelings and then schedule those activities into our daily lives. Think back to the beginning of the relationship and those things that you enjoyed doing together as a couple and make it a priority to schedule them into your day. Also try out something new that interest both of you. Research shows that seeking out and engaging in fun, exhilarating, and novel activities can increase mutual attraction and promote a healthy passion in intimate relationships. 
• They can create a 'Positive relationship portfolio.' We discuss this activity in our book on pg. 122. It entails gathering some of the key mementos, pictures, cards, letters, etc. that remind you specifically of your significant other and how special he/she is and how important your relationship is. Once you put together the positive relationship portfolio you then spend 15 minutes each day for a week savoring and basking in the positive emotions that these items evoke in you. This exercise helps us rekindle those positive emotions that we had during the honeymoon phase, remembering all the great things about our partner and how important he/she is. 

• They can practice savoring their partner and their experiences together rather then taking one another for granted. Specifically, they can acknowledge the small magical moments and appreciate their partner on a daily basis rather just waiting for the big, momentous occasions to celebrate each other. Feeling acknowledged and appreciated by one’s partner is associated with more satisfying and sustainable relationships.
• They can identify their strengths and those of their spouse. By focusing on what’s going right in our relationship, rather than wrong, positive psychology research suggests we can build a stronger bond. One way to do this is by identifying our strengths and those of our partners and focusing on nurturing them, rather than dwelling on small annoyances in our relationship. In brief, positive psychology researchers have identified 24 character strengths that have been valued across time and culture. Qualities like creativity, love of learning, zest, curiosity and kindness. The good news is we all have strengths and in different configurations. Our strengths, along with our personality, experiences, and upbringing, are in part what makes us unique. You can find out your top five strengths, commonly referred to as your 'signature strengths' by taking the free Via Survey which we link to on our website. Once you’ve identified your strengths begin having strengths conversations with your partner sharing what it feels like to have a specific strength. Share stories of you at your best when you used one of of your top strengths. This exercise helps us to truly get to know and understand our partner on a deeper level. And using our strengths on a daily basis is associated with greater individual and relational well-being.