Hi, I'm a polite mother of two by day. I wanted an outlet for my repressed profanity. Since my children have a vast and varied library of second hand books spanning a few decades, I decided to combine my inner snark with the beautiful and hilarious illustrations from these books creating random commentary for their pictures.
Follow my Instagram @bitchymomreads
When dad is running on no sleep and playing peekaboo with the toy trains, while mom is secretly amused as fuck while reading to the actual baby.
The hell you are, baby bear. I'm selling the fucking house and travelling the world when I retire from my hard knock bear life.
Red guy: "Shit, this little girl's favourite pastime is watching people do chores. And I thought my childhood was bad!"
When you forgot to specify in the birthday invitations to the parents that it is NOT a drop-off party.
Goddamn, dad, you are failing that babywearing kiss test.
Fuck Caillou, calm your tits, your mother said it's ALMOST naptime.
These parents are fucking boss, putting all three of their children to sleep in the same bedroom.
"Kiddo, your question will have to wait. I'm late taking a selfie for my Instagram story."
What she's actually thinking: "Unless you're going to help put the baby to sleep, get the fuck out of my face."
Kid, if you can blissfully stand in the bathtub while lathering yourself like you're in a fucking Pantene commercial, you probably don't need to be bathed by your mother.
I want whatever the painting girl is having, to be able to tune out the absolute fuckery that is going on around her.
It's a slippery slope mama frog, just tell him to go the fuck to sleep.
"Alright alright, here's your fucking apple juice. But I'm leaving it to dad to put your hyper ass down for naptime later."
Belly muscles? Why don't you tell them the truth that it's more like using your sphincter muscles to take the biggest shit of your life?
When you secretly wait for your parents to get sloshed at dinner so you can negotiate a ridiculous bedtime for later.
Actual depictions of parents rejoicing when their children are all sleeping at the same time.
