Some people are more prepared to be parents than others and some people have more knowledge when it comes to raising a physically and mentally healthy child. But it's never too late to learn and fortunately, there are a lot of free resources online and other people who are more than happy to share their experience with others.
One of those people is a single mom named Destini Ann who makes videos on TikTok about positive parenting. Her videos are quite popular and people especially liked the one in which she tells the three things she never says to her children because words can be as harmful as actions.
More info: TikTok
A mom on TikTok who has 1.1M followers goes viral yet again, this time for sharing 3 things she never says to her children
Image credits: destini.ann
Destini Ann is a single mom who practices positive parenting and shares her knowledge and experience on TikTok by covering topics that many people want to hear about. She has 1.1 million followers there and she also holds classes, live videos and Q&As that people can sign up for on Patreon.
This mom has a few viral videos and one of the most recent ones was about the things she never says to her children or at least tries hard not to, because nobody is perfect and can be at the top of their game all the time. The video was watched 4.2 million times and liked by 1.2 million people, so it seems that people found Destini's advice valuable. Bored Panda also reached out to Clinical Psychologist specialising in infant, child and adolescent mental health assessment and intervention, Dr. Melanie Smart (you can find her on Twitter @DrMelanieSmart), who told us that she "would fully endorse the things said in this video."
Destini says she doesn't use her position as a parent and adult as the only reason why her children should listen to her
Image credits: destini.ann
The first thing that Destini mentions that she never says to her kids is using the argument that she is the adult, she is bigger, she is the parent and therefore children should listen to her just for that.
The mom explains that parents shouldn’t belittle their children to make them obey. Instead of establishing authority by just relying on the family roles and age difference, Destini advises parents to reassure children that their parents have the best intentions when asking them to do something; they have more experience and for now, they are the ones who have more knowledge and can make better decisions.
Dr. Melanie Smart adds, "Teaching a child to obediently follow an adults rules based on power differentials can lead to a compliant child who is then at risk of vulnerabilities. Children need to be able to learn manners and roles but also to challenge what makes them uncomfortable or to question and critique what they are told in a healthy way. Supporting rather than dictating to your child and giving them rules and, when appropriate, rationale and explanation will help them forge a trusting partnership with a parent."
Image credits: manifestdestini
She also doesn't order her kids to stop crying, but focuses on how she can help to remove the reason why they are crying instead
Image credits: destini.ann
The second thing that Destini never tells her children is “Stop crying.” Honestly, when has that ever helped anyone to stop crying, whether kids or adults? Usually there is a reason behind those tears, even if the person who is crying doesn’t realize that.
The TikToker suggests that instead of demanding that a child stop crying, it is more productive to ask them what caused them to cry. Or even better, to ask them what they need to help them stop crying. As Destini explains, it is better to focus on how to solve the problem rather than the problem itself.
Expert Melanie Smart says that there are a lot of research papers looking "into approach focused coping (what do you need, how can i help etc) and problem solving which would support this way of talking." But children are not always aware of their own nemotions or can't immediately say what would make them feel better. Dr. Smart says, "demands can overload them further. If this is the case, step down to simple validation - "I know, it's hard when I say no" etc etc and co-regulate until the child's thinking brain is back online and emotion brain is soothed. Then problem solve or evaluate."
Image credits: destini.ann
Lastly, Destini advises pointing out the specific things parents are proud their children have done rather than generically remarking "Good job"
Image credits: destini.ann
The last thing that Destini thinks is not ideal to say to children is just a plain “Good job!” It is too generic and after some time, may not be as impactful and meaningful.
The better way to compliment a child is to focus on specifics: what is the precise thing that you are proud of them for doing. According to Destini, it builds a stronger relationship between her and her child because it shows the little ones that their parent is present and actually paying attention to them.
Dr. Smart elaborates that specific praise is also a well researched topic. It is seen that telling "a child what they have done well, will help them emulate this again."
Other things that Dr. Smart would add to these 3 things not to say to children is "telling a child what TO DO, rather than what NOT TO DO eg. "Walk slowly", rather than "Don't run" will help them understand how to succeed rather than worry about avoiding failure. Moreover, never ask a child to do something you are not capable of e.g. "Stop shouting" when you the adult are shouting. Always role model your expectations rather than simply demand them. Your child is a mirror to yourself - be the best you can too."
You can watch Destini's whole video below
What do you think about Destini's approach to parenting? Maybe there are other things that you think parents shouldn't say to their children, but commonly do? Let's discuss it in the comments!
People reacted really positively to this video and thought that Destini made good points
In many ways, Destini Ann's approach to parenting resonates with the experiences shared by countless parents. It reminds us to always exercise understanding and patience when dealing with our children’s emotional needs and growth.
Relating to these concepts, there are humorous insights to be found in the experiences of new parents, highlighting the unpredictability and amusement in raising kids.