Therapists Say Going No Contact Stops The Hurt But Does Not Heal It, And There Is A Third Option

I have a few close friends with less-than-ideal relationships with their parents, and I can see how hard it is for most of them. Toxic parenting leaves marks in ways that outsiders rarely understand. We’re talking about a lifetime of resentment: decades of neglect, emotional absence, verbal put-downs, and blatant favoritism, and that, they say, is not even scratching the surface. It’s a list of hurts they struggle to put down, no matter how much therapy they’ve been through. Some of them decided to go no contact. One had been estranged from her mother for the last 10 years, and she had always told me that it was the “best life decision she’d ever made next to marrying the love of her life.” I’m obviously happy for her for finally having that much-needed peace. It did seem like the logical solution. But was it really the best solution in the long run and can it be a magic bullet? LightFieldStudios/Envato (not the actual photo) Growing up, many of us elder millennials heard some version of “you live in my house, you follow my rules.” For some boomer parents, it reflected how they were raised, and they may have unknowingly passed it on when they had children of their own. But as discussions of emotional well-being and boundaries have grown more prevalent in recent years, clashes over what parents can expect from their children have become harder to ignore. According to Dr. Rin Reczek, a sociology professor at Ohio State University, these clashes of expectations are a primary cause of estrangement between parents and their children today. “I found that estrangement is less a story of trauma or selfishness, and more a clash between competing expectations,” Dr. Reczek wrote in an August article for The Conversation. “An insistence on loyalty, duty and forgiveness on one hand, and the longing for respect, emotional safety and personal growth on the other.” Dr. Reczek argues that these conflicts can stem from fundamentally conflicting ideas of what “family” should look and feel like. They calls this a “kinship culture clash.” But does going no contact really resolve anything? We spoke with Alicia Livingston, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Living Balanced Therapy and Wellness. As she tells Bored Panda, the conflict may subside, but the feelings of hurt, mistrust, and anger may remain, and even carry over into other relationships. pikisuperstar/Magnific (not the actual photo) “If going no contact is the only way someone can manage conflict because they have never learned how to navigate disagreements, it becomes challenging to develop the skills for an appropriate repair,” she said. “It's important to note that while going no contact can protect someone from ongoing hurt and pain, it does not automatically heal the wounds that have accumulated over years.” One high-profile example of parent-child estrangement today is the highly publicized rift in the Beckham family, where 27-year-old Brooklyn, the eldest son of celebrities David and Victoria, criticized his parents on social media. Here are the full details of the fallout, in case you’re interested. But in a nutshell, the problem supposedly began because Brooklyn felt his parents repeatedly disrespected his wife, Nicola, and tried to control his life. The Beckham family dispute shows how disagreements over loyalty, marriage, and parental involvement can strain relationships. Brooklyn’s account highlights the competing expectations about where his parents’ intervention should end and where his independence should begin. Family estrangement specialist Dr. Becca Bland tells The Guardian that many estranged parents may have good intentions but fail to recognize how their behavior affects their children. “A lot of estranged parents are very well-intentioned, but don’t understand that [their intentions] didn’t create the impact for their child to feel loved or supported or included. The child might feel controlled or highly criticized,” Dr. Bland said. You’ve probably read enough stories on this site about unhinged, entitled parents causing potentially lifelong trauma to their kids. Reading back through these stories, you may notice blatant cases of torment, whether these parents know it or not. According to family psychotherapist Lowri Dowthwaite-Walsh, estrangement could be the last resort in such cases, especially when “that person is being re-traumatized every time they go into the family situation.” Cutting ties with family members is a significant life-altering decision. But for some people, it is the only way to finally feel free from the clutches of their deep-seated trauma. In that sense, going no contact makes sense. YuriArcursPeopleimages/Envato (not the actual photo) Severing ties with a toxic parent may provide some much-needed distance. However, it doesn’t resolve the lingering emotions left by unaddressed issues. Going no contact, for one, can mean adjusting to a life where a parent is still around but no longer part of your everyday experience. Many people who have gone through estrangement compare it with bereavement, where they feel the same absence as if the person had already passed on. Then comes the guilt, shame, and self-doubt. Because society idealizes the bond between children and parents, distancing yourself can make you feel like you’re in the wrong even when you aren’t. It doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision. However, it can reflect the difficulty of grieving a relationship that remains unresolved, even when maintaining it caused a great deal of pain. Worse, these feelings can add to the emotional burden on top of the anguish and despair that come with being on the outs with a loved one. oneinchpunchphotos/Envato (not the actual photo) According to Livingston, these feelings of grief and guilt encompass the relationship that was, along with the hope that it becomes what the adult child needed. “Guilt often results when the adult child challenges generational family dynamics,” she said. "It is common for the adult child to assume responsibility for the parent's emotions, which amplifies this guilt." “These feelings of grief and guilt do not necessarily mean the decision was wrong. It means this relationship mattered deeply, and now the adult child is navigating an ambiguous loss.” Going no contact also doesn’t guarantee that a parent will change, let alone reflect on their behavior. As psychologist Chivonna Childs explains, the decision can also affect relationships with other family members. So, is there a middle ground? 1footage/Envato (not the actual photo) Life during the pre-smartphone era was starkly different in many ways, including how families communicated. You might speak to a parent on the phone once a week, then go back to your separate lives. Today, constant digital access, the steady stream of updates, and requests for attention can make it harder to maintain healthy distance. Dr. Lucy Blake, a psychology lecturer at the University of the West of England Bristol, made a valid point: in the pre-digital age, “a typical family relationship is one where people have infrequent contact.” “Before mobile phones, the idea of calling a parent once a fortnight was seen as perfectly normal, and in some ways was healthier,” she said, adding that the low contact approach may counter the “idyllic” family image presented on social media. Going low contact offers that needed happy medium. That could mean: Limiting phone calls to 15 minutes once per month. Replying at your convenience instead of feeling obligated to respond immediately. Meeting for lunch at a restaurant instead of visiting them at home. Muting their social media posts or restricting what they can see about your life. Calmly stepping away or ending a phone call when they start insulting you or using manipulative tactics. Of course, boundaries only work when you enforce them firmly. “Boundaries are only useful when the individual follows through,” Livingston said.“[They] are not rules to impose on your parent. [Boundaries] are about deciding what you will or will not participate in to protect your well-being, rather than trying to control someone else’s behavior. This is an important distinction.” seventyfourimages/Envato (not the actual photo) Going no contact can be a necessary step toward healing. If every interaction with a parent reopens old wounds or leaves the person emotionally drained, it may be the best solution. In relationships with something redeemable, however, limited contact may offer a workable middle ground. It means setting clear boundaries, limiting conversation, and protecting your peace. It means choosing when and how to interact. Livingston says relationships are complex. They aren’t black and white, with only two options: going no contact or keeping things exactly as they are. “The goal is to understand the patterns that caused harm, hear what each person needs, and then decide whether a relationship is possible. This can include repair, boundaries, distance, small steps, and outside help,” she said. Ultimately, it’s about deciding what you’re willing to accept. That could mean asking yourself a simple yet hard-hitting question: What would need to change for your relationship with your parents to become one you can live with?