I (51) will have been married to my husband (56M) in September and I think I am being subjected to gaslighting and financial abuse, or maybe just losing my mind.
We moved from Canada to Los Angeles 15 years ago to pursue his dreams. He had been a successful touring musician but was sick of the road and wanted to songwriter and produce for other people. It was before people figured out how to do that job virtually so off we went. Of course it was a financial fiasco because zero financial planning went into it because he needed to strike while the proverbial iron was hot. And though I am a lawyer, I was trained in another country and not called to the bar in California.
He was semi successful for a while (not enough to buy a house or a car or anything but enough to help pay the bills). And then in 2013 he lost his publishing deal and manager and the money stopped. I lost my job as a music business law consultant that same month.
here is where I should point out that I have complex PTSD (repeated childhood sexual abuse by a family member and growing up in an abusive and volatile household where I started parenting my 3 younger brothers at the age of 11), a mood disorder as a result and a chronic autoimmune disease which causes various levels of constant pain. He knew all this when we married.
I broke. Full on mental breakdown.
WE had moved 5 times in 5 years. My brother was going through a shocking and breakup (his ex cheated with his best friend and then took off with his beloved children. My father had lost one kidney and had cancer on the second. My mother had a heart attack from it all. They live several thousand miles away in a different country.
I couldn't stop crying and I started drinking way to much to numb the pain, Because of the poor financial planning of the quick move to LA, we had no savings. I had to borrow from one credit card to pay all the bills, including rent, and then from another to pay for the interest on the first. Although I ultimately was successful in gettin Medicaid, it took a couple of years and it meant I went without proper treatment for my disease or mental health for several years.
Not once did he offer, suggest, even hint at getting even a part time job to help out.
So, still sick (as a result of not having proper care), I went back to work in 2016. The income was very welcome, and may even be considered high to some, but we were so in debt from the 3 years of not working we couldn't afford the cost of moving (plus my new job was walking distance) and we were still in a space where he could have a studio so he could continue trying to make it.
Over the past 6 years I have begged and screamed and laid on the floor hyperventilating asking for help but never got it. Each time he would say that he handed out resumés but nobody wanted to hire someone when they saw he was a "successful musician". He hasn't even stepped up when my health was crashing pointing out the one time 3 years ago he handed out resumés (allegedly) and got no response.
Well here we are again, though now i only have a part time job because my boss is trying to retire. We can't make rent this month, the power is on the verge of being cut. I have taken hours with another firm, started selling my clothes and purses and shoes, and even applied to be a dog walker on ROVER and to deliver groceries on Instacart.
I'm back to crying for hours a day and losing my shit at him. He tells me I need to go back to therapy (with what money?) and check to see if my psychiatric drugs are still working.
He doesn't want to take a job at a grocery store where our friend has an in, or as an amazon driver, etc. because someone may need to write with him or want him to produce.
Tonight I told him he had to take one of those jobs or the marriage is over.
AITA here?