In the world of funny jokes, there’s one category that’s way funnier and way cuter than the rest. Have any guesses? Well, of course, it’s a sure shot as we can all agree that those jokes definitely, absolutely, obviously are animal jokes. Same as the animals themselves - curious, hilarious, and adorable - these cool jokes will most likely make you go ‘awww’ and ‘hee haw’ at the very same time. Dare to disagree? Then check out our collection of the very best animal jokes without succumbing to the charms of the fauna and without losing your socks writhing in joy. If you do succeed in avoiding these expressive matters, though, then we congratulate you on being the most imperturbable person on the face of the Earth.
Anyhoo, why don’t we talk about the cuteness of these awesome jokes and the animals themselves a bit more? Talking about round, fluffy, squishy, and peculiar beings is, after all, one of our favorite things to do! So, no need for high-stakes betting on the topics discussed in these hilarious jokes, for there will definitely be sharp-clawed kittens, snotty-nosed puppies, beady-eyed field mice, smooth-skinned piglets, and sharp-toothed crocodiles who promise to see you after a while. And if these animals are too regular for your taste, then how about some adorable jokes on aye-ayes, pink fairy armadillos, and ocelots? We sure do have some of those, too!
But, before we get a prominent toothache from listing the sweetness you are about to witness with your eyes and your heart, why don’t we go to the actual animal jokes just a bit further down? Once you are there, give your generous vote for the funniest (or the most charming) of them all, so they will proudly take their spot at the top of this list. Once this step is fulfilled, share these clever jokes with your friends. That is, if you wish to see them turning into mush from this cotton candy sweetness of animal jokes.
#1
"My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer." - Matt Fernandez
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#2
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
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#3
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
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#4
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
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#5
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
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#6
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
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#7
"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you." - Jay Leno
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#8
"After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” - Norie Bloom
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#9
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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#10
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator!
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#11
"We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet." - Rita Rudner
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#12
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and rollover. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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#13
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
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#14
"I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him." - Reid Faylor
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#15
What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back?
Wheeeeeeeee.
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#16
What do you call a dog magician?
A Labracadabrador!
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#17
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”
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#18
What do you get if you cross fireworks with a duck?
Firequackers!
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#19
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
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#20
Snake 1: Are we poisonous?
Snake 2: I don't know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip.
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